Monday, January 31, 2011

Wrapping up January 2011

Tomorrow would be the start of a new month.

Pheww..time sure flies by fast when you're not paying attention.
I guess, when you have loads to do, places to go and people to meet, you would lost track of time.
Thankfully, I have been able to achieve quite a lot in this month.

1- I registered for a writing class for one semester.
2- Submitted a 6-pages 'company profile' report for my writing class.
The report amounts to 10% of my overall marks.
3- Been able to find my groove in the kitchen back.
I haven't cook in a very long time but now that I have started cooking again, I'm loving it!
4- Started getting more translation work, plus a few proofreading and editing projects. I'm glad I took that writing class, because it has allowed me to reconnect with friends at uni and get lots more potential 'clients'.
5- Managed to fatten up my savings account some.
I recently heard that unemployed individuals can apply for their own EPF account.
I think I'm going to look into it soon, this way I can feel a whole lot better about my old days, knowing that I do have a retirement plan in place.

Well, that's about it for January. I can't wait to see what February is going to bring.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Finding my writing niche.

When I was reading & 'rating' for Readbud (liars!!! they promised me that I can redeem my 'pay' only after it reaches $50, which turned out to be bogus, since it bounced back to $40 immediately after I 'rated' my final article that qualified me to redeem!), I read a lot of articles regarding 'blogging niche' and what you an achieve with it.

If you are an affiliate for a certain company, then your niche should revolve around their products or something similar. Or if you want to succeed in AdSense, that's what you should focus on too, a niche, kind of your specialty.

I think, my niche would be about me, me & more ME. Heheh.

Really! Honest.

Because, I started blogging after I read Tertia's blog on infertility and how she overcome all obstacles to FINALLY, have twins; a boy and a girl. Plus, Cecily's blog, which was also about infertility and her struggle with loss; she lost her twin boys after having to make the toughest decision between her life and theirs. She had preeclampsia and was forced to abort the boys, in order to save her life.

Their blogs were about their life and how they cope with everything. They were both unpretentious, to the point and quite open about their feelings.

This is what I want my blog to be. A space where I can write down my concerns, my fears, my hopes and dreams, including my disappointments, my mistakes and my success. I'm sure you wouldn't consider this a 'niche', I'm pretty sure of it, because blogs like mine are usually labeled as 'personal blog'. And not many people would gravitate to such blogs, right?

Well, in my defense, I am sticking with this type of niche because 'my life' is what my specialty is. I can't write about something I don't know, so why not write about things that I do know.

Maybe I need to jazz up this blog a bit more. You know, to attract more readers?

Buhuhu..

As I was typing away on the lappy last night (around 11-ish), Nazrin woke up and wanted to nurse. I went into our bedroom with the intention of nursing Nazrin & coming back out to continue my work right after he'd gone back to sleep.

I remember hearing Shahrin calling me.
I see him standing there at the bedroom door, saying, "Ibu, nak susu.." (Mom, want my bottle..).
I heard him say, "Shahrin tunggu ni.." (I'm waiting..).
I heard Ahmad say, "Satgi tutup TV, naa?" (Turn off the TV after this, ok?)
I feel Ahmad curling up next to me.

I woke up.

It was already 4.45am!!! And I left Shahrin outside, all alone!

OMG!!!

It wasn't a dream, he was calling out to me, asking for his bottle. He always does that whenever he feels sleepy. It's kind of a substitute for a binky/blankey/other stuff children have as their 'bedtime partner'.

I'd fallen asleep while nursing Nazrin and Shahrin WAS at our bedroom door, telling me he's waiting for his bottle, poor thing. *tearing up* I let my son waited outside, all alone, for his bottle, while I slept! Buhuhu..

I don't know when Ahmad came home but he must have made Shahrin's formula for him because I found his bottle next to him just now. The TV was blaring, the fan was on and Shahrin was fast asleep on the couch. All alone.

And I thought I was dreaming....

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Tasks of today.

Morning:
- take out last night's washed cycle
- put today's laundry into the washer
- hang washed clothes to dry
- get the boys to take a bath, without any mishaps
- go to the store and buy ingredients for fried vermicelli
- cook the vermicelli & feed Nazrin (Shahrin couldn't be bothered with eating)
- wash the dishes, tidy up the house & make the bed
- head out to step-MIL's house

This list could have been completed very early in the morning since the 3 of us woke up early.
BUT.
As all mothers know, trying to complete your task with a toddler underfoot, can be quite a challenge indeed. Plus the older brother is constantly calling out to you, wanting you to play with him, RIGHT NOW!!! & come look at my jet RIGHT Now!! & I want my bottle NOOOWWW!!!

