One word to describe 2010?

I got the inspiration after reading Cecily's blog at Uppercase Woman.

I think my word would be FREEDOM.

At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were busy going from one night market to another for our bundle business. We'd be spending most of our time outside the house, which was a blessing in disguise for me, at least. But it was a tiring life, especially after we have Nazrin. Then, hubby decided to quite the business and go back to his old job, driving trailers.

So, we traded in our van for a used-car and that was my 2nd freedom. Being able to drive myself anywhere (with hubby's permission, off course) without having to wait/depend on him is quite liberating. I could even visit my sisters in KL this year, which was unthinkable last year, since hubby doesn't really want to take to much time away from the business. This year alone, I've driven back home to Alor Star, went shopping with the boys, and most recently, went to The Lost World Tambun, and spent 2 days with my sister & her family. I feel like I'm in touch with my family again. *sigh*

My 3rd freedom is when Shahrin is of to TASKA for 4 hours, 5 days a week. Don't judge, ok? I love my son but a few hours away from him is very, VERY good for my mental status, ok. Plus, I get to spend that time bonding with Nazrin and have some ME time. Heheh. During this school holiday, all Shahrin ever do is watch cartoon all day and pick fights with me and his brother. I've lost count of the number of time I have to be referee, judge, police and the person to snuggle with, whenever the boys get into fights over toys, TV/Astro remote (typically boys!) and *me*. I'm looking forward to Monday, next week, when his pre-school starts as usual. At least, he'll get to develop better social skills and learn something new everyday.

My broadband connection would be my 4th freedom. I am L.O.V.I.N.G. my internet connection! and I don't care that I have to spend RM68 every month for it. Since getting connected (I used to have to go to Cyber Cafes if I need to go online), I'm almost always on Facebook, looking up friends and family members, I've maintained this blog, though not as often as I'd like, I've been getting translation jobs and feeling less disconnected. A small price to pay for being able to stay in touch with everybody.

What's that?

What's my 1st freedom?

Well, it's for me to know and for you to wonder. Sorry, this is to protect 'my' privacy, though, maybe it's pointless since I know there are possibilities of certain individuals figuring out what it is anyway.

So, I'm really looking forward to 2011. Hopefully, it will be a greater year than this one, with me learning more about myself. By the way, I've registered for the English for Business Writing class at USM and on Monday, I'll either get my class schedule or have to re-register for the class at main campus. They've informed me that during registration, only 4 students have registered so far and they need at least 6 students to start a class. I already have a babysitter for Nazrin, for the days when I do have classes to attend, while Shahrin will be at his pre-school, so, I think I'm set on that matter.

I'm keeping fingers and toes cross for the class to be offered this semester. I think I miss being in a class, with similar minded people and going places, without babies on either hand. :p

BRING IT ON 2011!!!

A warning? A reminder? what? what?

Last night hubby took us shopping at Tesco. The shopping event itself was pretty normal, if you count cranky, sleepy, snotty 1.5 years old as a normal part of your everyday life, heheh.

Anyway, we were nearly finished with our grocery shopping when Nazrin really acted up, since by that time, it was waaayyy past his bedtime. So, as we head towards the check-out counter, I told hubby to wait for me at our car because I have to nurse Nazrin before he really blows a gasket.

Left hubby and Shahrin at the counter to pay up and I headed towards the musolla for a bit of privacy while I nurse Nazrin.

There was a lady there, just finishing her Isya' prayer. I didn't pay her any attention at all because I have a major containment issue at hand, hint: Nazrin. But as Nazrin was finally happy nursing, I noticed that the lady was staring at us, with a dreamy, faraway look on her face. I smiled and said, "He couldn't wait till we finished shopping, had to make a quick stop here before heading home."

To which she said, "He looks so cute, I was just thinking about my littlest one."
.
.
.
And promptly burst out crying!
.
.
I was like, was it something I said??

Turned out, that lady was going through a rough divorce. She have 3 children of her own but her ex-husband wanted to keep them all. Since she didn't have the money to hire a divorce attorney, she couldn't fight him for them. That wasn't all, her husband divorced her because he has finally found his true-love and wanted to marry her (who was in her teens by the way). The lady I was talking to was his mother's choice, so, they were literally an arranged-marriage couple.

