I've been talking to some friends regarding my 'outburst' when replying to your comments. They have advised me to not address the issue further. Ironically, I wrote that post to remind me not to let another person control my emotions but in the end, I let your comments made me angry. Heh. My bad.
So, please let's just forget this whole emotional storm and move on to other 'exciting' things, ok? As for your reveal, I'm still waitiiinggggg....
One last thing, I just had to laugh over this question:
7. Do you consider the incident (in this post) as once-off/acute, escalating, chronic, or reducing?
So, you a Dr? an Engineer?
The answer would have to be that the incident was once-off but not acute. Heh.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
I just knew it..
I knew I would get in trouble once I posted this entry.
I wrote it to remind myself not to let my emotions be governed by his actions but based on the comments from one reader (not sure whether all the anonymous comments came from the same person or not), my story of that day may have come across as me bashing my husband on the internet (is it, Anonymous?).
Well, truth be told, such situations only ever happen once in a blue moon but my reactions to them has varied along the way. I will clarify more once I've made a list of all the comments on that post and do one long explanation in another post, ok.
I wrote it to remind myself not to let my emotions be governed by his actions but based on the comments from one reader (not sure whether all the anonymous comments came from the same person or not), my story of that day may have come across as me bashing my husband on the internet (is it, Anonymous?).
Well, truth be told, such situations only ever happen once in a blue moon but my reactions to them has varied along the way. I will clarify more once I've made a list of all the comments on that post and do one long explanation in another post, ok.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Making choices..
I love bloghopping, especially blogs that have life stories. Real, everyday stories.
I found this post about taking charge of your own happiness while bloghopping sometime ago.
It certainly helped me keep my calm today. *edited to add: 'today' was 26/7, I didn't initially wanted to write this but I finally decided to write it anyway as a reminder to myself.
I had spent the entire day taking care of my family; waking up early preparing our pre-dawn meal, staying awake so that I wouldn't be late taking Shahrin to pre-school, came back home and crashed for a bit before Nazrin woke up and demanded my attention, followed by Khairin etc. Then, at noon, I went to pick Shahrin up, came home and did the dishes, the laundry, swept the floor..you know..household chores.
WHILE HE SLEPT.
This in itself isn't unusual. Even during normal days (pre-Ramadhan), he would sleep till noon. After 7 years of being married to him, I have learnt to take this 'condition' of his with patience.
Things went along as usual in this house till around 5pm when I got the boys ready for a trip to the nearest playground at the housing area. Shahrin has been badgering me to take him to the playground since forever. His pre-school teacher would sometimes take the entire school (of about 10 kids, heheh..) for a fun time at the playground which is just 5 minutes walking distance from the school (well, honestly, it is a residential house turned into a school/daycare, but ever since the second teacher was re-assigned, students have dropped from around 20'ish to only half of that). So, he would occasionally ask us to take him there too.
On that day, after promising him that I would take him and Nazrin there since 2 days before, we got ready for a day at the playground. I woke Ahmad up just to tell him that we were heading out. He got a little bit upset. I'm not sure whether he was upset over being woken up or the fact that we're going out. He did grumbled something about we shouldn't go out but since the boys were already in the car, I just told him that we'll be back soon.
The boys got to play with their brand new ball that day while I kept Khairin entertained. It was fun watching my 2 boys running around chasing the ball. They had fun on the slides too which were their favorite. Then, around 6pm, we all got back in the car to head on to our Pasar Ramadhan to buy food for breaking fast. As I drove along the road, I decided not to stop there as planned. There were too many people around plus I couldn't find a parking space close enough to the pasar. I didn't want to have to try and contain 2 boisterous boys while surveying the foods available there. The boys may not listen to me and run around in the crowd and got lost or hit by motorcycles. Plus, I would've had to carry Khairin too, so shopping for iftar had to wait.
So, I drove on back and got the boys inside. Ahmad was up and watching TV so I told him that I'm heading out again to buy food for iftar. My plan was to leave the boys with him and take the motorcycle to get back to the pasar. Nazrin saw me getting the keys and he immediately ran out as well. He's very alert when it comes to me or Ahmad getting ready to go out. Ahmad would always take him along whenever he goes out on his motorcycle so, Nazrin wanting to tag along is nothing new. Then, Shahrin also wanted to join us. He normally would ignore such trips as he prefers to watch cartoons but on that day, he wanted to come along to buy some curry puffs.