*sigh*

Anyway, I managed to complete the list without any major trauma, to all parties involved.

So, on to the next list.

Evening:
- tidy up the house (constantly, every day, every hour, who knew 2 boys could cause so much mess)
- sweep the floor
- fold yesterday's laundry & put them away before Nazrin can undo all my hard work
- find the time to proofread Jus's draft manuscript to be submitted to Elsevier.

Hopefully, this list too can be completed in time. No rush though. Heheh. Right.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Inferiority complex issues: Revisited

Last Wednesday, after my writing class was over, I went to visit Kak Min and some other friends who were still at Chemical Engineering. Kak Min and I then went to the cafe for a late lunch and got talking about our 'joblessness'. She expressed her own concerns about bagging a position in any institution after completing her PhD, due to her previous low-grade PNGK (marks for undergrad). My PNGK was quite low to and I told her maybe that's why I haven't receive any job interviews.

Anyway, after we were done exchanging interview stories, we switched to other job options that we could pursue. Each of us said our piece and then we'd both shoot down the idea, based on what we like and don't like. This went on for quite a while till I said, "We are limiting ourselves too much." <-- this sounded better in Malay,
diri menghalang diri sendiri.

I realize now that this attitude is what actually wrong with me. I keep limiting myself, holding myself back, from grabbing any opportunity that comes my way. For me to change, I HAVE to change this attitude.

So, when I read back this post, I decided that I should have written it this way:

i) Recipe? What recipe? I don't even
cook, so how am I suppose to write a post on recipe?
i) Recipe? Well, my mum does have quite a lot of scrumptious recipes I could write about. Especially, my late grandma's 'kampung' (village) type of food; kerabu ulam (vegetable salad), pucuk gajus cicah dengan air asam (cashew shoots with tamarind vinaigrette) and my favorite, ikan pekasam (fermented fish).

ii) Housekeeping tips? Hmm, all I ever care about while living here (MIL's house) is to keep things as tidy as humanly possible, with these 2 trouble-makers always making a mess and breaking everything. Half of the time, I'd basically follow them around the house, making sure they don't break anything else.
ii) Housekeeping tips? I do know a bit about that, though not much. I could try asking my mother, she's got loads of tips to pass on to me, like how to clean stained white clothe using Clorox and how to save on cleaning products.

iii) Blogging tutorials? I know *I* am the last person to be doing this. My blog is still very new & I think I am the one needing to read up more blogging tutes. :p
iii) Blogging tutorials? Well, this one, I might have to work hard on because I really don't know anything good to make a tutorial about. :p

iv)Beauty tips? Well, this one is a no-go too, just because I don't even wear make-up.
iv) Beauty tips? Atan might know a thing or two about make-up. I could ask her.

v) Short story/ novel? Now you're talking. girl! This is exactly up my alley. Haha! Ha! Ha!?
Not. What am I supposed to write about? Love stories? Funny ones? Mystery?
v) Short story/novel? Now you're talking. girl! This is exactly up my alley. Really, truly, I can make this work. A friend even gave me a suggestion about approaching publishers and asking about part-time writing with them. I haven't look into it yet, but I will do it!

My current situation is no longer about whether I can do this or not, it has now come to the stage where I HAVE TO and I NEED TO make it work! I'm already on the right track with my translation/proofreading/editing services, got a few potential 'customers' on board, so I just need to keep better track of who and when each project would be due.

Well, I feel better already. Thanks everyone!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Look out people! It's the A-HA! moments!

Just this evening, I had 2 such moments.

Moment 1:
As usual, the boys were fighting over toys and Nazrin was knocked over by Shahrin. I tried to break them up but both were stubborn. I tried to reason with them but as always, neither paid me any attention, till I snapped. I couldn't believe I had to resort to such outburst. My parents never raise their voice with us, except for my father who used the cane as punishments (no, not in an abusive way at all!!). I truly believe we all deserved the canings since we were quite naughty as children, heh.

Anyway, after the outburst, I realized that I have to store away my wish for a daughter. I couldn't even handle 2 boys, so how in the world can I look after 3? That's not even counting Ahmad, who at times is the biggest 'baby' in this house. Maybe after both boys are in their teens, then I can dream again.

