Being a woman; mother and wife.

For full text, please go here

p/s: Notice how I've finally figured out how to 'print-screen' a page I like?  

Totally lame, I know but I'm a slow-learner heheh

First of all, I think I've made it known here that I hate TB.

Now that I've establish that, I have to inform you that TB's back, permanently, in my life again!

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Last year when I wrote this, I really thought that TB would no longer be a thorn in my side,
at least not as pesky a thorn as she was 4 years back.
Back then, I didn't write down my #1 freedom.

Honestly, it's freedom from TB.

After our HUGE fall-out close to my due-date (preggy with Nazrin at the time), I kept
pestering Ahmad about moving out and renting a house for our family.
He did nothing about it even after his biological father stepped in and tried to convince him to
move us out of the current house we're living in; read: TB's house.
This parental intervention was also joined by my parents, who offered to pay for our rent
if he agrees to move out. As it is with Ahmad, he didn't say YES or NO.
He just maintained a stony silence with all parties involved in this drama.

To cut a long story short, while I stayed with my parents a month before giving birth to Nazrin & during confinement afterwards, TB told Ahmad that we can stay in that house because...

She's moving out!




That, ladies and gentlemen, was my FIRST FREEDOM for last year.
She moved to Taiping, staying with her other adopted son who is working there.
I was free of her presence for at least 5 days a week.  
She always come back on Mondays to attend a micro-financing meeting here.
I can manage the smaller percentage of her presence and could breathe a sigh of relief during her absence.

Unfortunately, as of yesterday, it has been confirmed that
TB IS MOVING BACK IN!!!!!!
Why? Because she wants to help with Shahrin and Nazrin.


ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH


This sad news was delivered to me by our neighbor, who is a good friend of TB's,
so she knows all the current gossip regarding TB.
I could have cried, right there and then but as we were standing there in front of TB's front door,
I saw her car coming into the driveway and I excused myself from the neighbor and went inside my room,
to scream into the pillow. 


So, what's the connection of all this hoolaabaloo with the link above?
Well, as I read this, I realized that each one of the points stated there are right.
I can relate with every point as I am now all of the persona stated above.
 I am mother and wife now.

I feel, experience, lived through and currently going through all the possibilities written in it.

But, if you read through No.6, I need you to know that I have been stupidly contemplating the D-word
even though I love Ahmad so much, it hurts.
Just because he wouldn't move out of that house.

At the peak of our fight regarding my hatred for TB (he knows how much I hate his mother) and his stubbornness about staying there, I did tell him that I would consider the D-word if this problem wasn't resolve quickly.
He stormed out of the house, didn't come back till around 2am and didn't speak to me for the whole week.
But he did finally allow me to go back home to my parents during my pregnancy with Nazrin.
A small reprieve but at least it got me out of that house and away from TB.

But how long do I have to suffer TB before I finally break?
How will I know that our love will still be strong, with this problem hanging over our heads?
Can I still stay with him when he wouldn't even consider moving out?

As for the last part, No.7, I am thankful for having tears to cry just because
I AM A WOMAN

A summary of incidences..

Wow, it's been a long time since I last posted something here.

Work is still at the trial-and-error phase though my office-mate cum partner-in-crime has been really understanding and great at showing me how to do things here. Even though we are almost 10 years different, age-wise, I think she is very much more mature than I am. She delegates wisely, stayed cool when we were swamped with completing tender proposals and always ready to answer my questions regarding our company.

The past weeks has been about learning my way through the intricate network of documents pertaining our company's service-business. I updated the list of outside workers (those working at the site) plus their current contracts and their updated salary. Other than that, I mostly assisted my office-mate with day-to-day workload.

Then, we were hit with tender proposals upon tender proposals. We've completed 10 tender applications (my first experience with completing tenders) just yesterday and our boss had just brought in 10 more tenders. *gasp* Each one as thick as a Webster dictionary, maybe even more. 2 of them are due by the end of the month while the other 8 are due by 15th next month. Each and everyone of them have calculations in them, meaning we're going to be bent over the pages with a calculator by our side.

As per my side-business, I've only got one project this whole month. A friend of a friend asked me to edit 5 pages of her MSc project proposal. Unfortunately for me, on the day I was supposed to e-mail her the completed documents, the internet connection at the office was suspended due to unpaid internet bills. Duuuhhh. So, I had to improvise. I saved the document into my thumb-drive and took it home with me.