The problem was that Ahmad's motorcycle is kind of high and me being a petite person, often struggle when I'm handling it. My feet don't touch the ground when I'm on it and having Nazrin & Shahrin along is not an option. So, I casually asked Ahmad to take them instead and buy food for iftar.
He stormed off into our bedroom, put on a shirt and his jeans and stormed out. Before I could tell him what to buy for iftar, he'd already started the ignition and rode off with the boys. I was miffed at that time but I still have to cook the rice, so I headed back inside and decided to forget about Ahmad's moodiness.
About 20 minutes later, they came back with Shahrin crying, Ahmad sulking and Nazrin normal. Shahrin told me that Ayah just took them for a ride around the housing area and he didn't stop to buy anything. Shahrin kept on crying that he was hungry and he wanted the curry puffs. By this time, my annoyance had turned into anger but as iftar was only an hour away, I just had to improvised or we wouldn't be breaking our fast that day. All the while, I was steaming inside. I was tired, my son was unhappy with his father while he did nothing to help me. Instead, he had added on to my problems. While I was preparing our simple dish for iftar (luckily I had some minced chicken in the freezer, so I cooked it in some chili paste) I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the D-word.
It surfaces during times like these. Whenever Ahmad pushes my patience beyond the limit, the D-word would pop up. I mean, I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I put my kids and myself through this shit day after day? He's not gonna change, so why not ask him for a D?" During normal days, which can last for months, the D-word is pushed to the deepest place in my head but on days like this, it surfaces.
Then, I remembered the post I linked earlier. I told myself to calm down and not let him MAKE ME UNHAPPY. He is clueless. He is selfish but he does not have the power over MY EMOTIONS. Thinking about that made me calm down a bit. I was able to keep my cool about the whole incident and we were able to break our fast in relative calmness and normalcy. Had I not decided to not let him make me unhappy, I would've sulked at him or yelled at him and gave him the silent treatment. This would usually lead to him treating me the same which would result in a communication breakdown where he would just ignore me. I have learnt through experience that it is never good for me to have him that way since I totally depend on him to buy things from the store or look after the boys while I do my work or for other things as well.
I made it through the rest of the day by not showing him how angry I was at him for not buying food for iftar and for not buying those damned curry puffs for Shahrin (I managed to make him stop crying by promising to buy him some on the following day). If I had chosen to let him make me unhappy, I would've spent the rest of the day crying or stewing in anger which is not good since the D-word would come up.
Well, luckily today (27/7) was a bit better that that day. He woke up earlier than usual and he helped wash the dishes and helped with the boys. So, all in all, by making the decision to not put my emotions in his hands albeit him not knowing about it, has saved the day for all of us.
*sigh*
I found this post about taking charge of your own happiness while bloghopping sometime ago.
It certainly helped me keep my calm today. *edited to add: 'today' was 26/7, I didn't initially wanted to write this but I finally decided to write it anyway as a reminder to myself.
I had spent the entire day taking care of my family; waking up early preparing our pre-dawn meal, staying awake so that I wouldn't be late taking Shahrin to pre-school, came back home and crashed for a bit before Nazrin woke up and demanded my attention, followed by Khairin etc. Then, at noon, I went to pick Shahrin up, came home and did the dishes, the laundry, swept the floor..you know..household chores.
WHILE HE SLEPT.
This in itself isn't unusual. Even during normal days (pre-Ramadhan), he would sleep till noon. After 7 years of being married to him, I have learnt to take this 'condition' of his with patience.
Things went along as usual in this house till around 5pm when I got the boys ready for a trip to the nearest playground at the housing area. Shahrin has been badgering me to take him to the playground since forever. His pre-school teacher would sometimes take the entire school (of about 10 kids, heheh..) for a fun time at the playground which is just 5 minutes walking distance from the school (well, honestly, it is a residential house turned into a school/daycare, but ever since the second teacher was re-assigned, students have dropped from around 20'ish to only half of that). So, he would occasionally ask us to take him there too.
