Deflated.

I think by now, you'd have notice my entries (No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4) for the iPad contest, right? Well, last night, I went back to the organizer's blog and checked out her audition preview.

The competition is tough! Just reading through that post made me realize I'm not creative at all and that I may not get listed for the second round, buhuhuhu...

I thought blogging for money was easy but as it turned out, it's not.

Oh well, signing off to lick my wounds.

See you when I see you.

A little ME time would be nice.

I've initially written down a long and flowing paragraph about how my week sucked, BIG TIME.

But.

I've deleted it and now trying (the operative word here is 'trying') to find the correct words to better describe my feelings.

Ugghhh..

My brain is tired. And sick of trying to find nicer words to describe a really crappy week.
If only TB is out of my life forever!!!!
If only Ahmad is not a neanderthal but instead, a new-age macho man, in touch with his feminine side, what ever that is.

If only I don't have to shoulder HIS every responsibility by myself. Just because I married him doesn't mean *I* am to blame for everything he did and didn't do. COME ON!!!!!

And TB? Next time, if you want to tell Ahmad that he and the boys are missed, please, do it somewhere I'm not around! I feel like the unwanted maid hearing that!

Feeling low.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Dedicated to the younger me.

Saya mahu jadi macam Zarin dari blog The Dairy of Our Daily Life

Saya mahu kenalkan kawan saya Zarin pula kepada semua. Dia kawan sewaktu menuntut di USM, Tronoh (dah pindah ke Transkerian, Nibong Tebal) dari undergrad sampai ke postgrad. Kami juga rakan sebilik semasa menyewa rumah di Taman Pekaka yang terletak berhampiran dengan universiti.

Zarin ni seorang yang sangat berkarisma dan bersemangat kental. Bayangkan, dia ni dengan sukarela ikut kumpulan pendaki-pendaki gunung seMalaysia walaupun sedang buat postgrad. Saya pun dah tak ingat berapa banyak gunung yang Zarin dah panjat. Dia juga tak akan takut untuk meluahkan buah fikiran diwaktu orang lain diam membisu. Satu lagi, Zarin ni sanggup beli gitar dan buku-buku tentang bermain gitar kerana nak memenuhi keinginan diri hendak pandai bermain gitar. Belajar sendiri pulak tu sampai cekap. Sempat la jugak saya merasa nyanyi karaoke sambil diiringi alunan gitar Zarin ni.

Saya pula jenis yang angguk, angguk, geleng, geleng. Cuba anda semua baca coretan Zarin ini: giler kose. Tajuknya saja dah membayangkan isi kandungannya bukan? Dah la tergolong dalam kumpulan wanita berkerjaya, dia dan suami juga ada kedai sendiri, tambah pula dengan online blogshop. (Sila lawat blogshop Zarin yer, dia ada jual beg tangan, telekong, baju renang, bunga telur dan kain pasang. Ermm..Zarin, iklan free ni, aku tak dapat beg free ka? Hahah) Bandingkan pula dengan coretan saya ini: (sila abaikan penggunaan bahasa yang berbeza, ok?) fikiran saya yang bercelaru. Nampak sangat perbezaan kami, bukan? Saya sangat-sangat mahu jadi macam Zarin yang berani dan yakin dengan kebolehan diri.

Sila baca pula coretan ini: tanggungjawab kerjaya. Zarin memang begitu. Bagi dia, a job worth doing is if you do it yourself. Saya pula lebih suka jika orang lain yang diberi tanggungjawab sebab saya ni pak turut sahaja. Suka juga menyalahkan orang lain bila ditimpa kesusahan, walaupun sebenarnya adalah salah diri saya sendiri. Tak percaya? Sila baca coretan-coretan ini pula: I was told dan Humility Cuba anda cari coretan sebegini dalam blog The Dairy of Our Daily Life, mesti tak akan jumpa, sebab Zarin tak macam saya, heh.