Oh, and by the way, my broadband modem is currently MIA. !waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I don't know what happened to it. Ahmad said maybe someone stole it since the day I found out that my b/band modem was missing, he said 2 of his mother's friends came over with their children. Maybe one of the children took it home with them. I myself am thinking that it could be Nazrin who loves to play games on my lappy. So, maybe that day he pulled out the modem and played with it and left it somewhere. I've searched around the house but since Ahmad's bundles are all over the place, I might have missed it. We've reported it to Maxis and the person I spoke to on the phone informed me that my b/band account is currently suspended. During this time, I will not be charge with anything and it will last 3 month. If I ever find my modem back, I'll only have to pay RM20 to reconnect my account. However, I think I need to terminate this account and buy myself a new modem instead. No internet at home is not good for me because.....

In continuance with my previous story regarding my editing project, I had to go to the nearest cybercafe in order to email my customer's document to her. I always hated going to cybercafes. I hate their dark interior, the closeness (no privacy!) of each computers in it and the worst, the noisy gamers playing online games. Not forgetting the smell of ciggies and BO and sweaty teens. Most of the gamers in these cafes are school students wasting their allowance on hours of mindless games. So, getting back to my story, when I tried to send the document through email, Yahoo! flashed me a notice. My email was scanned and deemed harmful to the recipient due to the presence of Trojan virus in my document. SAY WHAT?????!!!!    

I've never had this problem before, so I panicked. I needed to send that document that day and my email was blocked?? So, I scanned my thumb-drive (while all the noise in that CC were making me progressively uncomfortable) and found Trojan infection all over my documents. DANG!!! The only option I had was to delete all the infected files but I can't do that because most of the files I kept in there are not backed-up. Stupid, I know but I never thought something like this could happen. *buhuhu*

The next day, with the internet connection in our office still blocked, I went to see a friend in USM, I went to the MSc room and asked to use her lappy there since they have LAN. The moment I clicked on my thumb-drive's icon, her lappy's scanner flashed red. Then, it completely blocked my thumb-drive. Nothing we did could open the files in it. I was getting really frustrated by this point so I went to see another friend there who is a computer-technician. I asked him to repair my thumb-drive the best that he can and he hasn't call be back yet. I'm still waiting for him to contact me regarding my 'sick' thumb-drive. I had to call my customer and told her the unfortunate events that had befallen me. Luckily, she's a very understanding person and wasn't mad at me for being late.

Thankfully, my boss paid the late internet bill and we now have access again (thus my updating my blog heheh). I think, the virus came from this computer I'm using and it has infected my thumb-drive. I'm saying this because when I attached the documents for my customer and emailed her from here, the email went through with no problems at all. Anyways, I'm just glad that I was finally able to send her the edited proposal and get my payment for it.

Well, I guess that's about it for now.
Have a nice day, folks.

Parenting lessons much?

The following are my response/answer to each scenarios based on my experience as a 'young' (LOL) mother.

1. I have not taught my boys to pick up rubbish outside of our home yet. So far, they've only been taught to throw rubbish in the bin and not to litter around the house or outside. My only problem is with Ahmad who just loves to leave bits of plastics/wrappers/ciggy butt/ash wherever he's been sitting. I've told my boys over and over about the virtue of not littering, however, I do believe their father needs a lesson or two too. In terms of picking up rubbish outside, I think I'm going to wait till Nazrin is a bit bigger/older before introducing him to that activity. Shahrin already knows not to litter but in time I'll teach him to pick up rubbish (whenever applicable/reasonable) when we're outside.

2. I haven't been as nice as Molly with my response. Depending on my mood or my stress level for that moment, I'd either try to decline nicely and give my reasons or would just flat out say NO!. Such incidence has only happened with Shahrin as he can already understand what I am currently doing and for what. The chores that Shahrin has offered to help are to put his formula into his bottle himself, to put the sugar &/or Milo into the cup, to sweep the floor and to make the bed. Understandably, his 'help' usually is not really helpful but I do appreciate them and thank him for doing so (whenever I'm in a good mood hehe). Nazrin has yet to offer his help around the house but you can expect him to create more work for me instead hehe.

