Bila usia semakin meningkat...

rasa macam cepat sangat nak terasa hati, kadang-kadang rasa macam orang lain tu asyik nak perlekehkan diri ni ja..

cepat sangat nak menitiskan air mata, contoh, tengok cerita downton abbey pun boleh nangis tersedu-sedu dek babak sedih seorang mak lepaskan anak dia untuk dijaga oleh tok & tok wan dia..

asyik kelebet muka kat cermin, walaupun sedar diri tak cantik tapi bila jerawat mula menjajah kembali setelah sekian lama menyepi, terasa 'risau' jugak..

TAPI


dengan usia jugak...


sedar banyak kesilapan diri dan mula mencari perubahan ke arah yang lebih baik, insya ALLAH..

semakin menghargai semua ujian dan musibah yang menimpa sebagai tanda kasih ALLAH yang mahu mendidik diri ini ke arah sifat rendah diri..

sedar bahawa mati itu pasti..


*sesi muhasabah diri*

Being a good neighbor.

Living in this house comes with its own brand of 'excess baggages'.

Firstly, there's the woodland creatures*. We have rats (although their population has significantly dropped due to..) cats, spiders, centipedes, millipedes, lizards, not to mention a whole collection of other insects. Well, what do you expect when you live close to a forest and palm tree plantations, right?    

Then, there's also the primates which we call lutongs. They love to raid the small clusters of banana trees that grow around the area. Plus, they would sometimes rummage through the garbage pile (we don't get trash service here in the kampung areas, so we would mostly burn our trash. Except for Khairin's diapers, empty bottles, cans and other trash that should not be burnt. These would have to be thrown out at the BIG trash can  found in Bagan Serai and we usually take out these trash when we have business in town.

Finally, we have also inherited a few 'elderly' neighbors. Most of them are actually Ahmad's relatives plus a few close friends of Ahmad's foster mom.

This house is actually built on a piece of land owned by Ahmad's maternal uncle. His house sits closer to the main road while this house is a bit further down the plot. Thus, we are the closest family he and his wife has. Being senior citizens, I would say both of them should live with their children so that they can be looked after; he's blind and frail while she has arthritis and can't walk so well. Before her conditions got worse, she was the one who has to walk to the nearest shop and get all their daily essentials. Unfortunately, these few months have been hard on her since her feet started to hurt more. So, sometimes she'd come over and ask me to buy groceries for her.

   

Ahmad's uncle has had a few accidents in his house in just 2 months. He couldn't sleep well while lying down due to some complications with his lungs. So, he'd nod off quite a lot during the day, even while sitting on the bed. When this happens, he'd topple over and bash his head on the closest furniture. Last month, I drove him and his wife to the clinic to stitch up a HUGE gash on his forehead. Last Monday, a small piece of his upper right arm was torn open when he fell from the bed, again. 

Point is, I think they should live with their children rather than stay here on their own. I mean, yeah, sure I don't mind going to the shop for her once in a while or help clean his wounds every other month. BUT. They are getting older, not younger and they need better care than what I can offer. But whenever anyone suggest that they call their children to come and get them, Ahmad's aunt would say that they wouldn't want to bother their children plus her husband doesn't want to live with any of them for long. Maybe because he's already memorized the layout of his house but being in a new surrounding would be difficult for him since he's blind. 

I can only help with the little things but I believe that they deserve better than how they're living now. The other neighbors have their own problems too since most of them are senior citizens as well. So, everyone pitch in whenever they can like sending over a dish or two (except for me since, you know - I DON'T COOK hehhe) help pay the bills, etc. But I still think they need better care than what they have right now.

poetry? what?

i close my eyes

empty

i close my mouth

tasteless

i tune off my ears

silence

but

i couldn't pinch my nose

and stop breathing

ok..backtracking..

last night i complained about the clutter in this house.
i wish to take them back..the complaints..not the entry.

why?

because this morning, i happened to read a FACEBOOK note* written by Saiful Nang about his wife who has a full time job but still manages to cook and look after her family well.

his note really made me realise that the clutter is not the problem.
my mental state is the problem.

i tend to say i can't before i even try..or give up halfway..or most often, blame it on somebody else.  

ok, so..i have admitted that i have a problem.

now what???

hahahaha..


