Money, money, money, money...MONEY!

Yes, today I'll be talking about MONEY. Can't live without them...

But before that, I just wanna say, "I have FINALLY submitted my month long translation project!!!!" YA!!!YA!!!!!

err...alhamdulillah...hehhe

I managed to stick to my plan of translating 5 pages per day and I made it! It was such a relief to be able to email the translated document to my client and inform her that I have finally finished. 

I email her the document around 3.40pm and I simply crashed. 

I managed to keep myself together for the past weeks; staying up late (the only time I can really focus on my translation job without having 3 sets of hands clinging onto me, 4 if you count Ahmad hahahha) and waking up early, completing my usual household chores and stealing a few minutes to translate. But today, I completely ignored ALL housechores, except for those scrawny kids off course..can't forget them! heheh..and I focused on finishing the final 3 pages + proofreading the whole thing, you know, for typos, grammar etc..

Afterwards, when the file is already emailed, I planned on picking up the slack & settle cleaning up the house BUT when Khairin wanted to nurse, I simply clocked-off beside him. I woke up only because my mom called at 6.34pm. Right now, the sink is full with dirty dishes and I have 3 piles of dirty laundry to go through but I am cool with that because I AM FREE!!!!! hahahha

Ok, back to the topic at hand. *Ahem

I am really lucky to have been raised as a middle-class child who never sat foot in a KFC till she was already 15 years old, even then it was because her friends (from her boarding school) dared her to, hahah. A child who was never allowed frivolous foods such as candy, carbonated drinks, crackers and chocolate bars while she was growing up and now she would still feel a little self-conscious and guilty if she does buy any of these foods because she is still scared of her Baba, hahaha. 

I am fine with my present life these days, when other 'people' do not intrude on the somewhat 'tranquil' balance Ahmad & I have right now. We may not have a lot but we have been living on what we have and for us, these are enough. Yes, I do want a better life for my family but as Friar Tuck say, "The LORD works in mysterious ways" (you know, in Robin Hood, the one Kevin Costner was in..) and so far, I think HE has given us just what we need, when we need it. Alhamdulillah, we have never been so dirt-poor that we don't have anything to eat, we may only have enough to eat fried eggs but then again, Ahmad is not a picky eater, hehh. We do enjoy eating out at KFC, Pizza Hut, McDonalds every now and then but we are fine without. 

Even when we both are unable to bring in any money; I don't have any projects & Ahmad's bundle business slows down because of the weather, we are so lucky to have family members + my parents who give us loans except for my parents off course, they never ask for their money back. I am thankful for my safety nets who are always there for me.

For the past weeks, while I struggle with my translation job, Ahmad took up the slack, alhamdulillah. Since I haven't been able to accept any other translation/proofreading/writing projects because of this big project, I couldn't provide my family with anything. But as I said before, ALLAH provided us with more work for Ahmad instead. He has began to get a lot more welding projects, which ironically started when I got this big project. This month alone, Ahmad completed 4 projects; awnings, 2 door grills and a parking-area-tent and he has 3 more projects lined up. 

So, technically, we have never been poor because ALLAH still provides us with just what we need. Sure, we may never set foot in Legoland, Nusajaya, Johor or see what the hoolaabaloo is at i-City, Shah Alam, but as long as my kids have food to eat, clothes to wear and all-day-cartoons to watch, I am thankful.

P/s: This is not my 'one word' end of the year post. Will do that soon, though.  

7 years ago...

Wooo...

The day's almost over, I better step it up.

Okay, so on this day, 7 years ago (04/06/2005), Ahmad and I finally tied the knot. After going through so many rough patches, we were finally given the green light and became husband and wife. I still remember my husband being given the lecture by the Imam, he kept his head down the whole time. Such a proper 'gentleman' hahah.

Arrghhh...just missed it. The time I mean. It's 5/6 now...

Oh well..

