Who knew?

I am still feeling the aftermath of the month long translating project.
I already have 2 new projects but these past 2 days have been used to tidy up the house & catch up with laundry, especially the folding part of it. I have been browsing around bloggosphere and have found a few organizing ideas that I want to try. I have also been catching up on my sleep heheh that is to say, I catnapped when Khairin does during the day.

There is also 1 thing that's been bothering me & I can't shake it off. I thought I could but it kept coming back & crowding my thoughts. It has really caught me by surprise & I never thought that it could happen to me. It's like being sucker-punched except I don't know how that feels like. er..

Who knew?

It has taken away my excitement with Shahrin's coming off age. We should be preparing for next year when he has to attend public school. Wow..how time flies, he's 7yo already...my first-born will be going to school for real next year *tears*

But that thing is making me feel so low & down in the dumps. Ughhh...gotta shake it off!!!!

Money, money, money, money...MONEY!

Yes, today I'll be talking about MONEY. Can't live without them...

But before that, I just wanna say, "I have FINALLY submitted my month long translation project!!!!" YA!!!YA!!!!!

err...alhamdulillah...hehhe

I managed to stick to my plan of translating 5 pages per day and I made it! It was such a relief to be able to email the translated document to my client and inform her that I have finally finished. 

I email her the document around 3.40pm and I simply crashed. 

I managed to keep myself together for the past weeks; staying up late (the only time I can really focus on my translation job without having 3 sets of hands clinging onto me, 4 if you count Ahmad hahahha) and waking up early, completing my usual household chores and stealing a few minutes to translate. But today, I completely ignored ALL housechores, except for those scrawny kids off course..can't forget them! heheh..and I focused on finishing the final 3 pages + proofreading the whole thing, you know, for typos, grammar etc..

Afterwards, when the file is already emailed, I planned on picking up the slack & settle cleaning up the house BUT when Khairin wanted to nurse, I simply clocked-off beside him. I woke up only because my mom called at 6.34pm. Right now, the sink is full with dirty dishes and I have 3 piles of dirty laundry to go through but I am cool with that because I AM FREE!!!!! hahahha

Ok, back to the topic at hand. *Ahem

I am really lucky to have been raised as a middle-class child who never sat foot in a KFC till she was already 15 years old, even then it was because her friends (from her boarding school) dared her to, hahah. A child who was never allowed frivolous foods such as candy, carbonated drinks, crackers and chocolate bars while she was growing up and now she would still feel a little self-conscious and guilty if she does buy any of these foods because she is still scared of her Baba, hahaha. 

I am fine with my present life these days, when other 'people' do not intrude on the somewhat 'tranquil' balance Ahmad & I have right now. We may not have a lot but we have been living on what we have and for us, these are enough. Yes, I do want a better life for my family but as Friar Tuck say, "The LORD works in mysterious ways" (you know, in Robin Hood, the one Kevin Costner was in..) and so far, I think HE has given us just what we need, when we need it. Alhamdulillah, we have never been so dirt-poor that we don't have anything to eat, we may only have enough to eat fried eggs but then again, Ahmad is not a picky eater, hehh. We do enjoy eating out at KFC, Pizza Hut, McDonalds every now and then but we are fine without. 

Even when we both are unable to bring in any money; I don't have any projects & Ahmad's bundle business slows down because of the weather, we are so lucky to have family members + my parents who give us loans except for my parents off course, they never ask for their money back. I am thankful for my safety nets who are always there for me.

For the past weeks, while I struggle with my translation job, Ahmad took up the slack, alhamdulillah. Since I haven't been able to accept any other translation/proofreading/writing projects because of this big project, I couldn't provide my family with anything. But as I said before, ALLAH provided us with more work for Ahmad instead. He has began to get a lot more welding projects, which ironically started when I got this big project. This month alone, Ahmad completed 4 projects; awnings, 2 door grills and a parking-area-tent and he has 3 more projects lined up. 

So, technically, we have never been poor because ALLAH still provides us with just what we need. Sure, we may never set foot in Legoland, Nusajaya, Johor or see what the hoolaabaloo is at i-City, Shah Alam, but as long as my kids have food to eat, clothes to wear and all-day-cartoons to watch, I am thankful.