*the note is in Malay but in summary:

he wrote that
1- his parents demanded that their future in-laws have at least these 2 important criteria; wears hijab and can
    cook
2- his wife has both criteria although he initially thought that knowing how to cook is not very important
3- after his mother died, he realised that what he missed the most about his mother is her cooking
4- he wanted his children to have the same kind of memory of their mother (his wife) so he himself began to
    cook at home
5- his wife who is a PhD holder, picked upon his effort to cook more at home
6- he praised his wife for being able to manage the family well even though she is a very busy career woman

there's more but i'm pressed for time right now, still have to 'manage' my boys and complete a translating project due next week

but all in all, THANK YOU Saiful Nang for the inspirational note. I applaud you and your wife!  

Torn...

I'm thinking of taking a break from ghostwriting, editing and proofreading for a bit.

The house is such a mess that I'm not feeling the 'love flow' (<---feng shui talk :D) anymore.

But if I do that this break, I might mess up the flow of good money *sigh* since work is coming in at a steady pace these days. They are just the right amount of work that I can still juggle between being the working mother and the stay at home mother.

*sigh*

The hazard of working at home is that I'm constantly torn between completing my household chores and finishing my current project. I'm not complaining though since I get to raise the boys myself (sometimes I do feel like leaving them with their father for an hour or two just to get away from their constant bickering and demanding my attention) and at the same time bring some money in to help with the bills.

But after doing nothing during my pregnancy, the house really need some TLC. Plus, we've been planning to put Shahrin and Nazrin in a separate room of their own. It's not good for me & Ahmad to have 3 distractions in the same room as us, if you get my drift. If I decline a project or two while we get things under control again around here, we might be able to make this house presentable again.

I'm torn......

Sulking in silence...

All day long.

This actually happened last night but I was still so upset about it that I didn't want to say anything yet, just in case I'll regret it later.

My parents & my youngest brother came by around 9.30pm on their way to KL. They drove from Alor Star and stopped here since they're taking the train from here to KL. The train was scheduled to leave from the Bagan Serai station at 11.00pm so they stayed for an hour before my father began shooing everyone out of the house. We all packed into the car they came in (we're car-sitting for the weekend) with my parents and my bro in the backseats and I got the front seat. Ahmad drove, off course.

When we got there, it was only 10.40pm and not many passenger have arrived. So, we sat down and made small talks while waiting for the train to come. The boys spent the time running around like crazy and no amount of telling them NO!!! Boys, no running!!! could make them stop, so I just let them.

At almost 3 minutes to 11.00pm, the stationmaster came out of his office and announced that the train will be delayed till 1.00am. WHAT???? He kept the announcement super simple and the gist of it was just that, the train will only get here around 1.00am. He didn't explain why or where or when.

Anyway, as it was almost 2 hours to wait till it arrived, Ahmad and I suggested that we all get back in the car and wait till 12.30am before coming back to the station.

Somehow, Baba decided that it would be better for them to wait at the station itself. My mom, who was already sleepy by then, even went ahead and lied down on the bench. No amount of cajoling could make them change their mind. We were told to just go home and leave them there, they'll be fine. I tried persuading Mama to come home with us, at least she'd be more comfortable sleeping in bed as oppose to sleeping on the hard bench. But Baba vetoed any decision she was about to make by saying that who can sleep with the boys running around like they were doing last night.

Honestly, I felt insulted, I felt hurt and most of all I was sad by the way they chose not to wait at Ahmad's mother's house with us. I mean, they were spending almost all their time these days switching between my two sisters' house in KL and they couldn't even spend 1 and a half hour here?? Yeah, sure, this is not MY house. I just happen to live in it but I would have liked it very much if they spend more time here.

The truth is, in the course of my 6 years of marriage and living here, my family had never really spend the night here. They've always only stopped by for a few hours either on their way from AS to KL or from KL to AS. Even after Ahmad's mother moved to Taiping with her other children, my family still wouldn't spend the night here.  

So, what was I supposed to do but leave them there? Like I'm the cruel daughter who couldn't even provide a comfortable place for my parents to rest while they were here. All I can do was kissed them goodbye, wished them a safe journey and got in the car with my kids and husband. Around 12.45am, Ahmad asked me if they have boarded the train but I was so upset, I didn't want to talk to either of them. So I made Ahmad call them instead. The news was that the train was delayed till maybe 1.30am but then again, the news was of no significance to me since they didn't want me there and they didn't want to come home with us. So, I sulk.

