L.O.V.E.

'It's complicated'
'In a relationship'
'Married'
'Single' but 'In a relationship'

These are the common status for 'Facebookers' that I have come across. If I have not mentioned your status here, then please forgive me but your current status does not apply to this entry.

L.O.V.E.
This is a very hard and deep topic to be discussed right now, especially in my current state. I will try very hard to be fluid and cohesive with my thoughts but if you think this entry is crap, then please blame it on my non- existing PMS*

Growing up, I have always been chubby (a nicer word for fat, don't you agree?) and rounded in more areas on my body than it should be. But that condition did not bother me a bit back during my primary school days because I have not discovered boys yet. Hehe. Nah, that's a lie but still, I was too naive to even be thinking about boys then. When I got into secondary boarding school, being around boys nearly 15 hours a day made me realized that there is more to boys than being your 'friend'. I had a few crushes while I was there, on seniors and on a few classmates. However, these crushes never blossomed into a more serious relationship other than close friends. My heart never got really broken during these attempts at 'being in love' because I somehow have set my mind at failing right from the start.

I became more serious about love, about the idea of being in love, while in matriculation. I actually 'fell in love' with someone but he never knew about my feelings for him. I didn't know how to attract his attention so that he'd notice me. This is because I am the friendly type, one who is friends with everyone but not one of the BFF type. It's true, I don't even have a best friend, ever. Upss..the secret's out. Pathetic aren't I? Well, to make a long story short, I FINALLY found love at the ripe age of 27. He was my first and hopefully, only LOVE. He is my husband now and the father to my sons.

However, it wasn't a smooth ride at all. When we first started 'dating', I kept second-guessing his intentions of making me his girlfriend. Even now, thinking about it, I felt like I was always waiting for the other shoe to fall. Damn, I am STILL waiting for that other shoe to fall. I was always thinking to myself, 'Why would he want me? I'm not beautiful, attractive or interesting in anyway'. But I truly crave his love and attention. I fell in love with the idea of being loved.

Hence the title for today's entry. The reason I felt the need to make this entry is because I watched CSI Trilogy two days ago and one scene really stuck with me. The murder suspect was telling Catherine that she had committed a murder because she was jealous of the victim. The murderer was a prostitute, living with her pimp, with all the other prostitutes, called 'wifeys'. Her pimp had picked up a new 'wifey' and after raping the poor woman over and over (to wear down her spirit), he told the new wifey the same line about living together that he had told the suspect. She killed the new wifey for taking the pimp's attention away from her. In that confession scene, she simply said, "He said he loved me. Nobody ever said that to me before."

Well, that's just so sad, isn't it?
A friend once told me, "You only think you love him because he is the only one who tells you he loves you."

Hubby was not the first person to tell me he loves me. I do have my fair share of admirers, although they can be counted on just one hand. Hehe. It's just that hubby is the only one that really, REALLY put up a fight over me. My parents were TOTALLY against our relationship right from the start. And I understand their reason for feeling that way. Even so, I just couldn't let him go, I broke up with him lots of time out of respect to my parents wishes. But he kept coming back, he kept on pledging his love for me and through the 3 years we spent in limbo, before finally being given the blessings by my parents, his love and attention kept me going back for more. Maybe, I'm not so different than the character in CSI after all.
Sacrificing everything over just three words.
"I LOVE YOU"

*I am missing my periods very much, haven't had them since being pregnant with Nazrin, so that makes it about nearly 2 years since I have them last. I miss not being able to blame my crappy moods to PMS. *sigh*

** This entry is taking too long. I have so much more to tell but so little time. Think I'll do a sequel. Wait till next time. Bye.

Crying over a dance routine?

Monday is a 'So You Think You Can Dance' day on Astro's AXN.

I watch this show just because it's there and it's before CSI:New York which I love, after CSI:Las Vegas, off course. Sometimes I get lucky and get the chance to watch a very gripping dance routine. Sometimes, if you've watch a ballroom dance once, you've seen it too many times.

However, tonight, this entry is about a Tyce Diorio contemporary dance routine that in some way has touched me deeply.

This routine is about a breast cancer patient and her partner. The dancers were Melissa and Ade, an odd couple of a white woman and a black man. However, Melissa said that this dance was not about their dancing but it's about how they danced it. And she was right.

Their portrayal of the pain and suffering of a cancer patient, the love and support of the patient's partner/lover were really real and meaningful. The way they danced together, showed how each one supports the other and when they dance separately, truly conveys how deeply each individual suffers from their own demon. While dealing with their own problems, they were still so connected to each other.