P/s: This is not my 'one word' end of the year post. Will do that soon, though.  

BM entry: air tangan Ibu?

Dah 2 3 hari memasak. Tetiba macam rajin walaupun hakikatnya aku banyak keja.. 81 mukasurat nak kena translate masuk English..target at least 5 pages per day tapi tau saja la kan..dengan anak2 ni, nak dapat 3 pages per day pun susah :(

Dah la tadi dapat call dr client, Big Boss dia review ada 1 file yg aku dah siap translate & email kat dia. Benda ni nak kena translate ikut lingo perundangan..cek mana ada background law, so ada la dia tegur word choices yang tak on par dgn lingo law. So now, aku punya momentum dah down sbb asyik doubt myself. Buat sikit then rasa mcm salah plak..baca balik ayat2 yg dah translate, click kanan tgk synonyms..then baca blk ayat..dok ulang2 benda yg sama..buang masa ja huhu..rasa cam nak ngadu kat sapa2 tp tatau sapa yg boleh di call :'( takkan aku nak ngadu benda ni kat mak baba plak..depa nak tolong pun tak bleh, lgpun aku keja kat rumah, takdak makna depa nak mai cni tolong jaga cucu while aku siapkan keja aku nih... *sigh*

Harap2 malam ni dapat balik momentum, due 20hb. & plan nak siapkan by 19th, insya Allah.

Eh, nak cerita pasai air tangan kan? hahah..terbabas plak. Ok, dah tak ble fokus kat keja, meh la nak cerita skit. Aku ni kan minimalist, dlm fridge paling kurang ada kicap & sos cili ja, condiments lain takdak. 2 3 hari ni masak cara minimalist la, goreng2 ikan bilis, ikan masin, sayur kicap, buat penkek utk anak2.

Dah tu, nak mai mana ayaq tangan nya? Cuba pikiaq, macam tadi, Ahmad suh masak ja, so dia pi kedai beli 1 tin sardin. Aku panaskan minyak then terus tuang sos tomato dlm tin tu, tuang plak 1 tin air dalam tu sbb nak kuah, pastu amik sos cili, tuang sikit bagi ada rasa pedas, then amik sejemput gula & sikit garam. Masa masak tu, sikit pun tangan aku tak kena sardin. So, nak mai mana air tangan? Kacau sardin tu pakai senduk, nak rasa pakai sudu..see what I mean?

Masa nak buat penkek pun, tuang bahan2 dalam cawan penyukat, blender sampai sebati, panaskan pan & tuang minyak skit, pastu tuang adunan penkek tu straight dr dalam blender (dasar pemalas kaaannn heh), balik2 penken dengan sudip..so, bila yang tangan aku nak kena penken tu?

ISh..tak jadi keja sungguh tetiba dok pikiaq pasal air tangan nih..hahahhahahahahaha

Want vs. Need

-edited-

What I want:

1- A new purse
2- New gold bracelets
3- A new electric water heater
4- A new oven/microwave oven
5- A mixer (since I'm into baking these days heh)

What we need:

1- Bed sheets (the 3 sets I have are already threadbare, bought 6 years ago, heh)
2- Towels (same reason as above)
3- Shahrin's school uniform, beg, stationery, shoes, etc.
4- New bicycles for the big boys (a promise that needs to be kept)
5- New clothes for the boys
6- A new car battery

This list might grow in the next few days but for now, this is already a lot of stuff. I might get new bracelets or a necklace as a gift to myself.     

Facebook...oh, Facebook...

I've had my share of putting up 'controversial' status on Facebook and received mixed response to them.

These days, I'm still addicted to it (who doesn't, right? heh) but I have managed to keep my status bland and non-controversial. But usually, I just log in to see who's doing what, that's all. It's kind of anti-climatic when you have something you wish to share on Facebook but have to think 1000X before posting it.

In the end, Facebook is just another webpage I open to keep myself updated with my friends. Heh.

Ramblings of a mom/wife/who-am-i

It's kinda weird not having to type anything at all.