I am still sulking.

This morning, I didn't call or SMS them asking about their trip. I don't know what time they arrived in KL and I definitely don't know when they are coming back. They were only supposed to spend 2 days there but I suspect they'll stay even longer visiting their youngest granddaughter.

Well, it looks like I just have to sulk in silence since there is absolutely nothing I can do about the current situation.


*sigh*

One word to describe 2011.

I wrote a similar post last year, about 2010.

This year, the word would be; THANKFUL.

I wanted to write about this last night as my way of celebrating the new year but the boys had other things in mind. And since this not a good time to be writing either (they are always bugging me about something *sigh*), I'll make this into points,

1- I'm thankful for being alive for 1 more year. To be able to watch my boys grow into the unique individuals they are today.

2- I'm thankful for the writing class I took last year. It made me realized that I still need to learn more about writing in general and the English language in particular.

3- I'm thankful for the references and the recommendations from friends that have helped my little writing service grow. I think I'm going to promote myself as a technical writer from now on, since I don't know what else to call my service.

4- I'm thankful for the 2-month chance at being a working mom. Even though the pay was low, I had fun learning new skills and making new friends.

5- I'm especially thankful for this unplanned pregnancy that came right after I quit my job. Come to think of it, my pregnancy with Nazrin wasn't planned either since we didn't take any family planning medications, same as this time. However, I can't wait to hold this baby come April, insya ALLAH.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I do want to share something else here, things that happened last Thursday (29/12/11).

Morning
That Thursday morning, I went for my scheduled check-up and an ultrasound scan at our local clinic. Had the usual weigh-in, blood pressure and urine tested which were in the normal range, alhamdulillah. Then, I was directed to the doctor's room for my scan. At first, the doctor measured the baby's length, width and head circumference to check its progress. Thank GOD it was well in the normal range, as oppose to its brothers who were underweight while in the womb. Then, the doctor turned the monitor over so that I can see too.

At the sight of my baby growing in me, I squealed with delight! Ahaha..even the doctor was shocked when I suddenly did that. Who would have thought that even after going through 2 pregnancies, I'd still overreact upon seeing this miracle in me. Unfortunately, this baby has followed in its brothers footsteps whereby we were only given its backside, so I don't know its gender yet. No matter. I would love it just the same, be it a boy or a girl.  

Evening
That evening, Shahrin invited our neighbors' children (a boy and a girl) over to play as I didn't want him to play outside since he'd already bathed. I gave them 3 sets of jigsaw puzzles given to us by one of the children's mother 2 weeks before. The girl (8y.o.) who came immediately recognized them as her brother's sets (they gave us a lot of sets that they were initially going to burn after they had a spring-clean recently) and told Shahrin not to show them to her brother as he is very possessive about his belongings. As they played, I stayed in my room folding laundry while keeping my ears open to their conversations.

Not long afterwards, as it was getting dark, the girl kept saying that she needed to get home soon since her brother (9y.o.) didn't like it when she left him alone for long. (Apparently, he's possessive about his sister too. He's always bossing her around and making her do things his way). What really broke my heart was when she told Shahrin that her brother didn't want her to play with Shahrin anymore. I never said a word while she was talking to Shahrin but just cried softly in my room. Although I doubt that Shahrin really understood what she meant by her little remark, my heart ached for my son. I've forgotten how cruel kids can be even at such a young age.

Then, as they were talking some more, Shahrin said something that made me laugh even after my tears just minutes before. He said that when he's older, he's going to MARRY ME! Ahahhaa..isn't that hilarious? This one I had to intervened so I went out to the living room where they were playing and told Shahrin that he cannot marry me since I'm already married to his father. I also told him that by the time he's older, I would be too old for him anyway. LOL. Then, the boy and girl decided to leave since it was nearly Maghrib, so I was quite relieved to see them go.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that's about sums up my last year's stories. Hopefully this year will be brighter with another baby and better for all of us.

HAPPY 2012 everybody!

To: AM

Dear AM,

Missing you so much these days. What happened? You kind of dropped of the face of the earth and you leave me floundering alone. I need you back in my life. Please. Come home to me.