She said he didn't even feel guilty about leaving her, childless and a divorcee too, just because he found someone else. And they have been married for quite a long time. As a mother and a wife, I feel for her. It seems unfair for her to be dealing with 2 major heartbreaks at once. I think, being divorced is hard enough, but to be separated from all her children? No wonder she burst out after watching me nurse Nazrin.

Our conversation didn't last long though. She managed to compose herself and tried to lighten the mood by telling me her plans of opening her own restaurant. She's been working at the food court for 2 years and has learned enough to try and make it on her own. Then, we parted ways, she headed towards her and Nazrin and I went to the parking lots.

As I walked towards our car and saw hubby waiting for us inside, I felt tears stinging my eyes. I remembered my own heartbreak when my parents were against our relationship at first. At that time, I thought being told by my parents that he can never be my husband was painful enough. I was wrong. After becoming his wife, there are other possible heartbreaks that could happen to me. Marriage in real life is never like Cinderella's story: And they live happily ever after. I pray to GOD that I may never feel the pain of that lady. Though my heart goes to her. May GOD grant her the strength and wisdom to get through her ordeal.

Bummer!

Last night I made plans with an ex-schoolmate on FB, to meet today.
I haven't seen her in a very long time and there was supposed to be another long-lost friend coming too.

We planned to have a mini gathering at the new McD Kulim because she lives in Kulim and I do know how to get there. We agreed to meet around 5pm since the other friend (she'll be flying back to Sarawak soon since she's been posted there as a teacher) who is coming has prior engagement in the afternoon. I was so looking forward to this day.

I had a busy day today, finishing chores as fast as I could, so that the boys and I could start on our journey around 3pm in order to be in Kulim at 5pm. I had everything all planned out.

Alas.

It was not meant to be. I couldn't attend the gathering due to car problem; my car's battery went dead on me. HUHHUUHUUU

Luckily, it happened at a petrol station not far from home or I would've been in BIG trouble.
As we started on our journey around 3.15pm, I noticed that the gas gauge was at half-empty. So, like the responsible driver that I am, I stopped at the nearest petrol station to fill it up. Unfortunately, when I tried to start the car afterward, it wouldn't. I kept trying and trying but it didn't catch.

Called hubby to ask him to call the mechanic, but he sent over his father instead. Well, help is help, so, my FIL switched our car's battery with his, after failing to jump-start it using his jumper cable. Our car is automatic so we couldn't do the push-the-car-while-in-1st-gear-and-start-it technique and his is a manual, so it was logical to switch batteries.

Long story short, my hopes of having a great time with my long lost friends have been denied. *sigh* Hopefully, I can still meet my friend who lives in Kulim one of these days.

Absolute presupposition much?

As the title said, I am in an absolute presupposition rut.

The phrase means a situation or condition or belief that is unquestionably, unarguably TRUE!

Quote: If you are encountering an usually tough situation in life, it is because you believe it to be an absolute presupposition. Unquote. Though I don't remember where I read this. Sorry.

Like the current living situation I'm in now. I have somehow programmed my brain to think that I have no choice but to just suck it up and stay.

I found a house last month, told hubby about it, he didn't say anything about it though. *sigh*
I feel really frustrated with his nonchalant behavior. He knows exactly how I feel about living here but he either say nothing when I talk about moving or he'd say things like,
"I'll ask around, ok?" when I first started talking about moving out, or
"Let's just wait till our financial situation is a bit better" or when I told him about the house I found, "I'll go and check out the house first before I decide, ok?"
which was last week and still he hasn't decide.

URRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Planning for a better year.

I've promised my ex-school buddy to list up the printables for better organizing your life here.
It took so long to make this list because I made the mistake of not noting which folder my downloads went to, since I have 2 drives; a C: and a D: due to a re-formatting situation last year.