After 7 years, I know that I may not have the best life can offer but I have enough with what he can give me. Although I would still prefer to live somewhere else other than here.

Thank you Abg for Shahrin, Nazrin and Khairin. 

Thank you for loving me the way I am.

Thank you for being patient with me.

Thank you for changing. Please let's move out. Pretty please? 

I'm really glad you changed. Love you so much more now.

Looking forward to getting old with you by my side. :p

Feeling guilty...

I can't sleep anymore even though I stayed up till 3am last night.

My poor husband's angry at me T_____T

He's been waiting for almost 2 months but I was just not into it.

I was sleepy and tired plus his brother slept here last night. That's a big turnoff for me. Huhu.

Why am I not interested? He tried his best during foreplay..pushing all the right buttons but......

I just don't feel like getting involved. He must have sensed it when his attempt to draw me into it was thwarted yet again (I didn't kiss him back).

In the end, he just got up and went out of the room for a smoke without getting what he wanted.

Thank you..

Thank you 

from the bottom of my heart

for those who has shown concern 

towards my predicament.

Your thoughts and well wishes are deeply appreciated.
I haven't given up.
I will still try to convince him to let me keep working.

Pray for me.

Breaking News from The World of The Drama Queen

This is the latest news.

The Lord of The Household has spoken.

The Queen will have to resign from her current position and

reclaim the throne of household chores.

The Queen tried to negotiate but her pleas fell on deaf ears (and zipped lips).

It was alleged that a few bribe offers were extended by the Queen

but was vetoed by The Lord of The Household.

Further negotiation (followed by expertly planted kisses)

has resulted in an extension period for the Queen's

working days.

As of next month, the Queen will once again be wielding the Sword of Cleanliness and keeping the sanctity of 

the Kingdom of 107A safe.

It is also rumored that the Queen is plotting mutiny and 

will be seeking outside influences to oppose the

tyranny of the current Lord.

However, this rumor has not been confirmed.

More updates coming soon.

Stay tune.

Pillow talk...

Salam,

Feeling at bit mixed up today.
Had a semi-serious (me; sleepy as hell, him; still wide awake) talk with Ahmad about me working.
While trying to get his hands in my *you-know-what* (18SX!), he said "Takyah pi keja la esok."

Me, with sleep still heavy on my mind, tried to evade his roving hands while trying to wrap my head around his statement. All I could come up with was a lame "Awat plak?"

He replied that a friend had offered him a job, thus I have to stay at home to look after the boys.
Me, in my head, "LIKE HELL!" coz I know how he is. He'll work with that friend for a month or so and then he'll quit. Why? Because that's just how he is. Ahmad is like a child when it comes to working. He can never stick to just one job for very long. His attention span is very short in terms of job interest.

However, he is skilled in all the jobs he's been involved in. He's like a Jack-of-All-Trade, seriously! He can drive a lorry/trailer, knows how to weld, knows a little bit about carpentry, can fix his own car/motorcycle (well, minor ones at least) and he is a good businessman (in the 3 brief years we dabbled in selling 2nd-hand clothes in night markets). 

Plus I think I've started to like working here even though the pay is small. The workload is manageable (at times non-existent) and I get along well with my co-workers. I've also learned a few useful tricks regarding photocopying and using the fax machine, tricks I wouldn't know if I had only stayed at home.

Ahmad hadn't actually given an ultimatum but from what he said last night and his response this morning when I kissed him before coming to work; he really don't want me working. I'm not sure how to tackle this new dilemma but I managed to placate him by telling him I'll quit at the end of the month (NOOOOO!!!!!)

I'm sure he's sulking right now or he will be when I get back this evening. When I woke up this morning for sahur (3 more days to ganti all my puasa heh), he woke up as well and said "Takyah pi keja ari ni.." before turning over and going back to sleep.

*sigh*

Any advice?     

Being a woman; mother and wife.

For full text, please go here

p/s: Notice how I've finally figured out how to 'print-screen' a page I like?  

