Shahrin's latest doodles.

I had a great day today. Felt so liberated and energized. Don't know why but loved it. Hope this feeling continues.

Anyhow, Shahrin's been doodling and I've been snapping pictures of them. Enjoy!

I took the test!

I love watching The Oprah Winfrey Show.

I found that she covers just about every topic there is on the planet and some of them have been very useful and eye-opening for me. Though I don't quite like her one-on-one interviews because they are mostly about celebrities or VIPs, you know, things that don't really matter to me, but I watch them anyway.

Recently, I watched the show where she had Dr. Robert Holden, a Happiness Expert over and there were a bunch of individuals who were asked to rate their happiness. Looking at just their physical appearances, I did some personal ratings myself. At the end of the show, Oprah revealed each persons' happiness ratings. Was I wrong about my personal ratings, based on appearances alone. I found out that people can really be great actors/actresses when it comes to presenting themselves to the world. Although some people really do look the part (i.e dejected, forlorn, sad) others can seem so outgoing and full of energy, yet feeling down in the dumps. I think I'm somewhat in between, some days I show my feelings, other days I can look happy and smiley yet suffer silently inside. A hypocrite, that's who I am.

Mostly, what I learned from that show is that I have a 'destination addiction' syndrome. In the 5 years of being married & living with Hubby's mother, all I could think of is moving out and having our own home. I kept thinking that if only we have our own place, I'd be happier. If only I have my own money, I'd be happier. If only TB goes away, I'd be happier.

I am happy, to some level. I truly am grateful and thankful for my two sons. I love Hubby very much, though I could easily bang his head with a frying pan. I appreciate all the help, support and love my parents and siblings have given me. I am happy I still have friends who listen and be there for me, though they all live far away.

BUT.

There's always a 'but' surrounding my current happy state.
I love Hubby but he rarely shows his appreciation for all the effort I put into making our living situation better. Granted, he doesn't really care about what has been going on between me and TB (his mother). And I KNOW that I have let her be the controlling factor in my happiness. I let her make me feel unhappy, thus the wish to move out. But, even when she's not here, her presences surrounds me, choking me, dragging me down.

I love my parents but there's only so much they can do. Even with their intervention, Hubby still wouldn't move out. And I let him make that decision for me. I tried begging, threatening even asking for divorce (out of desperation, I really HATE TB!) but he, being the silent type that he is, just kept on doing his stuff and leaving me to deal with everything else.

Well, I am learning. I am building up my courage. I will try to find my happiness. After all, it is not a destination, it is a journey. I'm going back here to find out more about how to change my predicament. And I have to stop blaming everyone else when it has all been my bad choices.

Random thoughts for the day. #2

I used to be a firm believer of the adage "IGNORANCE IS BLISS"

Truthfully, I still do sometimes.

Not knowing gives me a sense of security over things I don't have any control over. I mean, why worry about something that's still so far in the future? Or suffer a headache over small matters like Shahrin's stained teeth due to lack of brushing? Well, that last part was preventable but, you get my point, right?

Some people may have a plan for every aspect of their life, from work to personal to mundane everyday routine. Me? I just roll with what ever strikes my fancy for that moment. I might be industrious one day and a complete cough potato the next day.

However, I am also discovering that ignorance can bring trouble too. Not knowing can prevent you from taking the appropriate action to rectify the problem. Not knowing can also make you feel helpless and vulnerable. Like the way I am feeling now. I don't know what my future will be like and based on my current situation, it doesn't look good. The problem is, I don't know what to do.

"You need to know who you were to find out where you are going"
(a snippet from Heroes)

"Forget the past, look forward to the future"
(not sure where I heard this one, though)

These two sayings practically contradict each other. And I am guilty of doing the former a lot. I keep thinking of my past achievements, past success and confidence which have deserted me of late. I can't let go of the past and I don't know what to do about the future. I don't know how to use my past to help my future.