3. Hmmm...I'll get back to this part when I have a daughter. *wink wink*

4. This behavior is what always gets to me, especially when Shahrin is the one not wanting to share. I've told him over and over about the virtue of sharing and would always point it out to him when a cartoon/children's show he's currently watching, features the good thing about sharing. He sometimes would share with Nazrin but usually it's a fight fest with those 2. What I've done so far, again depending on my stress level, has been to tell him to share with his brother. I'd do this about 2 or 3 times while they keep fighting over whatever it is they are fighting over. Then, if things start to get out of hand, I'd offer Nazrin something else to play with. Sometimes it works but most of the time, Shahrin would want that one instead and I have to convince Nazrin to play with the previous toy/stuff they were fighting over. There have been times things got so out of hand, I had to remove Nazrin from the play area altogether. I'd distract him by pointing out things I see outside; i.e. chicken, birds, squirrels. Usually, it works and we'd have such fun that Shahrin would join us. From my experience, these situations usually require a 'touch and go' kind of approach. If one tactic doesn't work, then I'd use another one and another and another. Can't wait till they both outgrow this phase. *sigh*

Unfortunately, I do believe that I am not a good mother at all. My reactions have always been driven by my stress/mood level and not much thinking. However, I do make it a point to talk to Shahrin (Nazrin is currently still to little to be reasoned with :D) about his behavior and why I have to scold him for doing something. Sometimes he understands and most of the time, it's 'in one ear and out the other' but we'd always cuddle up afterwards.

Hopefully my parenting methods wouldn't do too much damage to my boys. Gulp.   

Working vs Staying at home..

Personally, if Ahmad is a working man and we are financially stable, I would prefer staying at home.

I love being with my boys.
I miss playing with them.
I miss watching TV while nursing Nazrin.
I miss Shahrin's incessant talking.
I miss my boys.

BUT

TB's home.

So, what's a girl to do but come to work to avoid any more confrontations?

Plus, end of this month I'll be getting my own, hard-earned MONEY!

Syukur, alhamdulillah...............

Just because I'm all alone at the office...

I think I should write down my beef with the current situation at home before my head explode!
I put up a happy face here at the office but since the boss is away in KL, my senior-clerk is attending a job interview and all the other on-site workers are out, I crumble.

I hate feeling the way I feel when I'm around TB. Even secretly calling her TB here in my blog feels like I'm doing something bad. 

BUT.

I really do H.A.T.E. her!

So mean of me, right?
Hopefully my BIL doesn't read my blog..heh.....
Wait, I need to turn of the radio, can't think with songs blaring through my ears.

So, why am I like this? So conflicted? Because my mom taught me better than this. She's the sweetest person ever, loved by all her ex-students (most still keep in touch with her even after so long) and she is always nice to everyone. I am normally quite nice too and polite and considerate and easy-going. Well, I'd like to think so.

BUT.

With TB, all I can feel is hatred, anger, loathing. <---See how evil I become regarding that person?

Due to past experiences, I would never intentionally be in the same place as she is; kitchen, living room, front yard. Whenever she's around, I've always restrict myself to our room. I'd only leave the room when I absolutely have to (to pee, make Shahrin's milk, attend to the boys) and I'm sure that she would be in her room instead of where I need to go. I speak to her only when I'm spoken to. I can never look at her straight in the eyes. I don't eat the food she cooked.

I hate feeling this way. 

I know that what I'm doing is wrong; being rude/disrespectful/ignoring to an elder person, especially your husband's mother (albeit she's only his foster mom) is a sin. I am aware of this.

BUT.

I can't help feeling this way.
Even Ahmad knows how much I hate his mother. He even takes me out to dinner since he knows I wouldn't eat what she has cooked. How fu*#ed up is that, huh?

BUT.

He still wouldn't move out.
How long do I have to subject myself to these emotional abuses before I can say

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!   

and do what I have to do for my own well-being? Would I be selfish if I take my boys away from their father just because I can't stand their 'grandmother'? Would I hurt myself by leaving Ahmad just because I hate his 'mother'?


She said she'd move out. I was happy for at least the 1 year that she stayed in Taiping. Now she's back.

What should I do?

Coincidence much?

Do you believe in coincidences? Or chance? Some people might call it fate.
What ever you wish to call it, I do believe in it.

Coincidence1

For example, last month I made the decision to alter quite a few of my old baju kurung. I haven't worn most of them since uni due to my 'expended' size hehe. In the past years, I only wear 3 or 4 of my newest baju kurung, limited to going to wedding receptions, Eid celebrations and official businesses. Other than that, I've only worn T-shirts/blouse with jeans or slacks as my everyday casual-wear.

The decision to send my old baju kurung  to be altered came after a neighbor came asking if I have any clothes to donate to a needy family in our area. As I went through my small collections, I realized that I could still wear most of them since they were only slightly tight as oppose to some which were unfit for me at all. Those I donated but the ones that were not as tight, I sent to be altered.

As it turned out, that decision came just at the right time. After accepting this new job offer, I have been wearing my newly altered baju kurung to work. If I hadn't done so last month, I would've been in trouble this month, office-attire-wise. At least I can wear different sets each day now as oppose to being limited to my 4 sets. 