Sewaktu kecil, saya turutkan saja kehendak Mama dan Baba kerana saya percayakan mereka. Dah berkahwin, saya turutkan pula kehendak suami, walaupun hati memberontak dan jiwa resah gelisah, hanya kerana saya tak percaya kepada diri sendiri. Saya sedang cuba berubah, dengan bantuan kawan saya Zarin, sila baca coretan sebelum dan selepas ini.

Walaupun Zarin jarang meng'up-date' blog, namun kehadiran Zarin dan blognya dalam hidup saya sangat dihargai. Saya nak jadi macam Zarin bila saya besar nanti, :D
p/s: Adik Normy dan blognya juga tidak dilupakan! :D

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”

Sangat, sangat, sangat mengidam, okey!

Target not achieved.

I've set a goal for my blog this month.
I promised my blog that I would make an entry for every day of the whole month, that means 28 entries.
I'm already short 3 entries from achieving that goal.
I'm out of ideas.
I want to win the iPad very much but I'm not poetic or artistic or even creative.

Ideas, anyone?

Currently studying.

Or at least trying to...

Tomorrow is the day I'll be sitting for my first ever test since so long ago. *sigh* I feel ancient.

I'm trying to be objective while googling samples of refusing credit letters on the net but my lecturer's words keep buzzing in my ears.

From the writing exercises we've done in class, she told me she didn't like my writing style.
Bummer.
So, you understand my worry. I've never gotten bad marks in English before..... :(
What if I failed this one? Arghhh!!!

Granted, I'm officially a part-time student only but the stress before a test feels just the same like when I was still doing my undergrad studies. Plus, this time around, I have tons of other things (read: the boys, the house, the husband) to worry about beside my test.

I'm not sure I can do this...............

Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
I need youuuu!!!!

Contest entry in English version.

Hi all!

Feeling gloomy again today, so nothing new in that area.

I really want to win the iPad from Mommy Lyna. I've never had anything extravagant, not even a pair of shoes. Growing up, my parents made sure we understand the value of being prudent with our money. Even to these days, I'd always think long and hard about my purchase, especially when it involves expensive stuff. With the two boys growing up and requiring so much more than I do, I'm thankful to my parents for teaching me to live a frugal life. Not to mention our current financial problem, I have to be extra careful with my spending.

So, I want to be able to pour out my problems and work through them here on this blog.

I look at other people (friends, siblings, strangers I met somewhere) and I go green with envy. They have the things that I want, things I crave. A house of their own, a career/business, a happy family, a perfect vacation, bla bla bla..fill in the blanks.

Here on my blog, I get the chance to unburden my feelings without hurting anyone. If they don't read my blog, anyway. Through it, I could look back on stuff that has been happening to me and try to figure out how to move forward from the bad experience. Unfortunately, off late, I have come to the conclusion that I am a coward, when it comes to standing on my own two feet. I get terrified just thinking about what I would do when living with Ahmad (and all his crazy antics) finally come to the point of no return. See, this post is now written in a crappy mood, in case you haven't figured it out.

Here on my blog, I get to dream and make plans and wish that airplanes are wishing stars. I get to write down why I love my husband but why I would really love to bash his head in with a frying pan. I can also reminisce about my historical-hey-day and sit in front of my computer, wondering where my zest for life has gone to.

Here on my blog, I can write about my boys and their current development. Though I haven't done so in a long time, haven't I? They are the center-point of my life now, yet there are times I feel as if I'm trapped in a freaking zoo with 2 monkeys on the loose. Heh. I wish I could give them so much more. There are days where I hit rock bottom and feel like I've failed them by marrying their father. Does that make any sense to you? *sigh*

Here on my blog, my 'artistic' side could satisfy its curiosity by visiting craft blogs. I know I love sewing but haven't got the chance to try out any of the tutorials I've downloaded from the net. My late grandma, my father's mother was an excellent seamstress. She used to sew her own baju kurung, baju Kedah and other types of clothes. Unfortunately, I never sat down and learn her trade with her. What a waste of talent.

Here on my blog, I get to be me.

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”