I need help. I need to change.

What a week!

Every time I have something to write about, there's always something else that needs to be done. Plus the boys just wouldn't leave me to blog in peace, especially Nazrin. The moment he sees me turning on my PC, he'd come running with arms out for me to lift him up. Then, he'd BANG! BANG! BANG! on my keyboard much to my annoyance. Or Shahrin would saunter by and plead to play his usual games. And the excuses goes on and on and on....

But now, both of them are sleeping and I find myself....clueless. *sigh*

Anyway, I've been busy reading and rating away at ReadBud. My current earning is $12.84 and I still have a lot more reading and rating to do before I can claim my money. However, I do feel a little apprehensive about this, I keep thinking that this service is a scam and I'm going to find out that by the time I can finally claim my $50, the webpage will be gone, POOF! Well, crossing my fingers hoping that this is a legitimate service and I'd be able to set up a PayPal account and claim my payment. I can't wait!

Then there's the proofreading job I had just finished on Saturday. Although I had finished it earlier, I had a hard time finding the balance between household chores and anything PC related (blogging, proofreading, reading and rating, FB-ing and etc) due to changes in schedule during Ramadhan. I used to spend time in front of my PC at night, after the boys have gone to sleep. Nowadays, my PC time has been cut short and I had to steal a little moment here and a few minutes there during daytime in order to use my PC. Anyway, thanks to Abg Chaop for giving me the opportunity to proofread his journal paper. Hope you are satisfied with my work.

And last Thursday, we were informed that Hubby's father had been in an accident. Luckily, he only suffered minor injuries and had just been released from hospital this morning. But what I need write down here is what had happened during last weekend after we got that news. Hubby was still tired from his current work trip so we decided to visit his father on Friday. Being me, I thought that we would be going bright and early Friday morning, so I rushed through my household chores, making sure that everything would be finished by the time Hubby wakes up. The hours crept past morning and I told myself that we could still make it for the afternoon visiting hours, so back to more chores. Hubby kept on sleeping by the way. But when 12pm went by and he still kept snoring, I lost my temper. Fasting or no fasting, I really lost it! If it had been my father, I would have DEMANDED that we visit him right after we got of the phone.

Needless to say, my temper had no effect on him at all. Hubby just calmly told me that we can still go during the evening visiting hours. He then got up, showered and got ready for Friday prayer. Well, seems that I got my 'knickers' all tied up over nothing from his point of view. Although his calmness and patience are his better assets, sometimes I just feel the need to hit his head with a frying pan.

The next few days were spent going to the hospital and visiting Hubby's siblings (whom by the way, came all the way from KL, even from N9 to visit their father). Since he was so nonchalant about his father's condition, I went on my own, with the boys, off course. Hopefully, Hubby's siblings would not judge either him or me for our lacking presence.

There, this post should cover the last week of not posting. Have to go prepare our breaking fast meals.

Quiet moments.

I love being a mother.

I love nursing my babies.

I love waking up beside them.

I especially love the time when I have some quiet time to myself, like right now.
Shahrin is off to preschool, Hubby's off to work, Nazrin is in lala land and I have this moment to reflect on the joys of being a mother.

Being a SAHM, I get to nurse my boys whenever they want to and I LOVE IT!
Well, there are times when I feel like tearing my hair out because their timing just sucked, but...

Cuddling up to them, running my fingers through their soft, curly patch of hair, watching their big round eyes as they watch me watching them, just lightly squeezing their tiny little fingers, pinching their faces, tweeking their noses then their ears.
GOD, I am so blessed.

Shahrin (who also drinks from his bottle) stopped his recreational nursing the day I gave birth to Nazrin. That's a whole 2 and a half years of doing the above activities. And Nazrin just pick up nursing right after Shahrin. So, I have been pumping milk for as long as I have these two. Talk about milking the cow, eh?

It pays to be nice.

