ALHAMDULILLAH....

I haven't been very thankful lately. Not that I have completely shirked by obligations as a Muslim all together. It's more of a 'owwhhh...I have this and that and those and these and I should be thankful for them all..'. Get it?

Hmm..where shall I start?

First off, I AM thankful for my hubby (although I still feel like bashing his head with a frying pan every once in a while!) who provided for my boys and I and protected us and love us in his quiet ways.

I am thankful for Shahrin and Nazrin, the diamonds in my life.

I am thankful for my parents who stood by me through all my conflicted life.

I am thankful for my siblings for their support and love.

I am thankful for my life.

Bad girl! Bad girl!

I am, without a doubt, my own worst enemy. Dang!

I got an e-mail from my brother 2 days ago, about job vacancies offered by a medical company in Penang. The company have 9 vacancies and 5 of them are related to engineering. Ok, I may have to contact them to know more about these positions but it seems like an ex-Chemical Engineering student like me would be eligible for most of these positions.
(Or so I hope)

However..

As I read the e-mail, as I looked at the job titles, as I contemplated the idea of submitting my resume, my mind is already shooting down the thoughts as they fleeted across my brain.

*sound of whispers*

no, you're not good enough for that job...

no, that job sounds complicated..
ermm, are you sure about that one?...
definitely not that one, you don't even KNOW what it's about...

I can totally connect with Linkin Park's song, "Papercut"

"Papercut"

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here's not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia's all I got left
I don't know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
Like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)

(credit: AZ Lyrics Universe)

This version of me has definitely need a time-out.
I am sick of her!
I want the old me back, the-girl-who-hold-the-world-in-her-palms me.
I am sick of being pitied by my parents.

Dang! Dang! Dang!

Lost dreams..

Things were so easy when you are a child.

Your life goals were already set for you, all you need to do is follow the path and do you best.

# In primary school, the goal was to score 4A's in UPSR to get into the best secondary school. (Check)
#In lower-secondary school, the goal was to score 8A's in PMR for the same reason. (Check)
#In upper-secondary school, the goal was to score the lowest aggregates in order to get Grade 1 in SPM to be eligible to get into the best universities. (Check)

Then, life got harder and harder as you grow older. The path is not so straight and clear anymore. Your best is just not enough anymore.

The dreams you had as a child has faded away into nothingness. No matter how hard you try to hang on to them, they slipped through your fingers like the sand of time.

You become disoriented, clueless.

You fade.

I was so bored that I...

did this!


I saw a tutorial somewhere, though I can't find the blog to link here, and it looked simple enough.
So, last night, I cut up strips of papers and weaved them into a box. Just a basic weave of in and out, up and down, not rocket science.

TADAAA!!!!

There, it's done, though I had to use quite a lot of cellophane tape to keep everything in place. Plus, up close, my weaving technique needs a lot more practice.

Hmm..now what am I suppose to do with this?

Nazrin at 16 month old.

Dear Nazrin sayang,

I apologize for not making your monthly update one of my priorities. I just couldn't keep up with you boys, always playing, always running, always up to something.

Nazrin, you are such a happy toddler, quick to smile and wave at people, even strangers, quick to learn and so much more adventurous than your brother. You began to walk when you were around 10 to 11 month old, now you run with glee. You are always on the move, always exploring, you've made so much mess, I'm tempted to just throw everything away, so that I don't have to clean up. Nothing in this house is out of your bound. While your brother mostly spend his time with his TV friends, you'd be climbing the chair to get to my computer or you'd ride your little red bike. Mostly, you'd tag along wherever I go and keep me company while I do my chores.


However, you are so clingy. *sigh* I still cannot leave you alone, even for a second. Well, you can go wherever you like but if I made the first move, then you'd bawl your eyes out. I can't stand watching those eyes turn puffy and your little button nose turn red. My darling baby.

If you see a lizard on the wall, you'd go, "chi-chak, shoo shoo", which is so adorable. And when you want something, "nnaaakk tiit". I love cooking meals for you because I know you'd eat them up, unlike your brother but I know you are beginning to rub off on him. You guys play better these days. Tag is your current favorite game, peekabo is second and the I-want-whatever-toy-he-has-right-NOW game is the absolute fun game to play when all I want to do is close my eyes.


You have learned that the purple basket is for dirty laundry and the black basket is full of potential mess. When I give you a simple order, like "Raise your arm", or "It's time for bath", or "Time for lunch" and etc, you know what they mean and you act accordingly. And since we spend 24 hours together, you seem to only heed my orders, like when Ayah wanted a kiss, I'd have to persuade you to kiss him, and you did. Ayah is totally proud of you for being such a clever boy, and so am I. So am I.


Nazrin, you currently have 8 set of teeth, 4 on top and 4 at the bottom. I also noticed that your back molars are beginning to crown. Maybe that is the reason for your crankiness these past weeks. But then again, you are always cranky, hehe.

Well my darling, you always bring a smile to my face. I am so thankful I have you in my life.

Just what I need.

I've been reading this blog for a while now. Just love the free things she posts on her blog. Some are whimsical, some are practical and all are delicious!

Found this one while blog-hopping tonight. Can really imagine myself writing my thoughts down on these cute spaces. Now I just need a printer. Remember what I wrote about having a "destination addiction" syndrome? *sigh*

A.N.I.S.

My mother told me that it was either Anas for a boy or Anis for a girl.