On that day, after promising him that I would take him and Nazrin there since 2 days before, we got ready for a day at the playground. I woke Ahmad up just to tell him that we were heading out. He got a little bit upset. I'm not sure whether he was upset over being woken up or the fact that we're going out. He did grumbled something about we shouldn't go out but since the boys were already in the car, I just told him that we'll be back soon.
The boys got to play with their brand new ball that day while I kept Khairin entertained. It was fun watching my 2 boys running around chasing the ball. They had fun on the slides too which were their favorite. Then, around 6pm, we all got back in the car to head on to our Pasar Ramadhan to buy food for breaking fast. As I drove along the road, I decided not to stop there as planned. There were too many people around plus I couldn't find a parking space close enough to the pasar. I didn't want to have to try and contain 2 boisterous boys while surveying the foods available there. The boys may not listen to me and run around in the crowd and got lost or hit by motorcycles. Plus, I would've had to carry Khairin too, so shopping for iftar had to wait.
So, I drove on back and got the boys inside. Ahmad was up and watching TV so I told him that I'm heading out again to buy food for iftar. My plan was to leave the boys with him and take the motorcycle to get back to the pasar. Nazrin saw me getting the keys and he immediately ran out as well. He's very alert when it comes to me or Ahmad getting ready to go out. Ahmad would always take him along whenever he goes out on his motorcycle so, Nazrin wanting to tag along is nothing new. Then, Shahrin also wanted to join us. He normally would ignore such trips as he prefers to watch cartoons but on that day, he wanted to come along to buy some curry puffs.
The problem was that Ahmad's motorcycle is kind of high and me being a petite person, often struggle when I'm handling it. My feet don't touch the ground when I'm on it and having Nazrin & Shahrin along is not an option. So, I casually asked Ahmad to take them instead and buy food for iftar.
He stormed off into our bedroom, put on a shirt and his jeans and stormed out. Before I could tell him what to buy for iftar, he'd already started the ignition and rode off with the boys. I was miffed at that time but I still have to cook the rice, so I headed back inside and decided to forget about Ahmad's moodiness.
About 20 minutes later, they came back with Shahrin crying, Ahmad sulking and Nazrin normal. Shahrin told me that Ayah just took them for a ride around the housing area and he didn't stop to buy anything. Shahrin kept on crying that he was hungry and he wanted the curry puffs. By this time, my annoyance had turned into anger but as iftar was only an hour away, I just had to improvised or we wouldn't be breaking our fast that day. All the while, I was steaming inside. I was tired, my son was unhappy with his father while he did nothing to help me. Instead, he had added on to my problems. While I was preparing our simple dish for iftar (luckily I had some minced chicken in the freezer, so I cooked it in some chili paste) I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the D-word.
It surfaces during times like these. Whenever Ahmad pushes my patience beyond the limit, the D-word would pop up. I mean, I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I put my kids and myself through this shit day after day? He's not gonna change, so why not ask him for a D?" During normal days, which can last for months, the D-word is pushed to the deepest place in my head but on days like this, it surfaces.
Then, I remembered the post I linked earlier. I told myself to calm down and not let him MAKE ME UNHAPPY. He is clueless. He is selfish but he does not have the power over MY EMOTIONS. Thinking about that made me calm down a bit. I was able to keep my cool about the whole incident and we were able to break our fast in relative calmness and normalcy. Had I not decided to not let him make me unhappy, I would've sulked at him or yelled at him and gave him the silent treatment. This would usually lead to him treating me the same which would result in a communication breakdown where he would just ignore me. I have learnt through experience that it is never good for me to have him that way since I totally depend on him to buy things from the store or look after the boys while I do my work or for other things as well.
I made it through the rest of the day by not showing him how angry I was at him for not buying food for iftar and for not buying those damned curry puffs for Shahrin (I managed to make him stop crying by promising to buy him some on the following day). If I had chosen to let him make me unhappy, I would've spent the rest of the day crying or stewing in anger which is not good since the D-word would come up.
Well, luckily today (27/7) was a bit better that that day. He woke up earlier than usual and he helped wash the dishes and helped with the boys. So, all in all, by making the decision to not put my emotions in his hands albeit him not knowing about it, has saved the day for all of us.