There was a part where at first they were dancing separately and then Melissa jumped onto Ade's back and he lifted her up. That part made me teared up because it symbolizes their love for each other, the strength of it even through hardship. It showed that each had to deal with their pain alone but in the end, the love they have for each other makes them stronger. Sometimes, during this routine, they looked like they were angry at each other and Melissa was trying to push Ade away, maybe to protect him from heartache, but he never give up, he stayed by her side. Till the end where he lifted her up onto his shoulder and walked away, lights fading as if portraying her death, with him right there by her side, loving her till the end. *tears are running down my face while I'm typing this*

No, I don't know anyone with breast cancer nor do I suffer from one. But the message this dance has brought forth just struck a cord in me. It's about love, about suffering, about finding strength within yourself and within your loved ones. It's about sticking it out no matter how hard the journey is.

Man, never thought I could cry over a dance routine.

Thanks Tyce, may you get another Emmy nomination for this dance next year.

Random thoughts for the day.

Here are some thoughts going through my mind these past hours.

1. I need to go visit my father-in-law today. He just got Lasix treatment yesterday and today is the day they take off his bandages. I'll wait for Nazrin to wake up from his nap, then we'll go.

2. Next month is Shahrin's birthday. Feel like ordering some cupcakes from CupcakesChek but not sure whether the cuppies travel well.

3. And he's due to see the doctor at Hospital Alor Setar the day before his birthday. Should I have his party at my parents' house?

4. Why am I not more patient with my own sons? I am more controlled with Shahrul, the boy next door, even when he acts up. But if my sons act up, red lights lit up in my head almost instantly. Sometimes, I think I should report myself to the police for child abuse. *sad*

5. Tomorrow is the day of the Kuih Raya Party. Kind of like a Tupperware Party or any other direct selling parties, I guess. Jiah said she'll be there and she's going to bring her own kuih raya samples. Maybe I'll get to see a few friends from USM. Can't wait.

6. Hope my plan for buying bulk and selling direct would not backfire on me. I need to prove to myself and to Hubby that I can manage fine on my own.

7. Hmmm..it's already 5.45pm, when is Nazrin waking up? We need to get a move on. By the way, what should I bring for this visit?

The verdicts are in!

Edited to add: Damn!! Couldn't upload my pictures here! Will try again tomorrow.

Okey people, here's the low down on my Chocolate Raya.

I just got the shipment for my samples and as a chocolate LOVER*, I just haaddd to taste them right away. I ripped apart the sticky tape with glee and dug right in.

I started with the marshmallow. It's soft, it melts in your mouth and the sweetness is just subtle, so for sugar level conscious people, you don't have to worry. I don't think they'll cause you any trouble, unless if you eat them all in one sitting. Heh. If only I have a can of coco powder, I could make myself some hot chocolate, dump the marshmallow and enjoy watching CSI**, yum.

After that, I went after the sandwich marshmallow. Oh, they were a lot sweeter than the marshmallows. Huge chunks with sugar sprinkles and three different flavor. I did my sweet teeth a favor by only eating three of them, each for every flavor.

Then I had a hard time choosing between the chocolate coated almonds and rice crispies. Both looks so crunchy and chocolate-y. So, I closed my eyes and just grab one, it was the almond. Man, it was delicious! The almonds were in pieces and covered in chocolate. I kind of regret just munching it when I should take small bites, experience the crunchiness and suck in the taste of rich, dark chocolate. HEAVEN!!

The rice crispy was ok, big crispies coated in the same rich chocolate. It didn't quite leave such a big impression compared to the almonds.

Same goes for the cornflakes. After the almond, it didn't hit the spot. But the supplier does offer two kinds of chocolate dip, white or regular. I got the white chocolate. It was good enough to satisfy my sweet tooth.

I saved the dates for last because I really don't like dates. However, for dates lover, you should be flipping over these babies coz they are BIG! And covered in chocolates! Have I mention just how rich the chocolate is? With the white wriggly line on top. Kind of made me forget the date inside. It was juicy and meaty and just one sample makes me regret not liking dates.

Well, folks. These are the honest to goodness reviews for my Chocolate Raya. Please let me know if you are interested in buying these babies.

* I am a self proclaimed chocolate lover but even I couldn't eat 5 - 6 Mars bars in one sitting like the lady in The Biggest Loser Australia claimed. Man, she really packed them in, didn't she?

** Just finished watching AXN's CSI. Did Ray Langston*** just got stabbed?! With a broken frame?! By a nutcase? Whose briliant, by the way. I love his character in Heroes. He (Nate Haskell, the character in CSI) can really give Hannibal Lecter a run for his money.