Totally lame, I know but I'm a slow-learner heheh

First of all, I think I've made it known here that I hate TB.

Now that I've establish that, I have to inform you that TB's back, permanently, in my life again!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Last year when I wrote this, I really thought that TB would no longer be a thorn in my side,
at least not as pesky a thorn as she was 4 years back.
Back then, I didn't write down my #1 freedom.

Honestly, it's freedom from TB.

After our HUGE fall-out close to my due-date (preggy with Nazrin at the time), I kept
pestering Ahmad about moving out and renting a house for our family.
He did nothing about it even after his biological father stepped in and tried to convince him to
move us out of the current house we're living in; read: TB's house.
This parental intervention was also joined by my parents, who offered to pay for our rent
if he agrees to move out. As it is with Ahmad, he didn't say YES or NO.
He just maintained a stony silence with all parties involved in this drama.

To cut a long story short, while I stayed with my parents a month before giving birth to Nazrin & during confinement afterwards, TB told Ahmad that we can stay in that house because...

She's moving out!




That, ladies and gentlemen, was my FIRST FREEDOM for last year.
She moved to Taiping, staying with her other adopted son who is working there.
I was free of her presence for at least 5 days a week.  
She always come back on Mondays to attend a micro-financing meeting here.
I can manage the smaller percentage of her presence and could breathe a sigh of relief during her absence.

Unfortunately, as of yesterday, it has been confirmed that
TB IS MOVING BACK IN!!!!!!
Why? Because she wants to help with Shahrin and Nazrin.


ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH


This sad news was delivered to me by our neighbor, who is a good friend of TB's,
so she knows all the current gossip regarding TB.
I could have cried, right there and then but as we were standing there in front of TB's front door,
I saw her car coming into the driveway and I excused myself from the neighbor and went inside my room,
to scream into the pillow. 


So, what's the connection of all this hoolaabaloo with the link above?
Well, as I read this, I realized that each one of the points stated there are right.
I can relate with every point as I am now all of the persona stated above.
 I am mother and wife now.

I feel, experience, lived through and currently going through all the possibilities written in it.

But, if you read through No.6, I need you to know that I have been stupidly contemplating the D-word
even though I love Ahmad so much, it hurts.
Just because he wouldn't move out of that house.

At the peak of our fight regarding my hatred for TB (he knows how much I hate his mother) and his stubbornness about staying there, I did tell him that I would consider the D-word if this problem wasn't resolve quickly.
He stormed out of the house, didn't come back till around 2am and didn't speak to me for the whole week.
But he did finally allow me to go back home to my parents during my pregnancy with Nazrin.
A small reprieve but at least it got me out of that house and away from TB.

But how long do I have to suffer TB before I finally break?
How will I know that our love will still be strong, with this problem hanging over our heads?
Can I still stay with him when he wouldn't even consider moving out?

As for the last part, No.7, I am thankful for having tears to cry just because
I AM A WOMAN

6 years and counting...

My ticker counter indicates that as of today, we have been married for 6 years.

Imagine that...6 looooongggggggggg years.......

Has it really been this long?

Man.....

Right now, today is just like any other special day in our married life.


uneventful.

Need a to-do list, quick!

I have lots of things floating around in my head today.
The things I'm worried about most are household related since next Monday, I won't be around to do them.
Laundry; washing, airing/sun-drying and folding them, dishes in the sink, sweeping/mopping. You know, everyday things that I have been doing all these while, while Ahmad snores away till noon. *Urghhh*
Come Monday, who's going to do all that?

I'm worried the most about the boys. They are used to having me around, especially Nazrin who still breastfeeds. When I'm at work (still can't believe I'm going to work next week, heh), who is going to make Shahrin's formula? And make sure Nazrin eats his food and not play around with it after he's full?
Who is going to break up their fights over toys?