Anyways, hopefully, with these printables, I can keep better track of my everyday things to-do, including my personal life.

a- From Tricia, a to-do list with a flowery background. She also has a 'brainstorm your wish' printables which would be a great start when you're making your new year's resolution. Well, she's got tons of other printables available for free, so head on over to her blog and knock yourself out.

b- From Issa, a to-do list that is also great for setting priorities and another style of to-do list with a selection of colours for you to choose. She's got a cute monthly budget planning spreadsheet too, if you're into budgeting, unlike moi heheh. There's plenty of other great ideas that you can get over at her blog, so enjoy!

c- From paperglitter, cute strawberry to-do lists that you can personalize yourself.

These are just some of the printables I found while blog-hopping. The other stuff I downloaded were mostly cute printables from them that don't really apply with listing to-do stuff, hehh. I meant to search for more but I'm feeling sleepy already. Hopefully, the three links I've given can lead you to more links of your own.

Now, if only I have enough moolahs to buy myself a printer, then I could print these fabulous printables for actual use.

The state of my mind, The Sequel

The 'blah' feelings are still not over. These couple of days, one minute, I'd get worked up about something then the next minute, that energy would be gone. Blah!

Just today, I did practically nothing! Got up when the boys kept bugging me about breakfast; Shahrin wanted his formula and Nazrin wanted to nurse and "Andi..Bu..andi" (translation: bath, Ibu (mom) bath), gave them what they wanted then sat down to watch TV with them. After a while, I got up to have my own breakfast, with Nazrin close behind. He's like my shadow, constantly tagging along wherever I go, cute. After finishing breakfast, I left the dishes in the sink and 'tried' to tidy up the living room, which got totally wrecked, again, in 5 minutes. *sigh*

Looked at the laundry basket, thought about dealing with the HUGE pile of dirty clothes in it but then, saw the clean basket of unfolded laundry. *sigh* Decided against doing any washing today, my washing machine could have wept in gratitude, haha. Broke up a potential fight between the boys and had to sit down to referee them, while watching TV, which lasted for hours. By this time, it was already noon, meaning time for lunch, a simple one because I only reheated last night's kenduri dishes (hubby's mother held a small kenduri tahlil for her parents at her other house in Taiping). So, boring everyday stuff happened today. On to my thoughts that I've managed to avoid for a while now.

2. My soon-to-be-days-as-a-student, coming up next week.

My mom's been on my back since like, forever, about finding a job. Previously, she'd been pushing me to get a PhD since I've already have a MSc (which was also her doing, after I spent a year jobless after getting my Bachelors degree). But I was adamant about not getting into it, just finishing MSc was like pulling a tooth with pliers. So, she backed off for a while, then came back with a vengeance, this time with a new twist; job-hunting.

Actually, I kind of blame her for my 'unlucky' job-hunting disaster. During school breaks and semester breaks, she never let me take on a part-time job. School breaks were spent on going from one school activity/competition to another, or studying for PMR and later SPM (I went to a boarding school). During grad school, I mainly spent my days either looking after my oldest sister's babies (I helped care for her 3 older children) or stayed at home.

So, I never have previous working experience, like one of my ex-housemates back in grad school. She spent her breaks working at a factory so she could pay for the next semester. I kind of feel jealous of her, for her freedom and independence. I know I shouldn't blame my mom for my own lacking but I feel like, if she had given me that freedom to work during breaks, at least I could have a better answer for the "PREVIOUS JOBS" section in job-vacancies forms, other than a blank space.

I managed to avoid the PhD issue by suggesting that I take up a part-time class to better dress up my resume. Hence, registration Monday, next week at my old uni but in a different school. My part-time class will be about English for Business, a 40 hours, 12 weeks class. This is my attempt to build up my profile for my translating/proof-reading/editing online venture. Hopefully, this class can give me the boost I need to either start looking seriously at working at home or finding a job that fit my meager skills better.

3. Our own house/home.

This topic is becoming a thorn in my side, a really bothersome issue. *sigh*
I found a house for rent last week but it was a bit pricey. Asked hubby about it but he only said he'd check it out. I don't know whether he'd done so or not because, with him, talking about renting our own house is kind of a 'red switch', with a big "DO NOT TOUCH" sign on it. He knows I hate living here at his mother's house but he's not doing anything to rectify our current situation. If only I'm gutsy enough, I'd just go ahead and rent that house, he can live here alone till the day he dies because I'm taking my sons out of here.