*** He can never replace Grissom. I really LOVE Grissom's quiet confidence and intellect. He is always calm and collected and very perceptive. Not at all live Horatio, but I'm running of the path here. Heh.

Broken hearted girl....

Just had a discussion with Hubby.

He totally disagree with my business plan. What a bummer! I worked hard on establishing the right mind set for this business and he'd just shot them dead. :(

It started out as a casual conversation actually. A passing remark to him as he was preparing to head out to his usual hang-out spot.

Me: "Mmm..Abg, nak kuaq dah ka? Tlg ble? Amik duit dr akaun Bank Islam & masuk dlm Maybank."
Him: "Nak buat apa?"
Me: "Nak bayaq order coklat raya."
Him: "Brapa kena?"
Me: "RM1***. Saja order banyak2. Ingat nak bawak ja pi juai kat tapak pasar mlm kita dulu. Malas nak tunggu org order, lgpun org cni Anis tak kenai sgt. Takkan nak pi ketuk pintu rmh satu satu kut kan."
Him: "Mana dpt duit tu?"
Me: "Ada org bg modal. Nnt bayaq blk la modal tu."
Him: "Toksah la. Bnyk sgt kuaq duit."
Me: "Nak menega mmg la. Dulu* pun kita kuaq modal byk kan."
Him: "Toksah lah."

End of discussion.
........................................................................................................................................................................
I don't know what to feel right now.

I feel like I should just go ahead and do this business but at the same time, I kind of feel relieved. It has been hard for me to mentally set my mind for the possibility of running a business of my own. Not that there would be any actual running involve. I keep thinking of any roadblocks I might have to face. Namely, who'd take care of the boys while I'm out. This is a major concern for me because if I just take them along, how can I keep an eye on them and serve the customers at the same time? If this plan backfires, how am I supposed to pay back the loan? Other than buying bulk and selling the products directly, how else can I distribute them? So on and so forth.

A bomoh once told my Mom that I am brilliant but I am a lazy thinker. Well, guest he's right because right now, I feel nothing. I don't know what to think. *sigh*

*After I gave birth to Shahrin, Hubby quit driving trailers and decided to open up his own business. He started with a welding business but it failed. Too many orders for decorated gates and grills but not enough payment. Then, he switched to selling handbags, purses, wallets, belts and pouch bags at night markets. When KPDNHEP kept raiding whole-sellers for fake products, he decided to sell bundled clothes instead. During all these switches, I gave him my support and I even went with him, selling these products. Now when it's my turn, he turns his back on me. Damn!

My Son The Artist.

Whom has no relation whatsoever to The Artist formerly known as Prince.

A little bit of family history if I may. Hubby is a bit of a sketch artist, well, amateur actually. He just loves to doodle and draw and sketch. He doesn't really have his own style but rather has the knack to copy almost anybody. I've seen him at work many times and I am envious of his talent*. He made it look so easy and fluid.

Mostly, he'd draw cartoon characters and vehicles. His favorite? A trailer, because he drives one. Watching him draw could be mesmerizing since every stroke of the pen is fluid, every line seems continuous and each subject done so effortlessly.

And now, I think Shahrin has benefited from his father's gift. I didn't notice them before but I do now. I started him on pen and paper early in his life. The soonest he could grasp objects, I gave him a pencil. As he grew older, his doodles and scribbles looked less and less like well, doodles and scribbles. They began to take form;

A train (upside down).

Spongebob!

Robots, according to Shahrin.

A fish.

But he gets frustrated easily. Whenever he couldn't convey the image in his mind on paper, he'd cry and scream and throw tantrums. I try to help him out whenever I could but I only know how to draw stickman. If only Hubby would spend more time with Shahrin and show him the ropes, so to speak. I know my son would benefit more if Hubby is closer to him. Sigh.

*Hubby has many talents or skills; he can do welding, he can repair engines, he can do minor electrical jobs, carpentry. He's like Jack of all trades.

Jumping into it.

I was reading a friend's blog and saw a widget. I clicked on it and it was a link to a company producing chocolate. I read that day's entry and suddenly decided that I wanted in on it.

They were offering 50 spots to be agents for their Raya cookies. Registration fees were waived for the first 50, an additional RM50 for the next spot. So, I quickly contacted them and found out that there's still room. Then, I did something totally impulsive. I paid them RM120 for cookie samples and flyers and become their agent. My samples and flyers are due to arrive either on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Thing is, I haven't really thought about this. I don't know who my target clients will be or how am I going to promote these cookies. Damn!