Ahmad and I had discussed these things, briefly anyway, since he's never really at home for a proper discussion. From what have been talked about, he would take care of the children and some (just some) of the household chores. He would send Shahrin to pre-school and pick him up at noon. He would stay at home with Nazrin and feed him and bathe him and put him down for his nap. During the evening when Shahrin is home, they would spend the time watching TV or maybe go for a ride to the playground. Ahmad has also agreed to hang the laundry out only if I've put them in the washing machine. But he doesn't do folding or the windows or the sweeping or the mopping.

*Aiiiiiyaaiiiyaiiyaaiiii*

Anyway, I need to list down the things I need to prepare for Monday. I think I need to iron 5 pairs of my baju kurung, in preparation for the whole week. Then, I need to do a check-list for Ahmad, so that he knows what to expect when dealing with the boys, though personally, I've always winged-it with them.
Hmm..need to rummage through my 'download folder' for all the cute free printables I've collected so far. I know there's quite a number of them that are cute.

28042011

The day will end soon, in exactly two hours from now.
Though I've never really celebrated it, his silence cuts deep into my heart.
In my family, these particular days are not celebrated, we just get passing remarks from siblings who remembered, and I am guilty of not remembering my siblings' special days.
With the exception of my elder brother, we share the same date, lucky us.

If I have a cake in front of me & I get to make a wish (though such tradition is not allowed in Islam), I'd wish for him to realize just what he already has in front of him.
He is loved by all; his adopted parents, his biological father, his step-mother, an aunt who really is a cousin, a grandmother who really is an aunt, plus all his family members.

I hate the way he treats his father & step-mother, though there is little I can do.
I try to make up for his lack of attention but I am not him & they deserve better than what I can give in lieu of his real love.

I hate the way he ignores his adopted mother.
And I especially hate the fact that he made me stay here when he knows I want my own home.

I hate the fact that I have to make up for everything that he is lacking when I am not HIM!

He didn't even wish me "Happy Birthday"

It would've made my day.

Feeling sorry for myself.

-Beyonce-

IF I WERE A BOY

 

If I were a boy
even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go

Drink beer with the guys
and chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
and I'd never get confronted for it
cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
so they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I’d put myself first
and make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’ll be faithful,
waiting for me to come home, to come home.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man
I'd listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake,
think i'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
you thought wrong


But you're just a boy
You don't understand
and you don't understand, ohhhh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man
You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

But you're just a boy

lyrics curtsey of this page

I'm moving slowly past resentment and closer to hate.

I don't know what I'd do when & if I ever get there.

God forbids but........who knows?

Don't push THAT button!!!

I love Ahmad very much. You guys know that, right?

But seriously, having him around these days is really, REALLY, REALLY! getting on my nerves.

His daily routine?
1-Wake up around noon.
2-Shower and get dressed.
3-Have whatever breakfast/lunch item that's available for that day. (I'm still working out the kinks with the 'cooking' part).
4-Heads out (don't ask, I don't know where he goes every time he leaves the house).
5-Comes back home around 3@4p.m. and stays for at least 1 hour.
6-Heads out again.
7-Comes back for a shower and dinner (sometimes he'd bring back dinner or we'd eat out or of late, I'd cook).
8-Watch TV with the boys for a bit.
9-Heads out AGAIN! till...wait a minute! I don't know what time he comes home!


Can you imagine my frustration seeing him curled up in bed all day long??!! Not helping with the boys or the chores at all?!
I didn't mind this routine when he was working, I understand the fact that while driving long distance, he couldn't get much sleep.
But, come on!!! He quit his job! All he ever do these days are sleeping, watching TV & fishing.

Then, this afternoon, after finishing my chores for the day, I woke him up & asked him to go buy us some lunch because 1) I was famished and 2) I was so tired, I couldn't handle cooking lunch.

Know what he said? "Why don't you go? I wouldn't know what dishes you want to eat."