A cliche: WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

Why have I stated that cliche? Well, mostly because it's true and partly because I don't know any proverb that reflects the Malay language's proverb of "Buat baik dibalas baik", maybe, "Do onto others" or is it "Don't do onto others"?

Anyway, I took the boys with me to Bagan Serai's Ramadhan Market this evening in search of kerabu (salad?). Haven't have this delicacy in a very long time, so I risked Shahrin wanting to pee while we were there and Nazrin's cranky mood. I braved the crowd with Nazrin in one hand and Shahrin holding the other. It was still early when we got there and there was only a thin crowd, buying their food of choice, so we were able to move around quite easily.

Just as we were nearing the end of the market and about to turn around, I heard someone calling me. It was someone I know from when we were selling bundles, though I only know her in passing. She has a kueh stall at the place where we usually put up our bundle stall and I'd always buy breakfast from her. We chatted and exchange 'husband stories', you know, the usual girl talk. Today was no different, even though we haven't seen each other in a very long time, she saw me and right away called me over to give my sons some doughnuts. She has opened a kueh stall at the Ramadhan market too.

While we were chatting, Shahrin suddenly yelled out, "I need to pee!". I panicked because knowing Shahrin, his pee can't be contained very long. As I was frantically looking around for a place for Shahrin to pee, she offered to take care of Nazrin. Thankfully, I handed him over to her and rushed Shahrin of to a nearby shop. Luckily, the girl at the shop remembered me and allowed us to use her toilet. We had frequented her shop before and I always made small talk with her. After Shahrin has finished his business, we went to pick up Nazrin. We said our goodbyes and continued on our/my quest to find my kerabu.

As we were passing a beverage stall, Shahrin began to point at their watermelon drink container and demanding a drink even when I told him no. Seeing no way to avoid an all out tantrum, I gave in, after all, one packet of the drink is only RM1.00. As I was handing the money over to the stall owner, I found out that it was another person I know. He declined the money saying that it was free. Thankfully, I took the drink and left after making small talk with him.

So, in one day, I was blessed with a lot of help and free food from people I have been nice to. If I haven't known these individuals and been friendly with them, I would have been in BIG trouble.

There you have it folks, "SMILE AND THE WORLD WILL SMILE WITH YOU"

The power of the internet.

I had an early night last night.

At first, it was business as usual; getting online after dinner and when the boys have hit the sack. But just as I was reading the article on ReadBud, Shahrin called. He wanted a cuddle so that he can go back to sleep, so I laid down beside him and gave him a back rub.

The next thing I remembered was hearing chicken crowing in the distance. So, I got up believing that it was still early and nearly time for 'sahur'. As I headed out of the bedroom towards the bathroom, I saw the clock on our Astro decoder. Oh My GOD!

Guess what? It was already 6.30 am, not 4.30 am. I woke up too late, Sahur was already over. :(

So, with a heavy heart, I prayed my Subuh prayer, woke Shahrin and Nazrin up and gave them a bath. Made breakfast for them and got them ready for the day. During all that time, I kept thinking I should just take a bite and not fast today since I didn't have sahur, but luckily I didn't.

After sending Shahrin to his daycare, I came home and tried to do some housework but my heart was not in it. So, I went online and read a friend's blog.

She posted about Ramadhan and about fasting for a full month last year. And I remembered that I managed to fast the whole month of Ramdhan last year too. So, I made up my mind to fast today, even without having sahur. Thank GOD I did because at 7.33 this evening, I got to break my fast and completed my 2nd fasting for this year. Alhamdulillah.

Lesson of the day: when in doubt, go online, you never know what inspiration you can find that day!

Thanks Adik for that post! You saved my fasting.

As promised..