You know, maybe it's hormonal, maybe it's all in my head but lately, I keep feeling like my life is dripping through my fingers, like sand and no matter how hard I clench my fingers, I still can't stop the flow. Patching things up is not helping either. New holes keep popping up and I just can't keep up.

AM honey,

I need your strength, your courage and your intelligence. Please come back to me. I need a shoulder to cry on. Just the other day, while folding Shahrin's sleeveless shirt, I kept staring at that little hole in the back. Maybe some insect ate it, maybe just because it's an old shirt but that little hole made me howl. I can't even buy my son a new shirt! Maybe mak was right, hell, she's always right. But as they say, 'Don't cry over spilled milk'. So why am I crying over a little hole in my son's shirt?

TB kept coming back here last month. I hated the way I feel around her because I know that I am not that kind of person. I hate my hatred. I hate the way TB can disrupt my life just by coming here. Why aren't YOU here? I know I shouldn't allow my hatred for TB rule my life but it seems like I am not getting rid of that monster anytime soon. 'Forgive and forget?' BAH!! How can I forgive if I can't forget?

My darling,

I have no one to blame but myself. Can I partially blame you though? You're my only confidant, yet you leave me in my time of need. How did this happen? Was it something I did? You know, this time around I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. Especially around Ahmad. I keep wondering what's going on in his head. I haven't been a very good wife lately, I let the house get messy, the sink filled up with dirty dishes, unfolded clothes in the basket. I yell at my boys a lot. I don't give a damn with how I look anymore. I kept thinking, does he love me the way I still love him?

Here I go again. Bawling. I'm such a wuss these days. Told you I need you back in my life. When are you coming back?

Love,
Me.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I am content with my life.
Sometimes I wish my life is a different one.

Sometimes I feel like a complete failure.
Sometimes I think I do alright.

Sometimes I hate my husband.
Sometimes I hate myself more.

Sometimes I wish my boys would just leave me alone.
Sometimes I wonder what goes through their minds.

Sometimes I regret the choices I made.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have chosen differently.

Sometimes......

N.E.V.E.R.

Me, sitting in Ahmad's mom's living room, watching The Mexican on TV2, while trying out my new lappy and new Maxis broadband modem, right now, crying my eyes out.

The boys fast asleep. Ahmad is out as usual.

The scene just now; Sam (Julia Roberts) and LeRoy as well as Sam with Jerry (Brat Pitt (woot woot!!!))...

Scene 1: While sitting at the curb waiting for Jerry (Sam's boyfriend), LeRoy asked Sam a question.

LeRoy: "When two people who are so deeply in love with each other, can't stand each other any  more.          
              When is the point where enough is enough?"
Sam:     "Bla bla bla...(run-around answer...)"
LeRoy: "That's not the right answer."

Scene 2: Sam was supposed to board a plane and leave Jerry but she didn't. As she stood at the departure gate, she asked Jerry the same question LeRoy asked her.

Sam:     "When two people who are so deeply in love with each other, can't stand each other any  more.
              When is the point where enough is enough?"
Jerry:    "Never."



I have been like Sam when I wrote this.
I don't know about Ahmad though. What would his answer be if I asked him this?

Just because I'm all alone at the office...

I think I should write down my beef with the current situation at home before my head explode!
I put up a happy face here at the office but since the boss is away in KL, my senior-clerk is attending a job interview and all the other on-site workers are out, I crumble.

I hate feeling the way I feel when I'm around TB. Even secretly calling her TB here in my blog feels like I'm doing something bad. 

BUT.

I really do H.A.T.E. her!

So mean of me, right?
Hopefully my BIL doesn't read my blog..heh.....
Wait, I need to turn of the radio, can't think with songs blaring through my ears.

So, why am I like this? So conflicted? Because my mom taught me better than this. She's the sweetest person ever, loved by all her ex-students (most still keep in touch with her even after so long) and she is always nice to everyone. I am normally quite nice too and polite and considerate and easy-going. Well, I'd like to think so.

BUT.

With TB, all I can feel is hatred, anger, loathing. <---See how evil I become regarding that person?

Due to past experiences, I would never intentionally be in the same place as she is; kitchen, living room, front yard. Whenever she's around, I've always restrict myself to our room. I'd only leave the room when I absolutely have to (to pee, make Shahrin's milk, attend to the boys) and I'm sure that she would be in her room instead of where I need to go. I speak to her only when I'm spoken to. I can never look at her straight in the eyes. I don't eat the food she cooked.