BUT.

I don't have a job. I have no income of my own. My parents offered to pay for rent if I really make it out of this house but they can't support us forever. D*#n! I don't know what to think anymore.

The state of my mind..

It's been a week since I wrote anything here. I've been feeling blank these past weeks, maybe because I've been focusing more on my translating projects and just push other thoughts to the back of my mind.

As of 2 days ago, I'm a free woman again.

And now, the other thoughts are all clamoring to come forth again. *sigh*

1. First and foremost: My son's operation (which was originally scheduled for next week).

This whole month, I was really focused on Shahrin's up-coming operation because it was scheduled to be on 23/12 and I have to register for my part-time English course on 27/12. The doctors at Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah informed me that recovery would take at least 4 days, so I would really be pressed for time if I want to make it back here on the 27th. I've also made plans with my parents for my husband and I during our stay in Alor Setar. I figured that they could also help to care for Nazrin since I know *I* would have to stay with Shahrin during post-op. I practically had next week all planned nicely.

BUT. My husband called me this morning, to tell me that Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah called him, to inform us that the operation has been rescheduled. To March next year. *sigh* I didn't answer their call this morning because I was driving to Hospital Taiping, for my son's appointment (he still has Dr.'s appointments every 4 months as follow-ups since he was a baby) and to get his medical history from H. Taiping, to give to the doctors at H. S. Bahiyah. Now, that letter is on my desk, useless, for now anyway.

Here's an excerpt of that letter:

Patient is under our paeds clinic follow up for growth & development (he's ex-prem @33/52) & failure to thrive (weight & length alpha thalassemia carrier.

Regarding his cervical lymphadenopathy, it was noticed since he was 2 years old; multiple, firm and non tender. Mantoux test is negative, all other blood investigation done showing results relating to alpha-thalassemia, otherwise child is well, active, his mental growth & development also normal and up to age.

These medical problems are the ones monitored by H.Taiping. The operation in H.S.Bahiyah (they have the best pediatric surgeon in the Northern region) would be to correct his hypospadia condition. Read more about it here. Be warned of the graphic though!

This condition is a form of congenital defect, detected after birth. Thankfully, his condition is only a minor one, requiring at least, only 2 corrective surgery, to repair the shaft and the hole. If you look at the picture on that Wikipedia site, that penis has a hole on the side, while my son's penis's hole (the urethra) is at the bottom of the shaft, the third degree kind. Hopefully, that's all the surgery he'll be going through. But actually, he'd already undergone one surgery, for a hypospadia-related condition; an un-descended testis which has been corrected when he was 2 years old. (It was during the month of Ramadhan and it was while caring for him that I noticed that I was pregnant with Nazrin :p)

Although, the surgery doesn't really bother me, it's all the other medical problems. His growth is a private family joke; he's small like his father! but the alpha-thalassemia thing and the lumps on his neck are major issues. Even though, as a carrier, he can lead a normal life and wouldn't have to worry about any blood related illness, the condition itself is worrisome. I, myself, am a carrier, but I didn't know about being one till my father took me to have a full-blood test some 10 years ago. The lumps on his neck are not painful, they're just there; some small, some big, thought to be a sign of TB, hence the mantoux test and 2 X-rays of his chest. Thankfully, the test was -ve and the X-ray showed no consolidation in his chest, so TB was ruled out.

Unfortunately, the doctors don't know why the lumps are there. Thus, the letter to H.S.Bahiyah, I had requested for the surgeons to get a sample of one of Shahrin's lumps for analysis since they'll be operating on him. The doctors at H.Taiping didn't want to do an invasive surgery just to figure out what they were, so, it was kind of 'killing 2 birds with one stone'.

p/s: this post has been 2 days in the making, *sigh* Nazrin has a fever and has been so clingy the past 3 days. I think I'll just post this now and continue later. Chow.

oh joy!