And since I am a girl/woman*, she named me Anis, which means 'good friend' or/and 'the listener'. However, she also told me that she named me after a Malay writer, Anis Sabirin, whose book I've tried looking for but never found. And the name Anas was taken by her friend who gave birth to a boy, just a few month after my birth.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I'm not sure yet. However, the meaning of my name does reflect who I am to a certain degree. I am very good at making new friends but I don't think I am very good at keeping them close. Then, there's the issue of my name being a 'manly' name, as pointed out by my Pakistani ex-lecturer. He told me of a Pakistani hockey player by the name of Anis Mohamad and that if a girl is to be named Anis, it should be Anisah. I told him that I don't mind either way because I love it for its simplicity and if I want to play around, I can just add the letter M at the front to make M+Anis = Manis (sweet) heheh.

However, I do think that I could be more like my name sake. I love, LOVE, LOVE to read and I used to love writing. I love reading romance (Nora Roberts & Judith McNaught to name a few), love thriller/suspense (Robin Cook, Patricia Cornwall & the latest Dan Brown), love Harry Potter! and loved Enid Blyton. As for my writing, well, I think I stopped writing due to my academic requirements that leaned more towards formulas, equations and theories rather than poetic or romantic. Nevertheless, I do remember being praised by my English teacher during Matriculation, for a story I wrote about a boy who worked in my high school's canteen. She told me that my piece was heartfelt and honest and she really connected with the story. It was the nicest thing anyone ever said about my piece.

I think I may have chosen the wrong path with regards to career choices. All my life, I was told that I am clever, gifted, though not superior (Bakagroove gave me a certificate!) and that I should either be a doctor or an engineer (like there was no other job choice EVER). Such were the expectations placed upon me during my teens.

I could have been a doctor. I mean, during matriculation, I was given the chance to visit our Health Campus in Kubang Kerian and I also went through my very first interview for a position in the would-be-doctors list. There was a panel of 3 doctors from HUSM and me and 2 other students had to prove to them why we should be given a spot in their list. The competition to get into medicine was pretty intense. Alas, after going through all that, I didn't make it, my grades were not enough to qualify me as doctor material. So, I got the next best thing, chemical engineering. A lecturer at my Chem. Eng. School used to say that we chem. students were mere cast offs from medicine, in a nice way. These days, I am thankful that I didn't go down that path. I now know that I could never have survived the sheer energy & determination you'd have to put into completing medicine. No sleep, always studying, face in a book for hours on end and let's not forget the grueling hospital rounds, being on-call 24/7. I would have had a nervous breakdown within a month, heh.

Hmm...I have to look deeper inside myself to find out what I'm supposed to accomplish in this life. I'm still clueless. *sigh*

*I'm not a girl, not yet a woman....hahahahahahaha

SELAMAT HARI RAYA!

Well people,

I'm currently here at my sister's house in Salak Selatan, typing on her Acer, drinking her delicious Nescafe..while my sons; the oldest is still watching TV (I don't know how he can stand watching the TV all day long *sigh*) and the youngest is sleeping, thank GOD. Unfortunately, my hubby is home alone because he didn't want to spend Raya anywhere else but at his 'kampung'. And since I know that TB is going to celebrate Raya there, I persuaded hubby to let us tag along with my parents to KL. There is no way I'm going to stick around whenever she is around, hah! Thankfully, he is a decent guy and he knows how much I hate her, so that's why he gave me the permission to spend Raya with my clan. Thanks Ahmad!

My parents, sons and I arrived at my other sister's workplace around 2.30 Monday evening. Then we spent the next 2 hours resting* at her building's musolla while waiting for her to finish work so that we can follow her home. Baba knows only limited routes in KL, thus the stop at her workplace. Then, we had a scrumptious dinner/breaking fast dinner at a Thai restaurant near her home, with the table we booked ladden with lots of dishes. My stomach was so full, I felt like puking, hahah. Our dinner party comprises of 6 adults and 4 children which makes for a very chaotic dinner indeed. Afterwards, we all headed back to my other sister's house to rest. My sister, the one I'm crashing with right now managed to talk me into staying with her instead of at my other sister's. So, we've been going to and from both my sisters' house since yesterday.

Today we cooked our dinner. It was fun and fast-paced and chaotic and just so relaxing at the same time. It sure feels good to be around my family again.

* with the boys running amok in the musolla, how can I ever rest? *sigh*

Red flags!

I keep putting off writing this entry.
I don't want to analyze what I'm feeling right now.
The truth hurts. That's right. Nobody would really admit their mistakes.
Especially when that mistake is preventable and has been predicted by the masses.

DANG!

Well, here goes..

Red flag..
#1 - He never say "Thank you", not to me anyway.
#2 - Before we got married, he lives with his aunt and his grandmother. (Should have been a
MAJOR red flag!)
#3 - He always put his friends first ahead of my needs.
#4 - Never really talk about his dreams/ambitions. He never really talk, PERIOD!
#5 - Doesn't have a good relationship with any of his family members, it's complicated.
#6 - Takes me and the boys for granted.

There's plenty more but let's just focus on these flags first, ok?

Well, with these many red flags up against him, I should probably focus on ways I can take to improve our marriage.
Problem is, refer to flag #4.
Usually, I would present my case to him when he's rested and not doing anything much except watch TV. Then, after I've finish presenting my case, he'd either 'hmmm' or 'ok' or down right 'NO'. Cases of the delicate nature would require days of proposing, tip-toeing around his ego and making sure I have good reason to request such a case.

So, I could research Google up to the wazoo and still not come up with any good plan to improve our situation.

Wait, you're saying I'm giving up before a fight?

Oh, no, no. It's not like that.
I have fought him over our living arrangements before. I'd even go as far as threatening him with a divorce. But him, being a man, would not change his ways. And me, being the insecure little mouse that I am, just let him walk all over me.

(How stupid was I to think LOVE would be enough to attain happy ever after. Cinderella made it look so easy, though. Maybe I need a fairy godmother too)