Moment 2:
Ahmad came home with a bag full of fish he'd caught. It was already Maghrib time & I haven't prayed. He wanted me to clean & fry the smaller fishes for dinner. But I was in a rush to finish up my class assignment due tomorrow (I know, I know, what am I still doing here then, right? hehe I'll get back to it once I'm done here) and didn't want to go through all the trouble of cooking an elaborate dinner.

So, I suggested to him that we have omelet instead, to which he said yes, with one condition; I HAVE to cook the fish for lunch tomorrow. Then, after I finished praying and we had our simple dinner, I sat at the table to begin my work. Nazrin had other ideas; he wanted to nurse and go to sleep. As I lay next to him while he nurse, I realized something else, one of the reason why I am so skeptical about job-hunting is because I don't think I can juggle both worlds; home and office. Even as a stay-at-home-mom, I always feel overwhelmed by everything, especially the part of looking after the boys.

Paradigm shift.

I've been looking at things in a wrong prospective.

I've spent most of my time thinking about me, me and more about ME.
I reminisce on my 'glory' days; winning competitions, going places, having the world in my hands.
I wrote about my carefree days here and here.
However, those days are over & I'm not sure how I lost them.

But I forget one thing; for things to change and I have to change too.


Sunday, January 23, 2011

Inferiority complex issues.

My ex-roommate Zarin has been generous with her suggestions regarding my change of ads provider in my last post and how to attract more visitors to my blog.

As I read through her comments, here are my thought-process:

i) Recipe? What recipe? I don't even cook, so how am I suppose to write a post on recipe?

ii) Housekeeping tips? Hmm, all I ever care about while living here (MIL's house) is to keep things as tidy as humanly possible, with these 2 trouble-makers always making a mess and breaking everything. Half of the time, I'd basically follow them around the house, making sure they don't break anything else.

iii) Blogging tutorials? I know *I* am the last person to be doing this. My blog is still very new & I think I am the one needing to read up more blogging tutes. :p

iv)Beauty tips? Well, this one is a no-go too, just because I don't even wear make-up.

v) Short story/ novel? Now you're talking. girl! This is exactly up my alley. Haha! Ha! Ha!?
Not. What am I supposed to write about? Love stories? Funny ones? Mystery?

Ughh..

No offense Zarin, all of your suggestions are very superb. I truly appreciate your concern and your great comments. It's just that *I* myself need a major revamp and I am still in the process of identifying my flaws and weaknesses. Right now, all I can feel is disappointment.

I know. I know. Don't cry over spilled milk.
I'll just grab a dishtowel and dry it up.
Hang around for more updates, people. :D

Going Nuffnang.

I got sick of waiting for my ManggaAds to be more profitable.
I see a lot of bloggers using the Nuffnang ads, posting about Buffered Earnings and how much they've earned from it.

Consider me sold on this one!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Here we go again.

AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*%#^&$&*(*%(O^&) $@#&%(%$@$@#$%^&*_)(*&^@#$%^&*^%$#@#$%^&

Huuuu....

okey..

Hubby has SUDDENLY (AGAIN!!) decided to quit!
Just as I thought our financial problems are finally over!

He recovered from his anger over my haircut to drop THIS on me??!!

That is soooooooooo CRAAAPPP!!!

What are we supposed to do now?

STUPID MAN!!!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sign language for babies.

A friend and I were chatting on FB one day about sign language for babies. She was surfing the Net for websites about teaching babies how to sign. She failed her first attempt to teach her 1st-born how to sign and wanted to do better with the 2nd.

Then, I remembered my own signing experience with Shahrin. It wasn't really a conscious effort at signing but more of a desperate attempt at understanding each other. He was a very fussy baby, plus his preemie-related conditions made things even worse, including the fact that he IS my first baby.

Shahrin was a picky eater as a baby and he still is. His main course would be milk and dessert would be biscuits. I tried every recipe I could find for infants who are undernourished BUT constipated (can you believe it? he doesn't eat, yet he couldn't poop properly), even bought the expensive Heinz baby food products for him. Thankfully, he's learning to eat better these days, though milk is still his staple food source.