I'm not sure what happened but it seems like today
(actually, it was yesterday, 8th Dec since it's already 12.30am)
is my BLOG's lucky day! YAY!

Firstly, I received an e-mail from ManggaAd about a new partner.
Then, not 2 hours (give or take) later, I receive another e-mail about another partner.
Though I'm not quite sure how the partner-thing works, it feels good to have readers add my blog to their reading list. Thank you! :p

Then, I went blog-hopping and stopped by the Momsbloggerplanet, the one on my side bar, and commented on two posts there. Syigim, the author of the posts I commented and
blogger at How do I Spell the Word replied and visited me.
And she's now one of my followers! Yay!

And three more unknown* readers have also followed me,
so that makes my blog's followers a total of 9!

Ermm, hmm..only 9?
Ah, well, this is a 'young' blog.
And I'm sure with time and patience, plus more interesting posts,
my blog will have more followers. Insya ALLAH.

*Unknown because they only registered their name, and no blog URL.
So, I couldn't follow them back.
To these individuals, please leave a URL so I can follow you back.

Edited to add, after publishing this post,
I discovered that another person has followed this blog! Wow! 10! I have 10! followers.

**other bloggers with hundreds of followers are sure to laugh at my childish joy of having
a mere 10 followers, but still, I heart my followers! Yay!

A passion for languages.

I read somewhere in Oprah.com (here I go again, with Oprah haha) on finding who you really are, that you should stop and think about the things that give you joy, catch your interest or stayed in your mind. These snippets should be able to guide you in choosing/deciding what you are going to be doing with your life.

p/s: I very much would like to link that article here but it's already late & I'm too lazy to go snooping around there for it.

Well, what really stood out for me, in my memories from high school till grad school, were the language classes that I took, voluntarily or not.

In high school, from Form 1 till Form 3, it was compulsory for all students (well, my batch anyway) to study Arabic. My mother had learned it herself so I figured I would really fly through the class. Unfortunately, I had some bad interactions (my faults entirely) with one of the teachers who taught us Arabic and I grew weary of the subject. Luckily, we didn't have to take Arabic in our PMR exam or I would've flunked it. Then, in Form 4, we get to choose an elective subject for SPM and Arabic was one of them. Needless to say, I stirred far away from that subject, much to my mother's disappointment.

Then, during my 2nd year in matriculation, one of the Chinese society clubs offered Mandarin classes for free. One of my friend, a Chinese Sarawakian was going to teach in that class and she asked me if I would like to join her. Since Mandarin was used quite extensively amongst Malaysian Chinese (please correct me if I'm wrong :p) I thought it would be great to learn it. I was really fascinated with the fact that they didn't only teach Mandarin, they also taught us about 'service above self'. This phrase stuck with me because it is the single drive behind everything they do. This particular society club would hold study-groups, one-on-one tutoring, hold charity meetings and other stuffs that really reflects 'service above self'. However, I didn't finish the class because I got stuck when it came to writing Chinese characters. Man, even the slightest little dash, mistakenly placed would lead to chaos in the meaning of the word you are writing. Every stroke has its own place and sequence. You can't just write down the word the way you want. And this was my downfall in Japanese class as well.

What?!! Japanese class? Yes, it was for an elective 2 credit hours subject during undergrads. While most of my friends choose Arabic, I decided that I want to learn Japanese. I loved it! I love the words, the pronunciation, their culture. I was quite alright when we were just learning about hiragana; the way to write the characters, how to say them. But when we advanced to kanji, that's when I flopped. It was really hard, to memorize the exact spot to stroke a dash, the correct sequence when writing. I mean, it was deja vu all over again. Learning it in Mandarin class was hard enough but learning it in Japanese class? I got all mixed up, hehe. Though I have to say that I scored quite well in that subject.

And after watching all the Spanish soap-dramas on TV; Mis Tres Hermanas, La Usur Padora, Yo Soy Betty La fey and etc, I think I have grasped a few words here and there. Not forgetting Handy Manny on Disney Channel. He's the handy man with the talking tools who is also a Mexican who speaks English. He incorporates some Spanish words here and there during the show.