*sigh*
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Excuses, excuses...
Remember this post?
I barely managed to finish the project while operating on auto-mode the whole time.
Then, the next day, my neighbour's friend who's a teacher asked me to do something for her.
I botched that project. Couldn't finish the 3 articles she wanted me to do. Well, I did finish the 2 main articles that she wanted but I only completed 3/4 of the 3rd one. :(
It was embarrassing!
I've never submitted incomplete work before. I've been late and I've been way past my datelines but I have NEVER submitted incomplete work before. *sigh*
Not 2 days later, the same friend I mentioned earlier SMSed me asking if I can translate several pages of his original work into Malay. Turns out he wanted 7000 words of English (from his thesis) to be translated into only 3000 words of research paper.
I have to admit, the promise of the payment got me excited about this project but I failed to evaluate my current sleep-deprived condition. Plus, the task at hand was near impossible since the Malay language uses way more words to convey the same idea in English.
But I pushed myself to complete the project because i) it belongs to my ex-schoolmate and ii) I needed the money. I spent 3 more sleepless night* editing and translating his work. The translating part was manageable but the editing part really got me. I mean, can you imagine trying to compress 7000 words worth of research into just 3000?? I really had to go through the whole document several times just to work out the best way to keep the research idea & results intact while keeping the words to the bare minimum.
In the end, I think I had disappointed him. I was late and couldn't satisfy the paper requirements as he had requested. But he made the payment anyway which made me feel a bit shameful with myself for submitting a half-assed work but still took the full payment. He was gracious about the whole thing though which made it a bit better for me.
I have to admit that I spent the next few days catching up with my sleep which can be said to be a lesson in futility. The boys kept interrupting my sleep with their endless demands! Then, Ramadhan arrives and threw my daily schedule to the dumps. After 2 straight weeks of staying up late and waking up late, having to wake up for Sahur at 5 in the morning have turn me into a zombie.
I'm slowly getting into the rhythm of things. Sorry to have kept this blog silent for so long.
* I have to wait till the boys are asleep before I can really do my work. Unfortunately, these kids sleep waaayyyyy past 11'ish so I have to stay awake at night to complete my work :(
I barely managed to finish the project while operating on auto-mode the whole time.
Then, the next day, my neighbour's friend who's a teacher asked me to do something for her.
I botched that project. Couldn't finish the 3 articles she wanted me to do. Well, I did finish the 2 main articles that she wanted but I only completed 3/4 of the 3rd one. :(
It was embarrassing!
I've never submitted incomplete work before. I've been late and I've been way past my datelines but I have NEVER submitted incomplete work before. *sigh*
Not 2 days later, the same friend I mentioned earlier SMSed me asking if I can translate several pages of his original work into Malay. Turns out he wanted 7000 words of English (from his thesis) to be translated into only 3000 words of research paper.
I have to admit, the promise of the payment got me excited about this project but I failed to evaluate my current sleep-deprived condition. Plus, the task at hand was near impossible since the Malay language uses way more words to convey the same idea in English.
But I pushed myself to complete the project because i) it belongs to my ex-schoolmate and ii) I needed the money. I spent 3 more sleepless night* editing and translating his work. The translating part was manageable but the editing part really got me. I mean, can you imagine trying to compress 7000 words worth of research into just 3000?? I really had to go through the whole document several times just to work out the best way to keep the research idea & results intact while keeping the words to the bare minimum.
In the end, I think I had disappointed him. I was late and couldn't satisfy the paper requirements as he had requested. But he made the payment anyway which made me feel a bit shameful with myself for submitting a half-assed work but still took the full payment. He was gracious about the whole thing though which made it a bit better for me.
I have to admit that I spent the next few days catching up with my sleep which can be said to be a lesson in futility. The boys kept interrupting my sleep with their endless demands! Then, Ramadhan arrives and threw my daily schedule to the dumps. After 2 straight weeks of staying up late and waking up late, having to wake up for Sahur at 5 in the morning have turn me into a zombie.
I'm slowly getting into the rhythm of things. Sorry to have kept this blog silent for so long.