Anyway, while he was growing up, he cried a lot (actually, he still does) and I usually don't know what was the problem or how to sooth him. Day by day, I'd try to communicate with him in anyway I can; talking to him, showing him things that I think he wants but doesn't know how to ask, and using the simplest hand movements to indicate something. The most memorable one is the hand-shake where I'd ask Shahrin if he wanted his bottle by shaking my hand up and down, like when you shake the bottle to mix the liquid with the powder. This one became a success because overtime, he began to do the hand-shake whenever he wanted his bottle. No more crying on his part and head scratching on my part. The pat-whatever sign is another life saver. If he's sleepy, he would pat the pillow, if he wants to play with something, he'd pat on it. Things got even better when he could talk, thank goodness.

Nazrin is a whole lot easier to handle, maybe because he doesn't have any complications. He also has the advantage of having a big brother to show him the ropes. We didn't need any signs to communicate with Nazrin, though we still have communication break-downs once in a while. Mostly it happens when I don't pay attention to his needs, so he'd throw a tantrum and it would take a while before I could calm him down, in order to figure out what he wanted in the first place. These days, he is using more and more understandable words plus the gibberish babies always use while playing by themselves. I'm looking forward to the day Nazrin would use a whole sentence when he talks.

It would be funny, if only...

I can stop feeling so sad about it.

*sigh*

It's almost insanely stupid, to be feeling this way over something so trivial.
But then again, Ahmad is just being Ahmad.

Yesterday, after my writing class was over, and since I don't have 2 small human-tornado tagging along and causing trouble, I decided to stop by a hair salon for a long-overdue haircut.

A step back in time:
When we were little, all 4 of us sisters can never have long hair. The minute our hair grew past our ears or just touching our shoulders, our father would be waiting with a pair of scissors, ready to chop it all off. I remember having a 'do that I called 'The Temenggong Jugah's cut'. He was a hero in Sarawak, if my history lessons serve me right.

See this picture?
On the left is Malaysia's very first Prime Minister, Tunku Abdul Rahman and that's Temenggung Jugah on the right. Can you see the bang covering his forehead? That's exactly how my father cut my hair one time, except that I had slightly more hair covering the back of my head. This haircut is a signature 'do among the Iban people. Well, that 'do was perfect for him, nevertheless, it was just not suitable for me, you know? Heheh.

Anyway, I was very accustomed with having short hair, plus I hate having hair in my face. However, hubby has shown quite an irrational dislike for my short hair. Even before we got married, he'd get mad at me if I told him I'd had a haircut. The shortest I can go is below my ear-line, and even that is pushing the limit.

Before yesterday, my hair has grown past my shoulder, almost halfway down my back, the longest I've ever had. Believe me, if I had my way (like I did yesterday, heh) it wouldn't have grown that long. I hate having to tie it up with a scrunchy, I hate how it gets oily in just one day, I hate the way it gets in my view if I let it down AND I especially hate it when my boys pull on it. Usually, I'd casually ask Ahmad if I could have it cut and this process normally takes a few more such can-I-cut-my-hair? kind of conversations before he would give up and cut it himself. Just a basic trim where he'd take a handful of hair and just give it a cut, nothing fancy.

But the last few months, he'd been extra busy and hasn't have the time to cut my hair. I've requested a haircut since, like forever, till yesterday. Though I was apprehensive while sitting in that chair, watching the hairdresser hack through my hair, I did have a huge smile on my face.
So, last night, he got back late after delivering his trailer back to the office. I was already asleep by then and didn't even get up to greet him. I heard him moving around the room, took a bath and kissed his boys before coming to hug me. And then, I felt him tug my short hair and his very 'angry' voice saying, "Did you cut you hair?!". I opened my eyes and smiled at him and said, "Yes, after my class was finished.". I can see that he was very upset but at that moment, Nazrin woke up, wanting to nurse so I turned on my side to face Nazrin. Ahmad then laid down beside me and I kind of went back to sleep after that.

This morning, when I woke up at 6.45am for Subuh prayer, I found Ahmad curled up on the couch in the living room. Apparently, he got so upset over my haircut, he'd rather sleep on the couch instead of sleeping next to me. T___T

Well, what's done is done. Maybe this time, I finally learned my lesson and
NOT have a haircut without his permission.
But I hate having to sweep all those fallen hair of the floor or on the pillow or in our clothes. Huhuhu




Tuesday, January 18, 2011

And the cycle begins again...

I'm starting to feel the blues, AGAIN..

Seems like it hits every month, though I haven't figure out the timing yet.

