Life's purpose?

-Que Sera, Sera by Doris Day-

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be. 

I think, growing up, all I ever know is that I am supposed to be someone special and important.

Nothing is more important than education and school came first.

Not only that, I was also active in school competitions, from primary till high school.

Even while doing my matriculation, I kept being active and got involved in quite a lot of 

extra curricular activities.

My mom made it clear that both she and my father would do their best in providing us with everything we need, all they want in return is for us to study hard and get good results.

I think I spent 80% of my growing up years, my youth and a part of my late-teens at school/university.

School holidays were for joining school camping trips or motivational camps or attending competitions or extra classes for the 2 big exams; PMR (lower secondary exam) and SPM (higher secondary exam). 

Even during my undergraduate years, during short public holidays, my mom told me to stay back or return early to the dormitory so that I could study better as opposed to staying at home.

I missed quite a lot of family time because of this. 

The point is, I am starting to realize that all these years, my priorities had been my parents' priorities.

They set the goals and aims.

I was just following orders.

Now that I am married and no longer under their wings, I am LOST.

Because I have no focus nor purpose in life.

Somehow, I don't know whether to feel depress or feel elated for finally acknowledging this fact.

All this while, I have only focused on what my parents want from me.

These days, my only focus is for the boys and Ahmad.

My purpose in this family is to care for them and provide them with the love and support that they need.

BUT.

What about me?

What purpose do I have for me?

Take away the boys and Ahmad & I'll be left with nothing.

I envy people who know what they want and strive to achieve it.

I wish to be the person my mom painted me to be.

It'll be ok, everything will be fine.

I know I will be fine.

Because I have my whole lifetime to find out.