* I have to wait till the boys are asleep before I can really do my work. Unfortunately, these kids sleep waaayyyyy past 11'ish so I have to stay awake at night to complete my work :(
Saturday, July 7, 2012
The downside of Breastfeeding exclusively..
 |
| droooooollllllll.......on DURIAN |
I can't eat my fave fruit as much as I want!!!!!
This is the second time now.
I ate durian, Khairin gets diarrhea.
He pooped runny poo twice today.
Two weeks ago was the same. One day, I eat durian, the next day Khairin's poo is runny. :(
Poor little man.
Poor me...
Huhuhuhu....have to ration my durian intake.
No way I'm gonna stop eating my fave fruit. Heh..selfish Ibu.
Bad Ibu! Bad! Bad!
Friday, July 6, 2012
Personal best..
2 days ago my ex-schoolmate contacted me, asking about my proofreading services.
He wanted me to edit/proofread his literature review chapter in just 2 days.
2 DAYS!!!!!!
I mean..I barely slept last night, I stayed up all night till 5ish this morning.
I'm awake now just because I had to get Shahrin ready for school and now I couldn't go back to sleep.
I'm so messed up right now..aagghhh..
but
man..to be able to finish editing/proofreading 24 PAGES!! in under 24 HOURS!!! when I usually would take at least a week to do so..
I am so proud of me right now..hahahahaha..
He wanted me to edit/proofread his literature review chapter in just 2 days.
2 DAYS!!!!!!
I mean..I barely slept last night, I stayed up all night till 5ish this morning.
I'm awake now just because I had to get Shahrin ready for school and now I couldn't go back to sleep.
I'm so messed up right now..aagghhh..
but
man..to be able to finish editing/proofreading 24 PAGES!! in under 24 HOURS!!! when I usually would take at least a week to do so..
I am so proud of me right now..hahahahaha..
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Parenting issues.
As usual, after I've sent Shahrin to school, I would sit in front of my lappy and log in to my FACEBOOK and check my blog before I start on whatever project I'm supposed to be doing for that day. Today is no different.
FACEBOOK is quite for now but I am waiting for updates on my ex-schoolmate who is in CCU in Hospital Pulau Pinang. I pray for her speedy recovery, insya allah.
Then, on my bloglist, I saw that Cecily has a new entry, so I clicked on her entry. She wrote about sharing space with her mother and having privacy and parenting issues. Read about it here and read the comments too, they are just as informative. Then, when I went to check my e-mail, this article caught my eyes.
So, about the first issue; Shahrin has always told me that he can run fast. I guess that's his 'best' thing. He would always tell me to look while he ran around the house, going at 'super-speed' or something. plus, he's always asking me to check out his new dance moves. They always involve him jumping around with arms flailing everywhere and ending with him on the floor. Yeah, whatever rock your boat, kid. Heh. I would always respond positively without making him feel like he IS the fastest runner or best dancer.
What annoys me the most is when he couldn't accept losing. He always, ALWAYS wants to be the winner, even when playing with our neighbor's kids. I don't know about at school but his teacher once told me that he would sometimes instigate a fight whenever he feels like he's not getting the upper hand. This information was given to me after I asked his teacher whether it was true that a bigger boy (physically, not age wise) was pushing him around. I didn't blame the boy since I know how Shahrin is plus that boy is bigger than he is, so it might have seemed to him that the boy was pushing him around when in reality that boy was just playing.
No matter what I tell Shahrin, he would always want to win. He would throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. This leads to the second issue. I grew up with corporal punishment, so, that's also how I 'try' to discipline my boys. Being spanked, hit with a rattan stick and even tied to a pole (I took something that I shouldn't have when I was 7) was no big deal. With the boys, I always use the I-am-going-to-count-to-three-and-you-better-stop-before-then approach first. If they do not settle down (it's always something; fighting over toys, over the remote, over drinks, you name it) or things get out of hand, then I dish out spanks. Time-out works too, sometimes.
I know that I am not a good parent though I try to be. Unfortunately, my efforts are not enough when Ahmad is not helping me with the discipline thing. His absence doesn't help either. As some of the commenters pointed out in that article, spanking for the sake of the bad behaviour should be enough but usually kids get spanked more than they deserve due to the parent's frustration or out of anger. This is true for me. When I get frustrated with the boys, I always spanked them more times than they deserve. This is especially true when I'm busy with my projects and they get into a fight, let's say over who gets to watch the next cartoon. When in that situation, I'd either ignore them at first and concentrate on my work or try to talk them into taking turns (which rarely works). When both efforts fail, then I turn into the angry bull. Watch out boys!! Here comes the bull!!