The symptoms are about the same each time, I'd get lazy, I get sad, moody, depress, bla bla bla.. Sometimes, I'd start a chore but halfway through, I'd stop. I see clutter and feel the urgent need to tidy up but then, just as quickly, I'd go blaghh..that clutter will always be there, so why bother?
*sigh*

At least, next month I can blame all of the icky feeling on PMS! Yay! Hahaha..

Monday, January 17, 2011

Update on the boys.

I've just checked my posts on my dashboard & found out that I've been slacking, a lot. I'd start a post and then forget to finish it, I've got 3 'hanging' posts so far.

Nazrin has gone to sleep, so I can finish up an update on the boys tonight.
I used to do a monthly update on Shahrin when he was younger (back when I was still doing my MSc and had free internet access, on another blog) and I haven't been as diligent with Nazrin's. I guess a first-born provides unique experiences that a second-born cannot provide, heh.

So, firstly, Shahrin's development:
1- He'll be 5 years old in August but his physical development is that of a 3-4 years old. He's the 'smallest' in his age-group at his pre-school. A girl, Ain, who is in his group, can easily lift him up, as if he weighs nothing at all. Another girl, who is only 3years, going on 4, a new student there, is bigger than him. Heh.

2- Fortunately, during his Doctor's appointments at the Pediatrics Clinic, they were pleased that his mental development is within his age-group. What I'm most proud of is that he can converse in English quite well, just by watching TV! Whenever I take them out and I talk to Shahrin in English, we'd get mixed reactions; most people would express pleasure that he could speak English while some would 'indirectly' be all sarcastic or cynical, like I've committed high treason for not speaking my mother-tongue. But I give those people no mind at all, because quite frankly, it's non of their d#*n business how I talk to my sons!

3- He can be very stubborn sometimes. He'd cry my ears out if he doesn't get what he wants right when he wants it, which most of the times are when I am busy doing something else. Plus he is very possessive when it comes to his toys, around his brother that is. Nazrin can never have his toys because they're his! No matter how much I explained to him about sharing, he never listens to me. What's more annoying is that he is willing to share his toys with friends, but not his little brother. I had to break up so many fights over toys, that I really,really feel like throwing everything away, just to stop their fights. *sigh*

Now, Nazrin's development:
1- He has grown very vocal and quite the chatter-box. He has mastered more words and short sentences that we use a lot around the house. He can tell me if he wants a drink or snacks or take a bath or go for a walk. He'd come and pull my hand if I don't get him what he wants quickly enough (sound familiar? :D) Nazrin is a tad too hyper-active for my taste, unlike his brother who prefers to play and watch TV. If I leave Nazrin alone, in 5 minutes, he'd turn the bedroom into a huge mess; clothes on the floor, magazines here and there and dirty laundry all mixed up with the clean ones. It's like a mini-tornado has gone through the room. He climbs the furniture, he rides on Shahrin's big bicycle, you should see him go, what with his feet not yet long enough to paddle properly but just barely touching the footplate, so he alternately step on each footplate and slowly paddles, I am so proud of him heh.

2- He eats whatever food I gave him, but he too is under-weight. *sigh* At 20months old, he weighs a mere 7.6kg. I've tried every cooking trick the nutritionist gave me; adding more vegetable oil into his soup, buttering his bread, mixing full-cream milk into his scrambled eggs, etc etc. However, cooking for him makes it all worth while since he WANTS to eat the food, unlike his brother, who would turn down any offer. I cook more these days because of Nazrin, though not often enough heh.

Well, that's about all for now. I'll update more when the muse strikes. Stick around OK.

Friday, January 14, 2011

A blessing in disguise.

So, yesterday was my second day of class and we had to do a PowerPoint presentation.
The presentation was just a simple one and it went well. Though I felt silly standing in front of my younger 'classmates', because a) I'm waayyy older than them and b) my spoken English has gotten very, very rusty from lack of use, while the other students spoke like they were born with it. Nevertheless, I did enjoy the class.

Later on, I get to meet some of my friends who are still at USM, doing their research for their MSc and PhD. Quite a few of them were thrilled to learn that I offer translating, editing, proofreading and composing services. They complained that most journal publishers will turn down a journal submission if the written English is not up to par.

I still remember MY own thesis drafts that I gave to my supervisor. The paragraphs and in between the spacings were so full of red-inked corrections, marked by my SV, my drafts looked like they were printed in red ink rather than black, heh.