I promised I'd do this post, but sorry it took me so long, just couldn't find the time to blog. *sigh*

1. Raya chocolate sales.
Last week a friend who is helping me sell my chocolates ordered 2 containers of chocolate almonds. So, I went there to give them to her while at the same time picking up my order for cupcakes from another friend. I ordered the cupcakes for Shahrin's birthday 'party' to be held at his daycare center. I made that order because I know that I'm going to get paid for my almonds. And it was a great feeling, buying something for my son with money that I earned. Although it was a little too early to 'celebrate' my first sale, I just felt good about it. I've made a few more sales this past week but the buzz from the first sale is hard to live up to, heh. Now that Ramadhan is here, I'll finally be able to implement my plan for direct selling. Wish me luck.

2. Shahrin's birthday party.
I took some pictures of the cupcakes I bought for his party but they're still in my handphone. I haven't had the time to transfer them to my computer yet, so you'll just have to be patient, ok. I'll post them as soon as Shahrin is at daycare and Nazrin is taking his nap.

3. The 'Stay at home Mum' status.
My mother is still on my case about this status. I never really consciously made the decision to be a SAHM. It just happened. I was in the midst of completing my MSc when I found out that I was pregnant. Then, I had an early delivery at 33 weeks gestation, which means Shahrin was born premature. He was put under observation and had some complications. I managed to finish my thesis amid the hospital visits, the traditional medicine my father sought, Shahrin's constipation problem and moving in with my hubby's mother. Life was crazy in that 2 earlier years with completing my study, coping with Shahrin's medical problem and TB*. After I finally finished MSc, it felt like a HUGE burden of my shoulder. Then came the long wait for job interviews, which sadly were non existence even after I had sent out lots of application to various universities and colleges. While waiting, I basically just went with hubby wherever he goes for his bundle sales. It was hard at first but the night market life just rub off on me and I grew to like going out on these trips because I get to meet a lot of people as well as mingle with the other night marketers.
So, it wasn't my intention to stay home and take care of my child but it was more kind of going with what life has given me. I have been given the opportunity to care for my children and although at times I feel like going crazy, it has been a blessing. The only downside to our current situation is that we are financially unstable. My parents have stepped in and given me monthly allowance (oh the shame!) for me and the boys, to buy groceries and stuff while hubby's paycheck goes to pay the bills. When I first got the Maxis broadband, I thought I could easily find work online and our money problem would be over. However, I am learning that even online opportunities doesn't go boom overnight. I am trying to be patient and be more creative about my searches, hopefully my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow will materialize soon.

4. Normy bluweekk duduk no.4 sebab kalau letak nombor 1 takut orang tak nak baca blog ni dah, hehe.

Going crazy about ReadBud!

Sorry Adik, but my entry will have to wait a little while longer.

If you have noticed the big, glittery banner on top of this blog, then you have found my latest craze.

I have registered with them to read, rate and get paid. Oh, I am loving this one. I get to read articles according to my interests and rate them AND get paid to do so. Well, technically, I have not reach the 50 dollar mark yet, so I am not eligible for payment. But still, some of the articles that I have read were very informative and useful for my plans. In a way, I am multitasking (love this word, shows people just how competent you are, heh); researching, learning and earning while at the same time, looking after my sons. Whew!

I have also discovered quite a lot of interesting crafts blogs while blog-walking. Hopefully, by reading these blogs, I can rediscover my love for crafting and sewing. My plan would be to execute some of the ideas presented in these blogs and then sell them here, through the night market or through friends. We'll see how this one goes.

As for the post that I promised Adik, maybe I can get it done tonight when the boys have hit the sack. Right now, I have to rescue Hubby's badminton racket from Nazrin before it snaps.

Just a trailer for my up and coming entry.

1. News on my Raya Chocolate sales and how I feel about it.

2. Shahrin's first (FIRST!) birthday celebration.
- My poor son, it took me 4 years to finally celebrate his birthday, heh.

3. My feelings on the SAHM status.
- I found a few ladies who are just like me, and felt somewhat relieved that I am not alone.

4. Normy bluweekkkk.. :p