Monday, November 29, 2010

Yay! I'm done!

Alhamdulillah...

I have finally finished translating the paper and book I'm supposed to translate.

It have been an eye opener for me. Never did I realized that I don't even know some of the words in my native language I found in the bilingual dictionary. *gasp*

Nor did I realized that I understand English quite well but to translate it into Malay, I'm at lost for words. Haha. It was like I know what the sentence/paragraph/word means but I just don't know how to put it/them into Malay words.

Thank GOD for the dictionary. I would have been 'at lost for words'. <-- get it? hahaha, lame joke.

Anyway, I've also come to the conclusion that if I ever wish to succeed at work-at-home, I have to prioritize my time. I really need to make a list of the things/chores/work to do for the day and stick to it because I am a champion PROCRASTINATOR.

Personally, this has been my yearly-new-year-resolution which I never follow through. Hah! I'm fed up with myself :(

I've found some great organizational blogs that offers free calendars, lists, schedules and stuff to make their lives easier and more organized. I am going to pick their blog/brain so that I can actually follow through with the not-so-new-year-resolution thing.

Hopefully, 2011 will be a greater year for me, myself and mine.
Insya ALLAH

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Haha funny.

Is there anybody still reading this blog? I've been so focused on my translation project, I've neglected my blog. Sorry guys.

It seems like I have had quite a bad month, starting with my toothache, then going to the dentist, have it extracted and had to suffer through bad coughing plus swollen gum. It didn't stop there, I cough so hard, I have headache; maybe from the swollen gum too but I wasn't sure, and I pee my pants. Embarrassing but totally not my fault (is it? hahaha) because I've found out 2 years ago that the condition is called incontinence due to child-birth.

Then, during the Eid Adha, hubby's relative said something to me that really tore me up. Thus the 2 lame post I wrote previously. What that person said totally wrecked my mood and my self-esteem. I felt like a loser, a nobody, useless.

I know that I've been imposing on their kindness for too long now, 5 years to be exact. But I didn't want this! I didn't want to be the live-in-housekeeper. I want my own place! I've told them that over and over, I've argued with hubby about this since 4 years ago. But nobody listens to me.

I hate this.

But life goes on.

I still have my boys to cheer me up, my parents for love and support, I know hubby loves me in his own selfish way. These days, I can only focus on my translating project (okey, that's complete BS because I am procrastinating; FB, blog-hopping, TV watching etc :D) but you get the idea right?

So, till we meet again folks.
Signing out.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Head bowed down in humility..

I know when I'm not wanted here.

I know that no matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong.

I know nothing I do would ever be enough.

I know I'm imposing on their kindness and generosity.

I know I'm a hypocrite.

I know I need to find us a house, all for ourselves, Ahmad excluded if he chooses to stay here.

I know I'm getting to the point of not caring what they say anymore.

I know I NEED to do what's best for me and the boys.

I know all these but....

I know I need the courage to do it.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Just crap!

I was once told by a senior in my boarding school that I was rude.

I was once informed by a friend that another friend said I was selfish.

I was once told by my mother that I am lazy.

I was once told by a bomoh that I don't do much thinking.

I was once reprimanded for being a recluse.

I was once scolded/berated at for defending my son's innocence.

I am sure they were all right about me. I am these things and more.
.
.
.
.
.
And I f@$*ing hate knowing all these because I aim to please. Anybody. Everybody.
I try to please my husband by making enemies in his family.
I try to please my mother by alienating my husband once in a while.
I try to please...

But in the end...it's never enough. I always fall short.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Before and after.

BEFORE:

Before I went to see the dentist, my tooth hurts, constantly, a dull, ever present pain that reaches to my brain.

AFTER:

After I got my tooth extracted yesterday, I had to zone-out with painkillers, because the before pain had become even more unbearable!
The doctor failed to pull out the whole tooth since it had rotted near the root. So my old tooth is still in there, half of it anyway. The dentist said there's nothing she could do to extract the root out but I'm not to worry because the root looks kind of intact.
The problem is I think my gum is swollen and my cheek hurts too.
Then on the 24th I have another appointment with her for scaling. Check out this nice article about scaling your teeth.
I've never had any problem with my teeth, just the normal baby-teeth-falling-out and the occasional scaling. I don't have any cavity, none, they were all perfectly normal, well, except for slight yellowish coloring, heh.
However, being pregnant with the boys, I have been told again and again by the local doctor that the fetus will absorb much of the mother's calcium and other nutrients.
I guess having toothache after toothache after having the boys are small prices to pay for their love.

p/s: okey, I know this is a crappy post but bare with me for another day or two till I've taken stock of what is really still causing this pain. Hopefully the pain will subside enough for me to continue to semi-function around the house. LOL.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Double whammy!

My tooth hurts!
Since 6 days ago!
And there's nothing I can do about it because I missed tooth-extraction day: Tuesday!

It started becoming unbearable on Wednesday. It's my wisdom tooth (why do we call them that? wisdom tooth? I see no point in calling them so), they've been bothering me since they crowned 7 years ago (I'm a late bloomer, heh). They didn't hurt when they were coming out but afterwards, they've been digging into my cheeks and hurting my gum. I've already got one removed, now I have to patiently wait 1 more day for tooth-extraction day, tomorrow. St*#%d clinic wouldn't accept request for emergency extractions, they only do it on Tuesday<-- read with heavy sarcasm. How convenient for them, don't they know just how hurtful it is to bear a toothache??? I had to buy painkillers from a pharmacy because I couldn't stand the constant pain.