Anyway, a friend there told me that one MSc student from Indonesia would like to ask me to edit/proofread his journal draft. His SV, my ex-lecturer was having trouble understanding his findings because of the language barrier (his English was rusty too, the student, not the lecturer), though his results were very good. Seems like most of my friends who are doing their MSc/PhD at the engineering campus were experiencing the same problem. They told me that if they had known sooner that I offer such services, they would've asked for my help earlier.

I did offer this kind of service while I was doing my MSc, 3 years ago. But back then, it was more of doing a friend a favor rather than a service-business. Plus I could only help go through their theses if I have the time. Looks like I already have the practice I need to really make this little service a success.

It seems like my attending the business writing class has open up the door towards 'expanding' my little business empire.<-- wishful thinking on my part :p

Okey then people, I need to proofread/edit my new assignment, or I will not get paid.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

First day back to school!

Today is my first day back to school.

It was a 2 hours class and we already have a Powerpoint presentation for tomorrow.
Our lecturer asked all of us to present our Corporate Profile, for the company we have 'set up'.
It will be our 1st part of the required coursework (40%) for this class. The report has to be ready by the 5th week, so tomorrow's presentation is just as an overview of the report that we would need to hand in.

I'm with 2 other girls in that class, while the other boys grouped up amongst themselves. I am the only Malay there, while there were 2 Indians and 6 Chinese. Plus, they were ALL, waaayyyy younger than me. Huhu.

The Indian girl took the lead for our brainstorming session, in preparation for tomorrow's presentation. I like her way of thinking & truly grateful that she did so. I had no ideas to offer at all, plus I feel very outdated in the company of these 'younger' generation. (',')

Tomorrow will be a great day, I hope.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Blurry.

I know that when I blog, I'd have to say something insightful, for this blog to be meaningful and of use to my 'readers' (are there?huhu)

But right now, all I want to do is just let off steam. Have been feeling very, very awkward these past few days.

1. Mainly because hubby's mom came back here & have been busy pruning and taking care of her little garden. I haven't even cared nor do I have the time to mess around outside the house, when I couldn't even take care of the inside. This is another reason why I am DESPERATE to get out of here. Most of the time, whenever she comes back here, she'd go about doing her work & I would leave her to do them by herself. I learned not to offer her any help because she'd always decline, and so, like the good Pavlovian subject, I don't offer to help anymore because I know she wouldn't want any. Thus the awkward feeling.

2. Hubby's step-mom was admitted in to the hospital this morning & I didn't even know about it till 4pm. And we live the closest, amongst hubby's siblings, to his parents. They didn't call us to let us know, but their other children who live in Kajang, knows about it earlier than us. See how this too is another awkward situation for me?

Friday, January 7, 2011

To forgive is divine?

I don't understand this saying; You can forgive but you can't forget.

How can you say you have forgiven somebody if you haven't forgotten their transgression? I really can't comprehend how such thing can happen.

Well, truthfully, I have not forgiven TB nor have I forgotten what happened.
I still H.A.T.E. TB with every fiber of my being.
Yeah, I know, anger and hate are such draining emotions, nothing good ever come from fueling these two feelings.

BUT.

I don't want to forget. I still remember what happened 2 years ago as if it happened yesterday.

Oh yeah..I am vindictive and hateful. Surprised?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ahmad The Silent One


I think one of the reason I fell in love with him is because he is such a patient man.

For the whole 2 years our relationship was opposed by my parents, he never gave up on us. Though I honestly don't know what he sees in me, I am thankful to GOD for pushing him into my life. Even after I repeatedly told him, I HAVE to break up with him (we broke up 3 times!), by my mother's decree, he just kept calling and SMSing and tried to keep our relationship strong.

I know, our journey as a couple was never a bed of roses, neither has our journey as husband and wife been any more romantic or movie-like (you know, hardship in the beginning but happily ever after in the end). *I* still have issues with him, mainly financial ones, but today, my love for him has been given a high dose of fertilizer (for the want of a better word, heh).

He has always been a quite man, we never talked much, even while dating, I guess I never needed him to. Just having him by my side is enough, most of the time. To me, his aura is strong but silent, fitting for such a gentle father. I like to think of him like Ethan Quinn in Inner Harbor by Nora Roberts.