I got so MAD!! I got ready and drove off on my own. I left the boys with him & very nearly had my lunch at the restaurant, all by myself, just to spite him. But I just couldn't do it. Nazrin would go hungry if I don't buy something for him, plus my mom taught me better than that. So, I bought us all lunch to-go. Luckily I didn't pass out while driving the car, I was THAT tired!

*sigh*

The things I go through for this man............

Oh crap!

I'm feeling very, very, VERY annoyed right now.
Been building up this feeling since this morning.
About what else if it's not Ahmad.

He goes out everyday now, not for job-hunting, but fishing.
F.I.S.H.I.N.G. ladies and gentlemen, F.I.S.H.I.N.G!!!

I mean, what the &*^$?
And we don't do anything with the fish he caught.
Well, the first few times we did but after the 100th time, bleghh...?

He wouldn't even sell them, they usually die of boredom in our sons' plastic bathtub. (Don't worry, I've already disinfected the tub with heavy duty cleaners)

What pisses me of is the fact that he wouldn't even let me visit my mom, who's in Ampang now. Since Baba is not around (went to Nashville to check on my youngest brother who studies at Vanderbilt U), she's staying there with my younger sister for the duration of his absence.
He (Ahmad, not my father) goes out everyday, enjoying his butt off & I'm stuck here babysitting this stupid place! Which is not even mine! And which I hate!

When he DOES come home, he's all tired out, sleeping in the evening then wakes up just to head out again. BS! Comes back home 2, 3 a.m every night.

It wouldn't have piss me off so bad if he'd been working hard & is just enjoying a little R&R but since he had quit his job, all he's doing now is wasting time.

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only I have a pan large enough to bang his head with!

Blurry.

I know that when I blog, I'd have to say something insightful, for this blog to be meaningful and of use to my 'readers' (are there?huhu)

But right now, all I want to do is just let off steam. Have been feeling very, very awkward these past few days.

1. Mainly because hubby's mom came back here & have been busy pruning and taking care of her little garden. I haven't even cared nor do I have the time to mess around outside the house, when I couldn't even take care of the inside. This is another reason why I am DESPERATE to get out of here. Most of the time, whenever she comes back here, she'd go about doing her work & I would leave her to do them by herself. I learned not to offer her any help because she'd always decline, and so, like the good Pavlovian subject, I don't offer to help anymore because I know she wouldn't want any. Thus the awkward feeling.

2. Hubby's step-mom was admitted in to the hospital this morning & I didn't even know about it till 4pm. And we live the closest, amongst hubby's siblings, to his parents. They didn't call us to let us know, but their other children who live in Kajang, knows about it earlier than us. See how this too is another awkward situation for me?

Mixed feelings..

On Monday, I finally got to meet my LHP 452: English for Business Writing lecturer. I think I was in her class for LKI 441 class back in Tronoh, but I can't be sure. I'm terrible with names and faces. If I ever was a witness for any crime, and have to describe the culprit to the police, I would've failed, miserably, heh. But I digress, sorry.

Actually, this post has been 3 days in the making; first wrote about it Monday night but got side-tracked by my sons, tried again yesterday, and failed again, so I'm really trying hard to finish it today, though there's always an emergency every 5 minutes or so, with the boys running around, fighting over toys and other stuff.

Anyway, on Sunday night, as I was getting our stuff ready for Monday morning; ironing my baju kurung and Shahrin's Taska uniform (it was his 1st day back to school after the long holiday), putting the boys' change of clothes in their respective bags (I've arranged to leave Nazrin with a babysitter while I was at USM) and my own stuff into my bag, Hubby suddenly spoke up.

"Are you really going to attend that class?" in his usual 'uninterested but just asking' tone.
"Yup, I've already paid the tuition fees & tomorrow I'm meeting the lecturer to discuss the schedule."