So, where does all these leave me? Am I destined to be a multi-lingual speaker who would do great one day? Should I take one particular language seriously and take it to the next level? Maybe I'll just stick to English and finish the course I'll be taking first.

Money matters.

You know the best way to double your money?
Fold it and put it in your pocket.
Phyllis Diller

I found this quote in Reader's Digest, June 2007 issue.

Kind of funny and it is, yet at the same time, ironic, given the economic situation we're having these past years. It insinuates the need to NOT spend, which for me is easy because I don't really go shopping very much. Things I shop for are basic necessities; food, diapers, household items and the occasional cravings.

Be that it may, I am currently totally dependent on my hubby and occasionally on my parents for my spending money. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not good for my confidence and self-esteem at all.

I started this blog as a means to support myself and my boys without depending to much on either hubby or parents. Unfortunately, as other bloggers are throwing extremely good posts left and right, I could merely post about my own anxiety, my lack of ambition, some stories about my boys, my rants and practically more boring posts about nothing important.

Remember the post I did on ReadBud? Well, my prediction came through; after I reached the $50 mark, the balance on my account bounced back to $40, as if I never did reach the mark that makes me eligible for a redemption, at all. That's why their banner was taken off. I've sent them dozens of complaints but they didn't even acknowledge me. I was really looking forward to having that $50 (about RM 150) in my PayPal account.

I've also joined the ManggaAd group, the ad you see on my side bar? I've only earned RM 0.07 since joining. Man, that number looks really depressing. *sigh*

There's also the Info Links ad, where they highlights/underscores phrases/words that are commonly searched for and attach an ad to it. This one? Zilch. Nada. No money from this venture yet.

Let's see, what else? Oh, in my Facebook page, I am offering translation services (English to Malay and vice verse), as well as proofreading (though I have no official training at doing this), editing (this one as well) and composition. I've scored with doing translation, I did get a few projects to translate but they are slow in coming.

I need a money-earning job NOW! Like yesterday!

With regards to job-hunting, I've failed at that one too. I failed the year after graduation, I failed the year after getting my Masters, and I am failing this time around too.

Boo-hoo.

If only Adam Lambert's words are true:
MONEY, FAME AND FORTUNE NEVER CAN COMPETE,
IF I HAVE YOU.

I have the man I wanted but my happily ever after is not in sight.

Life's little pleasures.

This is a story of two brothers who love each other very much but still too young to really show it.

One brother is a bit clingy while the other is more independent.

One prefers to play alone with his assortments of toy cars, trains and trucks.
The other loves to explore his surroundings, much to his mother's frustration. He really messes things up when he goes exploring.

The older brother sometimes loves playing tag with his younger brother, who in turn would instigate the game whenever he can. When they are having fun, the whole house would be filled with their laughter. Such joy to watch them enjoying their play with each other.

The older brother is more reserved and a bit on the timid side.
The younger brother is very adventurous and feels he can do anything at all.

Both are very talkative and expressive when they want something. The younger one is even worse, he couldn't wait for anything. If his mother is a little too slow at giving him what he wants, his tantrum routine; cry as loud as he can, run away from mother, stop, cry some more, then turn around to see if she's coming to get him, if not then he'd run back towards his mother. Repeat if still doesn't get what he wants.

Both love to give kisses. The best present his mother ever gets. Tiny little lips, all puckered up for 'tiss-tiss' (kiss-kiss). Freely given by the older brother, a little coaxing is needed for kisses from the younger one.

The older is very good at following orders. Mother is very pleased to have someone she can ask for help with picking up dirty laundry, throwing trash into the bin, getting her phone from the shelf, etc. He is her 'hand-little-helper'.

The younger is her breakfast/lunch/dinner date, everyday. He is a good eater and whenever she sits down to eat, he'll come running. But he wants his own plate and food. If his mother attempts to feed him, he'll shake his head so hard, she worries it might fall off. At 1.5 years old, he's getting pretty good at feeding himself. The older one is not very keen at eating. He prefers watching TV.

The little buggers are their mother's treasure and she loves them very much.

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