I need to come up with a business plan for this, and fast. Raya is just around the corner.

Caiyok! Caiyok!

My Wish List.

I wish:

1- For a place of our own.
It's my own fault. I didn't ask him about living arrangements before we got married. Now I'm stuck here babysitting TB's house. At least she's moved out. Kind of. Still have to pretend to be nice to TB whenever she's here every Monday. Why can't she just stay away? Blah!

2- To be financially independent, from parents and Husband.
We were financially fine before Husband decided not to be a merchant anymore and takes up lorry driving again. Now my parents have stepped in and decided that they are going to be my official banker. Mom said that I need to accept their money since their pension money last only for as long as they are alive. Feels kind of guilty and shameful taking their money. But Mom doesn't take no for an answer. Argh!

3- To find my true self, I'm still lost.
Considering my younger years where I've achieve so many things, been so many places, seen so many people, nowadays are monotonous. I don't know me anymore. I'm lost. I feel like I've lost the best part of me and I don't know where or how or when it happened. I'm sad. Waah!

4- For a better lifestyle for my children.
I didn't really thought about it but my sons are not getting the best in life. Mom was right when she said my sons are poor compared to their cousins. and it hurts to have that thrown at you. This is one of the reason why I don't really fight for the right to visit my parents much. I do miss them but I always feel like I have to defend myself whenever they bring up my current situation and how sad they feel about it. I know they only want the best for me but I need to do this on my own. I do provide the best that I can for my sons, except that my 'best' is not up to par with my siblings, according to Mom. Urgh!

Some people say, "Be careful what you wish for!" and I have first-hand experience on this. However, these wishes are not selfish, thoughtless nor self-serving. These are my plea to the universe, to GOD, to make my life more meaningful because I don't really have time to make a vision board like Oprah.

This is it!

I did it!

I have officially joined the blogging for money community.

Maybe future entries will be consciously edited to fit this profile or maybe I'll just blog about anything I want.

Hmm..somehow, this is not how I expected to feel about blogging.

Well, it's already late.

Time to hit the hay.

Tomorrow would be a lovely day.

Blogging for money...

I just found the most interesting webpage! I think I'll be spending a lot of time clicking there and hopefully gain more info about blogging (as a passion) for money (purely elementary, My Dear Watson).

However, I do feel like I'm waaaaayyyyyyy behind in this whole blogging business. Seems like there's different sets of methods/techniques you can apply to achieve whatever your goal for your blog is.

Me? I blog because I needed to vent out, maybe now I can change that to vent out and get money doing it. *pondering*

Nahhh.

My blog posts (at another blog site) have mostly been hate letters, angry rants, disappointments and some not so negative entries. Oh, and updates on my first son. Now those were entries I cherished to this day.

Anyway, maybe I can maintain 2 blogs for different purposes. Will look into it soon. Right now, my second son is up from his nap and it's time to play.

Nanny 911

I had the opportunity to watch NTV7's Nanny 911 tonight.

It was an eye opener.

Or rather, it solidifies what I've personally known but just didn't really want to think too much about. My parenting skills SUCKS, big time!

Without going into the details regarding the show, I would just like to remind myself of these points:

1 - Yelling, screaming, loud voice: is not a good way to communicate to a child. However angry I am with my children, I HAVE TO control myself. Shahrin has picked up on this bad trait; whenever he gets frustrated, angry or plain cranky, he'd scream, yell or act out. Hopefully, this bad behavior can be fixed, starting with me.

2 - Hitting, pinching, slapping hands: is not a good way to discipline a child. I have to come up with better ways to discipline my boys. I don't want them to think that it's ok to be physical if you don't get your way.

3 - I need to reconnect with Shahrin. I've kind of put him second after Nazrin in every activity. He always have to wait for his bottle because Nazrin is breastfeeding (although he always, ALWAYS asks for his bottle right when I'm BF Nazrin). I always scold him for being rough with Nazrin even when it's Nazrin who's bothering him.

4 - I need to be more open with my children. Shahrin is such a sweet boy, he listens to me, most of the time, he helps out when I ask him to. So, I don't have to be frustrated with him just because he takes 5 minutes deciding what he wants to play on the computer while I'm rushing him just because I want to watch TV.

There's more, but the most important lesson I've learned watching that show is my sons will pick up on my behavior, so I have to behave!

PEACE BE UPON YOU.....

Wow,

A new home for my thoughts, rants, insecurities, hope and everything else.
Just trying out this new space, getting the feel of it.

Might do a post later about my insecurities. Way to start a new blog, huh?