I am aware that this is not good parenting, neither is shouting at them to obey me but I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Especially when Ahmad is present and he chooses not to do anything about it. I think that this is due to how he was raised; never been spanked or pinched or punished. He was dotted on by everyone in his adopted family since he was the 'first' child. He only have to ask and they would give him everything. So, with the boys, his response to their bickering would only to tell them to stop and if they still keep at it, he does nothing. This is what always makes me even angrier. Because I feel I have to do everything in this house.
Update - I started writing this entry at 9am, it's now 12.18pm. Khairin and Nazrin demanded my time so I think I should just end this now.
FACEBOOK is quite for now but I am waiting for updates on my ex-schoolmate who is in CCU in Hospital Pulau Pinang. I pray for her speedy recovery, insya allah.
Then, on my bloglist, I saw that Cecily has a new entry, so I clicked on her entry. She wrote about sharing space with her mother and having privacy and parenting issues. Read about it here and read the comments too, they are just as informative. Then, when I went to check my e-mail, this article caught my eyes.
So, about the first issue; Shahrin has always told me that he can run fast. I guess that's his 'best' thing. He would always tell me to look while he ran around the house, going at 'super-speed' or something. plus, he's always asking me to check out his new dance moves. They always involve him jumping around with arms flailing everywhere and ending with him on the floor. Yeah, whatever rock your boat, kid. Heh. I would always respond positively without making him feel like he IS the fastest runner or best dancer.
What annoys me the most is when he couldn't accept losing. He always, ALWAYS wants to be the winner, even when playing with our neighbor's kids. I don't know about at school but his teacher once told me that he would sometimes instigate a fight whenever he feels like he's not getting the upper hand. This information was given to me after I asked his teacher whether it was true that a bigger boy (physically, not age wise) was pushing him around. I didn't blame the boy since I know how Shahrin is plus that boy is bigger than he is, so it might have seemed to him that the boy was pushing him around when in reality that boy was just playing.
No matter what I tell Shahrin, he would always want to win. He would throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. This leads to the second issue. I grew up with corporal punishment, so, that's also how I 'try' to discipline my boys. Being spanked, hit with a rattan stick and even tied to a pole (I took something that I shouldn't have when I was 7) was no big deal. With the boys, I always use the I-am-going-to-count-to-three-and-you-better-stop-before-then approach first. If they do not settle down (it's always something; fighting over toys, over the remote, over drinks, you name it) or things get out of hand, then I dish out spanks. Time-out works too, sometimes.
I know that I am not a good parent though I try to be. Unfortunately, my efforts are not enough when Ahmad is not helping me with the discipline thing. His absence doesn't help either. As some of the commenters pointed out in that article, spanking for the sake of the bad behaviour should be enough but usually kids get spanked more than they deserve due to the parent's frustration or out of anger. This is true for me. When I get frustrated with the boys, I always spanked them more times than they deserve. This is especially true when I'm busy with my projects and they get into a fight, let's say over who gets to watch the next cartoon. When in that situation, I'd either ignore them at first and concentrate on my work or try to talk them into taking turns (which rarely works). When both efforts fail, then I turn into the angry bull. Watch out boys!! Here comes the bull!!
I am aware that this is not good parenting, neither is shouting at them to obey me but I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Especially when Ahmad is present and he chooses not to do anything about it. I think that this is due to how he was raised; never been spanked or pinched or punished. He was dotted on by everyone in his adopted family since he was the 'first' child. He only have to ask and they would give him everything. So, with the boys, his response to their bickering would only to tell them to stop and if they still keep at it, he does nothing. This is what always makes me even angrier. Because I feel I have to do everything in this house.
Update - I started writing this entry at 9am, it's now 12.18pm. Khairin and Nazrin demanded my time so I think I should just end this now.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
poetry? what?
i close my eyes
empty
i close my mouth
tasteless
i tune off my ears
silence
but
i couldn't pinch my nose
and stop breathing
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