I hate feeling this way. 

I know that what I'm doing is wrong; being rude/disrespectful/ignoring to an elder person, especially your husband's mother (albeit she's only his foster mom) is a sin. I am aware of this.

BUT.

I can't help feeling this way.
Even Ahmad knows how much I hate his mother. He even takes me out to dinner since he knows I wouldn't eat what she has cooked. How fu*#ed up is that, huh?

BUT.

He still wouldn't move out.
How long do I have to subject myself to these emotional abuses before I can say

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!   

and do what I have to do for my own well-being? Would I be selfish if I take my boys away from their father just because I can't stand their 'grandmother'? Would I hurt myself by leaving Ahmad just because I hate his 'mother'?


She said she'd move out. I was happy for at least the 1 year that she stayed in Taiping. Now she's back.

What should I do?

My new title.

It's nearly 5pm and I'm all set to head home. I just wanted to write down something here since I have another 15 minutes of 'working hours' to go hehe.

Being a working mom (2 days and counting) is not as hard or as scary as I thought it would be. Granted, my new job is actually very simple; typing names into the database, updating claims from employees, I've always thought that working in an office would be like trying to navigate through traffic during rush-hour. Or maybe I watched too many sitcoms. Hehe. Anyways, my presence here is more like to be the 1st clerk's helper. She gave me stuff to do, I complete them then I 'try' to be helpful by tidying up in the office.

But my boss did warn me that there would be ups and downs with the workflow here. There would be days where things came piling up and rushing through and there are days where the clerk can just take her sweet time completing her tasks. We are currently in the latter mood. Who knows what tomorrow might bring?

Well, can't wait to see my boys. Miss them so much already. Though when I stayed at home with them 24/7, I sometimes feel like bashing my head on the wall due to their naughtiness. :D

Great news!!!

Sorry for not being around for the past 4 days. We had to go back to my parents house from Saturday to Monday for Shahrin's post-op follow-up on Monday. I did brought back my lappy but the broadband connection there was crappy. Plus I didn't have time to blog since my father hogged my lappy, watching Sumeyye Eddeb reciting verses from The Quran (don't know how to place the YouTube video of her in here *sigh*).

Anyways, in the short 4 days, I have quite a lot of news to tell. Ready? Ok, let's so this hehe.

Great news #1
My father (Baba) bought me a Hewlett Packard notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yay Baba!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has been my mother's doing. Back when we had to stay in Alor Star during Shahrin's recovery, I said in passing, while drooling over a notebook/lappy advertisements in the local news paper, that wouldn't it be nice to have a new lappy? This current one is a Fujitsu P Series Lifebook, a hand-me-down from my younger sister Ateh. She gave it to me to use while I was completing my MSc since she wasn't using it then. I love this lappy because it's small, light and hasn't given me any trouble (not much). But as the saying goes, "Kecil tapak tangan, nyiru saya tadahkan" (Since my hands are small, I'll hold out a basket instead) hehehehehe. Unfortunately, the new lappy is with Ateh's husband for formatting. Baba had wanted to install Quran recitals in it but the salesperson said that they couldn't do so. That was why he gave it to my BIL, so that he can install it in for me. Can't wait to meet my new lappy but have to be patient due to great news #2.

Great News #2
My youngest brother is finally coming home for good in June.He has been studying at Vanderbilt University in the US of A since 4 years ago. He's finally graduated and will be landing at KLIA on 3rd of June 2011. My parents will be going there this weekend and pick him up. Then, they will travel back together and will come by here to give me my #1 great news, hehehehehheheheheh. This is because Ateh & her family lives in KL and my parents will be staying over at her house during this weekend.

Great News #3
Just this morning, my teacher's boss called me and asked me to join their English class at SoLLAT, USM. Since I am their RA (Research Assistant), I will have to be the replacement teacher should any of the project members couldn't teach. Apart from that, she also wanted to introduce me to her Uncle and discuss.....

MY NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! I have been employed by my boss's Uncle! This is the greatest news of all!!!!!!!!!!!
I start this coming Monday, from 8.15am to 5.00pm. I felt a bit rattled while doing the 'interview' since it has been ages since I last attended any. Can't believe I have a job now. Granted, it's only a clerical position but it's better than nothing at all, right?
Plus, I still get to keep my RA position with SoLLAT (School of Literature, Linguistics and Translation) where my boss (old boss) will call me if ever they need me.
Syukur, alhamdulillah. Hopefully, our financial situation will get better after this.