At 4.20am today, I drove him to where he parked his trailer because he has to be on his way to Ipoh to deliver some building materials. The battery was dead and he tried to fix it on his own but an hour later, he still couldn't start his trailer. As I watched him trying to fix the trailer, I had to admire his patience, never once did he swore or curse or bang the stupid battery out of frustration (I know I would heh). He went about tweeking this and that in an orderly fashion, giving up only after I suggested that he call a mechanic to help him. I know I've dissed him plenty in my rants but today, I know I have fallen for my Ahmad, all over again.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Mixed feelings..

On Monday, I finally got to meet my LHP 452: English for Business Writing lecturer. I think I was in her class for LKI 441 class back in Tronoh, but I can't be sure. I'm terrible with names and faces. If I ever was a witness for any crime, and have to describe the culprit to the police, I would've failed, miserably, heh. But I digress, sorry.

Actually, this post has been 3 days in the making; first wrote about it Monday night but got side-tracked by my sons, tried again yesterday, and failed again, so I'm really trying hard to finish it today, though there's always an emergency every 5 minutes or so, with the boys running around, fighting over toys and other stuff.

Anyway, on Sunday night, as I was getting our stuff ready for Monday morning; ironing my baju kurung and Shahrin's Taska uniform (it was his 1st day back to school after the long holiday), putting the boys' change of clothes in their respective bags (I've arranged to leave Nazrin with a babysitter while I was at USM) and my own stuff into my bag, Hubby suddenly spoke up.

"Are you really going to attend that class?" in his usual 'uninterested but just asking' tone.
"Yup, I've already paid the tuition fees & tomorrow I'm meeting the lecturer to discuss the schedule."

Then, because I'm such a good wife, and after being married to him for over 5 years now, I know that my going back to school bothers him some. Plus, the way he asked about it, hinted his 'discomfort'?, his 'doubt'?* with my plan. So, I tried to talk to him about it. As usual, he'd either deny that anything is bothering him or he'd just shrug it off, as if talking about the topic is too much work for him. *sigh*

This attitude of him is really the only one I actually hate, because by not wanting to talk things through with me, he makes me feel unimportant. As if nothing I say means anything to him or things that matters to me is none of his concern. That night, when I asked him if he doesn't want me to attend that class, he only said, "Just go, since you really want to."

How do YOU interpret that sentence? Am I suppose to 'not go' because he clearly seems like he doesn't want me to? Or am I suppose to ignore what he wants, which I'm clearly doing now anyway, heh.

So, today, my lecturer called to inform me of my class schedule. Our first class will start next week, on Wednesday, from 1 - 3pm and the 2nd class will be on Thursday, from 1 - 2pm. This timetable suits me quite well, thank goodness, because I can pick up Shahrin from his pre-school at 12.30pm and then, head straight to Nazrin's babysitter's house to drop both of them off. I'll pick them up after I finish my class on my way back.

Though my lecturer said I could opt not to attend class, since she'll mostly teach us how to write quality business letters/proposals/memos and she could just give me her copy of teaching materials, I told her that attending class would be good for my mental state. I've been dormant for so long now, going to class could very well jog my brain up a couple of notches.

Maybe this class will be my ticket to a better me!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Starting the new year with a bang, much?

I wrote about this before here, but it's at the very end of the post, as an afterthought actually. So, go ahead, go read the p/s, I'll wait here for you. :p

So, have you read it?

Okay, here's the big news.

Last night, just as I was falling asleep, I felt some pain in my lower abdomen. Even after 3 years and 4 months of absence, I immediately knew what that pain was. I thought to myself, "It's baacckkk.." and fell asleep.

This morning, right after I open my eyes, I felt the terrible urge to pee. So, I rushed to the toilet and discovered that I was right, Miss P is baaacckkkkk...

Fheww...I was really getting worried that 'she' might never come back. Though I don't miss her, I do miss the good thing she brings, and I'm ready for it. :D

I've been feeling the way I felt before we got Nazrin for quite some time now. Love looking at pregnant women and envying them, love looking at babies (though that's nothing new, everybody love babies, right?), love thinking about cute, tiny baby things; ruffles, bows, ribbons, tiny skirts. *sigh* Get the hint? :D

Now I can actually blame my crappy moods on something and get away with it, because, you know, it's HORMONE, dude! Not my fault, right? Ahhahahaa..

Crazy..I know, but I'm embracing it..hahahahahah