Coincidence 2
This one has got to be the best one yet. As I started working 2 weeks ago, TB has been here just as long. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Months before I started working, TB has only ever came back on Mondays to attend the weekly micro-finance meeting with her financier. Then, depending on her schedule, she'd either stay another day or two or she'd leave on the same day. She's been commuting from Taiping-KL-Matang Gerdu all these while, with the intention to move to KL permanently has been told to neighbors, over and over. I have grown accustomed to this arrangement and felt quite alright with her being around just a few days.

Unfortunately, as of early May, when my BIL came back to live with us (he and TB rented a house in Taiping, so he can go to work easily since his office is there), she has been a frequent dweller too. Then, on Monday (30/5) last 2 weeks when she came to attend the meeting, she hasn't left. She was supposed to go to KL to visit her other child, currently staying with relatives and stay there with her. I don't know why she had stayed.

The only blessing for me is that with this new job, I don't have to face her everyday, with the exception of weekends, since I leave early in the morning and return only in the evening. I survive being in the same house with her at night by limiting my activities in the house and kept to myself in our room. *sigh*

I kept wishing TB would leave, SOOONNNN!!!!!!!!

Ahmad still wouldn't move out.


Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu.................

Being good in both worlds..

Not that I'm saying I am good at playing housewife but with my new job, the transition from being a SAHM to working-mom is quite challenging. While at work, I do my work but when I get home, I still have to perform the usual 'mommy duties' that I've been doing for the past years.

My only beef with this situation is Ahmad. I mean, when he stays-at-home with the boys, that's all he does. Stay at home with the boys. He doesn't do housework, no ma'am. Even though he did say he could do the laundry, he did such a poor job at it that I have resorted to doing them at night and hanging them out in the morning before going to work. So far, my routine would be:

                       1- Wake up, take a bath and pray Subh (6.30 - 7.00am)
                       2- Hang washed clothes/do dishes (7.00 - 7.20am)
                       3- Make breakfast or not (7.20 - 7.40am) <---- this part depends on whether or not Nazrin  
                           is up since he is usually hungry in the mornings, if he is still asleep then I'd just drink Nescafe
                       4- Heads out to work.

Then, in the evening after arriving from work:

                      1- Assess the situation at home; wash dishes/sweep the floor/pick up toys (5.40 - 6.20pm)
                      2- Play with the boys or just watch BabyTV with them (6.20 - 6.40pm)
                      3- Take a bath and perform Asar prayer
                      4- Give the boys their bath
                      5- Depending on the situation, at night I'd fold the laundry/iron my clothes/cook
                      6- Go to sleep.

Currently, my work at my new job has been pretty simple and easy. And with the boss being out most of the time, we've been keeping it cool at the office; FB'ing, listening to the radio and blogwalking while performing our clerical duties. Thanks Boss!

Well, will update more as the time goes by.

It's here!!!

It's finally here!!!
My new lappy! It's here!
Oh how I love my new lappy......
will tell more about it later bnut for now

good nite coz tomorrow i gotta go to work

6 years and counting...

My ticker counter indicates that as of today, we have been married for 6 years.

Imagine that...6 looooongggggggggg years.......

Has it really been this long?

Man.....

Right now, today is just like any other special day in our married life.


uneventful.

Just my 2 cents.

Read more here

My heart goes out to her parents, especially her distraught father. To go from one funeral straight to his own daughter's funeral must have been mind-boggling. Personally, I don't really blame him for forgetting about his daughter. As it is the nature of 'forgetting', you just don't know when your forgetfulness might hurt yourself or your own. Nobody wants to be forgetful nor do anyone wants to forget important things. Granted, forgetting important dates; anniversary, birthdays, weddings, are not as heart-breaking as this story but some people still sulk over such petty things. But forgetting about a child; in the car, at the park, home alone, some people might consider these to be unforgivable, unacceptable, even.

More similar cases of child left unattended in cars: The Times, WESH, AmandaBeck.
Apparently, such cases are more widespread than we'd like to think: Kids in Cars

I first got exposed to this problem after I watched an Oprah show dedicated especially to a case similar to this one. I couldn't find the link to this particular show but if you click on the above link, you can read more about it.

Why?

How?

Who's to blame?

As observers, we can easily place the blame on the parent who had unintentionally left their child in the car. We can as easily say bad things about them, curse their stupidity; what kind of parent (mom/dad) leave their child in a car like that? But what if it happens to us?

Right now, all I want to do is educate myself better about such dangers and try, try my best to protect my sons from such tragedy. May ALLAH protect my family always.