And I still have one more news to tell, about a new business venture I'll be taking part in but enough news for tonight. I'm saving this one when I have more to show.

Till later, folks!

If at first you don't succeed?

Try and try again!

I keep telling myself that I need to change but I feel like I'm still stuck within myself; unhappy, not contend, angry, restless, pitiful and etc. In short, everything ugly that a person can feel about themselves.

I have tried my hand at being an online businesswoman but based on my current situation, looks like my bait is not getting me any 'fish'. I'm envious of other bloggers/Facebookers who are reeling in the dough while no matter what I do, seems not enough.

I have tried to be flexible with Ahmad and his family, but all I'm getting are more problems. Plus, he's not doing anything to help me regarding HIS family matter. Ughh.

I have tried not to involve my parents into my financial problems but my mom is persistent. She always seems to instinctively know the moment I'm all dried out. One of them would then call/SMS telling me that 'Hey, there's RM*** in your account, go spend it on a nice pair of shoes'. Though not exactly that sentence but you get my point, right?

But, as Dibo The Gift Dragon said, "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again!"

I know that success doesn't come rolling (direct translation from a Malay proverb; kejayaan tidak datang bergolek, hehe) but it sure isn't even crawling my way. *sigh*

I need to focus more on getting my 'business' out there. I know I CAN DO IT!
INSYA ALLAH.....

Good news for me!

Two days ago my lecturer called and asked me if I want to be her RA. She said her office has arranged a project with a nearby Methodist school and they need somebody to take care of the collected data.
So, today, I called her boss and discussed the matter at hand more thoroughly.
After talking to her (the boss), I have decided to take this job & forget about the walk-in interview in USM Main Campus.

I am super excited about this job because: 
1- I get to do my work at home!!!! How convenient is that? Now I don't have to worry about the boys at all.  What a relief! They will just email me the data to be processed and uploaded. Thank GOD I have a lappy & broadband at home.

2- This project will be till August, so I will have at least 4.5 month worth of work to keep me busy. I kind of felt lost after my class ended because going to class gave me an excuse to be someone other than just a SAHM. Now I can honestly say that I am a WAHM, hehe.

3- Although the pay is minimal, RM25/day, I am thankful for it. It is going to be my stepping stone to better job offers. I am going to be the best RA they ever hired, so that they will hire me again for future projects. :D
After all, I wouldn't have any extra expenses like petrol or lunch-money because I am not going anywhere, haha. The beauty of working at home. Thank you for technology.

Life's purpose?

-Que Sera, Sera by Doris Day-

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be. 

I think, growing up, all I ever know is that I am supposed to be someone special and important.

Nothing is more important than education and school came first.

Not only that, I was also active in school competitions, from primary till high school.

Even while doing my matriculation, I kept being active and got involved in quite a lot of 

extra curricular activities.

My mom made it clear that both she and my father would do their best in providing us with everything we need, all they want in return is for us to study hard and get good results.

I think I spent 80% of my growing up years, my youth and a part of my late-teens at school/university.

School holidays were for joining school camping trips or motivational camps or attending competitions or extra classes for the 2 big exams; PMR (lower secondary exam) and SPM (higher secondary exam). 

Even during my undergraduate years, during short public holidays, my mom told me to stay back or return early to the dormitory so that I could study better as opposed to staying at home.

I missed quite a lot of family time because of this. 

The point is, I am starting to realize that all these years, my priorities had been my parents' priorities.

They set the goals and aims.

I was just following orders.

Now that I am married and no longer under their wings, I am LOST.

Because I have no focus nor purpose in life.

Somehow, I don't know whether to feel depress or feel elated for finally acknowledging this fact.

All this while, I have only focused on what my parents want from me.

These days, my only focus is for the boys and Ahmad.

My purpose in this family is to care for them and provide them with the love and support that they need.

BUT.

What about me?

What purpose do I have for me?

Take away the boys and Ahmad & I'll be left with nothing.

I envy people who know what they want and strive to achieve it.

I wish to be the person my mom painted me to be.

It'll be ok, everything will be fine.