Then about 2 days ago, my throat started feeling itchy and scratchy. Now I coughing like hell. I didn't sleep well at night because of the coughing. I cough so hard, I pee in my pants. It's not enough that I already suffer from incontinence after delivering the boys. Ughh..with the coughing and the toothache, think I'll eat more painkillers. *sigh*

Friday, November 5, 2010

SAHM, WAHM, thank you Ma'am

For the uninitiated, SAHM stands for Stay At Home Mom, WAHM is Work At Home Mom, which technically is the same thing (for me anyway because staying at home IS work too), although WAHM are really mothers who work AT home. Then there's the WAFHM, Work Away From Home Mom, the bulk of the motherhood community who goes out to work.

Mothers everywhere are battling it out over who is the better mother, those who work away from home or those who stay at home. And with the booming technology and internet connections, another breed of mothers have emerged; those who work at home (or maybe they have always existed? hmm).

Okay, calm down. Don't get all ruffled up people. This is one fight, if not handled delicately, can cause a Civil War to explode.

Personally, staying at home with my boys is a choice I made out of necessity, starting with my first son having problems due to being born premature at 33 weeks gestation. We had to take him to the hospital every 2 weeks for follow-ups after he was released after spending almost a month there. Then there's the constipation problem he started having since he was 4 month old till now, he's 4 years old now btw. All of these complications made me realized that I need to spend more time with him, not send him off to a nursery or to a nanny, plus the fact that after graduating and sending out hundreds of job applications to no avail, so I chose to stay at home with him.

Hubby had also started his own business, so I figured we could kill two birds with one stone. I get to stay at home with my son and help my husband with our family business. Perfect. Except when the great recession hit USA and we got affected by the shoddy economy. People are getting smarter with their money, less spending on expensive items and more on daily staples; food. We barely manage to survive on our meager sales, thankfully my parents helped out. That's when my mom started nagging me about going to work, for the sake of my boys and for my own sake. She didn't want me and the boys to be left high and dry should anything bad happens to hubby.

She right, she's always right, you know. Just 6 months ago, hubby decided to quit the business and get back to working in a day job. The first 3 months after he quit, we lived on my savings (the student loan that I've managed to save during undergrad) alone since he doesn't have one. We didn't have anything else to fall back on, except for my parents, whom as always, will bail me out financially every time we get short. Thankfully, our financial situation is looking better since hubby is getting his groove back, he went back to trucking long distance, a job he quit after Shahrin was born. But I understand now that I myself need to have my own income.

I've started back on the job hunting, resume sending cycle. So far, nobody has gotten back to me and I've failed to be shortlisted in the USM job offer. *sigh* Ok, truthfully, I'm not liking the idea of leaving the boys and having to learn to navigate office politics at my age* heh. When hubby got me this broadband connection, I was eager, even foolishly looking forward to managing my own VA (Virtual Assistant) business. What I found after digging here and there showed me that there's more to being a VA than just having internet connection and some basic management knowledge. I've also advertised my translation, proofreading, editing, composing 'venture' on my Facebook but it has been slow, non-existent even.

I really wish I could join in the WAHM sisterhood and choose to care for my children myself while managing my OWN business. My initiative is to take a part-time English for business course with USM, to start next month, so that I'll have credibility. Other than that, I'll start looking for online secretarial classes, if there are any, so that I can pursue the VA angle. I've also found some local WAHM bloggers who are very vocal about their choice to work at home rather than join the rat race. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two from them.

I'm going to build a new ANIS persona. I'm going to change myself for the better, for the boys' sake as well as my own. INSYA ALLAH.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Fabric covered cakeboard

Hi there,

This is my attempt to be crafty and to fulfill my heart's voice, telling me to find the 'artist' in me again. I used to love doing crafts; I love origami, I love constructing things from stuff, if I remember correctly I used to draw quite well too. So, this afternoon, I spent 1 hour constructing a 3-piece-would-be-bedroom-wall-decoration. Check it out!

These were the bottom part or platter or I don't know what they are called but you know, right? Your cake comes on top of these board thingies. I got 2 from Shahrin's cake and cupcakes (for his birthday back in August) and the other one from my sister. The original design from Cheryl over at Tidy Mom calls for canvases but I don't know where to get them plus I thought reusing these boards would be better for my budget, because they're free, well sort of hehe.

These are T-shirts. We used to sell 2nd hand clothes and these were 2 T-shirts I found in our left over stash of bundles. The one on the left has flower prints on it and kind of wavy bumps on it. The one on the right has white flowers and monograms on it.


And TADAAA!!!!

Ok, please ignore the polystyrene box they are resting on because I don't have anything to nail these babies on the wall yet. But they are going to be featured in our bedroom. I'm seriously thinking of changing the white flowers into red flowers for the center piece. Just to create a diversion, because they look too harmonious.
What do you think?

Monday, November 1, 2010

Blogger's block?

I've been meaning to post my latest attempt at breaking free of the 'old me'.
I wanted to make a craft project using items/trash I have available.
But it would require picture taking (the before and after), cutting, gluing/stapling (whichever is the easiest) and the whole shebang. You know, like all the other craft-ers/DIY-ers are doing, with tutorials and stuff.

BUT.

I have done quite a bit of soul searching these past months. I find that I am always contradicting myself at one point or another. Right now, I'm not sure which voice is the loudest, my heart or my brain. And in between them both, there's the sound of my mother in the background, doing what she's good at, pushing me towards something I'm not sure I'd want.

I feel the need to break away from blogging for a while to sort these voices out.
Maybe I'll DO that craft post tomorrow, just to satisfy the voice of my heart.
Watch this space, people.