Then, because I'm such a good wife, and after being married to him for over 5 years now, I know that my going back to school bothers him some. Plus, the way he asked about it, hinted his 'discomfort'?, his 'doubt'?* with my plan. So, I tried to talk to him about it. As usual, he'd either deny that anything is bothering him or he'd just shrug it off, as if talking about the topic is too much work for him. *sigh*

This attitude of him is really the only one I actually hate, because by not wanting to talk things through with me, he makes me feel unimportant. As if nothing I say means anything to him or things that matters to me is none of his concern. That night, when I asked him if he doesn't want me to attend that class, he only said, "Just go, since you really want to."

How do YOU interpret that sentence? Am I suppose to 'not go' because he clearly seems like he doesn't want me to? Or am I suppose to ignore what he wants, which I'm clearly doing now anyway, heh.

So, today, my lecturer called to inform me of my class schedule. Our first class will start next week, on Wednesday, from 1 - 3pm and the 2nd class will be on Thursday, from 1 - 2pm. This timetable suits me quite well, thank goodness, because I can pick up Shahrin from his pre-school at 12.30pm and then, head straight to Nazrin's babysitter's house to drop both of them off. I'll pick them up after I finish my class on my way back.

Though my lecturer said I could opt not to attend class, since she'll mostly teach us how to write quality business letters/proposals/memos and she could just give me her copy of teaching materials, I told her that attending class would be good for my mental state. I've been dormant for so long now, going to class could very well jog my brain up a couple of notches.

Maybe this class will be my ticket to a better me!

A warning? A reminder? what? what?

Last night hubby took us shopping at Tesco. The shopping event itself was pretty normal, if you count cranky, sleepy, snotty 1.5 years old as a normal part of your everyday life, heheh.

Anyway, we were nearly finished with our grocery shopping when Nazrin really acted up, since by that time, it was waaayyy past his bedtime. So, as we head towards the check-out counter, I told hubby to wait for me at our car because I have to nurse Nazrin before he really blows a gasket.

Left hubby and Shahrin at the counter to pay up and I headed towards the musolla for a bit of privacy while I nurse Nazrin.

There was a lady there, just finishing her Isya' prayer. I didn't pay her any attention at all because I have a major containment issue at hand, hint: Nazrin. But as Nazrin was finally happy nursing, I noticed that the lady was staring at us, with a dreamy, faraway look on her face. I smiled and said, "He couldn't wait till we finished shopping, had to make a quick stop here before heading home."

To which she said, "He looks so cute, I was just thinking about my littlest one."
.
.
.
And promptly burst out crying!
.
.
I was like, was it something I said??

Turned out, that lady was going through a rough divorce. She have 3 children of her own but her ex-husband wanted to keep them all. Since she didn't have the money to hire a divorce attorney, she couldn't fight him for them. That wasn't all, her husband divorced her because he has finally found his true-love and wanted to marry her (who was in her teens by the way). The lady I was talking to was his mother's choice, so, they were literally an arranged-marriage couple.

She said he didn't even feel guilty about leaving her, childless and a divorcee too, just because he found someone else. And they have been married for quite a long time. As a mother and a wife, I feel for her. It seems unfair for her to be dealing with 2 major heartbreaks at once. I think, being divorced is hard enough, but to be separated from all her children? No wonder she burst out after watching me nurse Nazrin.

Our conversation didn't last long though. She managed to compose herself and tried to lighten the mood by telling me her plans of opening her own restaurant. She's been working at the food court for 2 years and has learned enough to try and make it on her own. Then, we parted ways, she headed towards her and Nazrin and I went to the parking lots.

As I walked towards our car and saw hubby waiting for us inside, I felt tears stinging my eyes. I remembered my own heartbreak when my parents were against our relationship at first. At that time, I thought being told by my parents that he can never be my husband was painful enough. I was wrong. After becoming his wife, there are other possible heartbreaks that could happen to me. Marriage in real life is never like Cinderella's story: And they live happily ever after. I pray to GOD that I may never feel the pain of that lady. Though my heart goes to her. May GOD grant her the strength and wisdom to get through her ordeal.