I know I will be fine.

Because I have my whole lifetime to find out.

Dear Mama,

"Sayang Mak, buat apa, kacau ka?"

Every time I answer the phone, this is how her greetings go.
She is always concerned about whether or not she's disturbing me with her calls.
No, Ma, you can call me anytime at all, I don't mind. In fact, I always look forward to giving you a call and tell you how lovely my life is.

*bawling like a baby*
.
.
.
.
*wiping off snot*

Hey Ma, do you remember our little chat in Ateh's room about 9 years ago?

I do.

You were right, every thing you said that night came true. Well, except for the part where I am supposed to be someone successful, attending a formal dinner at a fancy 5-star hotel.

And still, I couldn't deny my heart no matter how hard my head tells me not to.
Stupid heart.
Bleeding heart.

But still, if I knew then what I know now, would I have done things differently?
Maybe I would be more forceful about having our own place before getting married.
Maybe I would have pursue a career before having a baby.
Maybe.

Still, I pray for strength to deal with things I cannot change and wisdom to change what I can.

Ma, I love you!

GOD's will.

As a Muslim, I truly believe in God Al-Mighty, the one and only GOD.

I believe in the saying, "GOD works in mysterious ways."

God doesn't put us in a situation where we couldn't find the way out, we are there because of our own inability to search for it.

The same can be said of my current predicament.
I am being tested & I, myself have found me wanting.

I lack the perseverance and the will to fight for myself.
I have depended too much on other people, that I have found myself floundering in a sea of self-pity.

When I couldn't find the right, conventional path (career-wise), I got stuck at the crossroads, waiting for someone to come along and hold my hand/push me down the right road.

I am beginning to see that this scenario has got to stop.
There are other roads I can travel through.

Just this morning, I have been given insights on what I can do to improve myself.
Thinking back, all through my life, I have countless encounters such as the one I had this morning. Life changing encounters, messengers of God (melodramatic much? heh) finding me and giving me hints on how I can better myself.
The blame is on me for not following through.

I believe it is now the time to stop thinking of the chances I've missed and start looking for new opportunities.

Wish me luck, Insya ALLAH.

A new project.

Alhamdulillah.

I've managed to secure a new project; proofreading/editing a paper for publication in an academic journal. The plus side is the research is very similar to my own MSc thesis, so this one should be easy to read through.

Reading aside, I've been domesticated!

I mean, I am now, truly, a Stay-At-Home-Mom, with the whole shebang; cleaning, organizing, caring, washing plus COOKING!

I've cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner so much this week alone, they should cover all the days that I didn't cook in the last 2 years. Ahahaha..exaggerating much here.

But I do believe I've found my groove. Not that my dishes were over the top, just basic Malaysian dishes that are simple and easy to cook. The only reason I hated cooking was based on my experience, watching my mom and late grandma cook. My grandma's dishes always requires loads of ingredients and are always super-complicated. If one ingredient is missing, then the whole dish is a goner. They'd usually start preparation, like for lunch, as early as 10am! Then, there's the dishes, to be done during, while and after they are done cooking. That's not even counting the dishes after lunch is over. *sigh* Now do you see why I am not so keen on cooking?

Anyways, all in all, cooking for Ahmad & Nazrin (Shahrin hates eating heh) does give me a kind of satisfaction. Here's to Chef Anis! Hehe.

Recipe: Onion dumplings with anchovies

Today I made my mom's famous (within the family anyway heh) onion dumplings with anchovies for breakfast. P/s: Sorry Adik, no pictures, again..*sigh* I need to buy me a digital camera..
Actually, she has many variations for this type of dumpling, but today I just went with what I had in the kitchen.

So, the ingredients:

3 cups of wheat flour.
Half a cup of grounded dried anchovies.
1 minced onion (it was very big).
1 egg.
Salt to taste.


Preparations:
1- Mix all the above ingredients together with half a cup of water. Add more water till you reach a workable batter consistency.
2- Once you are satisfied with the batter, use a spoon to pour the batter into hot oil.
3- When the dumplings are golden brown, take them out of the fryer and drain excess oil on kitchen roll.
4- Serve warm (because of the kids heh) with chili sauce for dipping.
Bon apatite!!

Next time, I'm going to try her 'famous' plain sweet dumpling recipe. Till next time, folks.