I've completed ALL the assignment/essay/forum/proofreading projects that came my way since October. Things were hectic for almost 2 month straight but the pay was most welcome. But, the past 2 days have been a bit, well, boring. Heh. Never thought I'd say that but after spending almost everyday in front of the computer, thinking of what to write or how to edit a sentence to make it better, you get a bit disoriented when you are in the same setting but no longer need to do the same task.

Funny thing though, while I was busy completing the projects, at the back of my mind was a constant multitude of chore list that I keep putting off till I have completed everything. Everyday, for the past 3 weeks, I'd open my fridge and think, "I'll clean this when I'm free" or whenever we have to dive into the mountain of clean laundry still waiting to be folded, I'd think, "This shouldn't take to long to finish, 1 day would be enough". Unfortunately, till today, I have done nothing. NADA..

Heheh.

But actually, I started this entry because I have things to get off my chest. I'm just gonna write them in point form coz I'm feeling lazy. 

1- I have something to say to doctors and nurses. Children get sick all the time. When they do, don't just blame the MOTHER! She certainly doesn't want her child to get sick or wait 3 days to see a doctor. What is it with you people? Why do you have to put the blame solely on ME?? Because it's easier? since I'm the only one talking to you even though my husband is in there as well? Do you really think I'd purposely let my kids suffer before seeing you if I could have done it sooner??? This BS has happen to me so many times. It's so UNFAIR! If it was up to me, I'd have taken my kids in the moment I know they are not well BUT I can't. Okey..I need help to handle the boys. Husband has to come along; to drive us, to help manage the boys but he's busy too. Just because I'm a house wife doesn't mean I have time to waste at your stupid clinic just because my kids have runny noses. Ughh...these people act as if Ahmad was not there or not in the picture and just heap the blame on me. BS!! Why didn't you ask him why he didn't take his kids in to see the doctor sooner?

2- I am getting sick of this one old neighbour of us. She has been coming around asking for this and that ever since I've known her. At first I thought, well, she's old and weak, what the heck, right? So, I just give her anything she asks and get this, she has a system for asking for things. She'd casually walk past our window (usually in the morning), take a peek in on the items on our table and would ask questions about them. There was one time when the table was full of food from the night before (my parents came and they brought home-cooked food, YAY! for my mom) and I'd just finished reheating them for an early lunch. She walked past (there's a spot for burning trash at the back of this house and she would throw her trash there every.single.day.even.if.it's.just.one.small.plastic.bag) and as usual, took a peak, saw the food on the table and immediately started asking me about the dishes. Well, since I'm such a polite neighbor, I couldn't just let her stand outside my window while we talked, so I invited her in. In the end, she went home with 3 containers full of the food she sampled while she was here. The same happened this evening. I was frying some chicken nuggets for the boys when she ambled past. She peaked, saw the nuggets and as usual, started asking about them (as if she's never seen one before) and as usual, she said could she have some for her dinner. So? What to do? I had to pack some for her and her husband. I don't mind giving her food every now and then since she's old and frail and I thought her annoying habit was age related BUT people around here has been telling me that she's been that way since forever. She's been perfecting her M.O. since her 20's, who knows? But what to do, right? We're Malays and we are friendly, polite people, so I can't say NO to her when she comes by next time. 

3- This one is positive, promise. I was nursing Khairin the other day, it was noon and the older boys were making noises about being thirsty. I jokingly said, "No, today is my day off!" and you know what Shahrin said? He said, "You can't have a day off, you're a mother!" to which we both laughed. I swear this is not just something I write ok, Shahrin actually said it like that. Hahahah...*ahem* 

p/s: sometimes, I feel proud of how he quickly picks up the correct way of saying things in English but there are times when I feel like I've let him watch to many cartoons. heh heh heh...      

Hey there..

wow..almost a month had gone by...just like that, eh?

didn't realized i've neglected this blog for that long..but still..i had things to do, noses to wipe and tears to dry...

things are still pretty crazy these days; after nazrin's week long fever, he's still got the runny nose & he finished up 2 boxes of my 200 pull tissues in just 3 weeks! shahrin came down with fever on and off, e.g. he'd  be feverish for 2 days then gets better for about 4 days then gets feverish again..not sure if i should worry but he did vomit prior to showing fever symptoms. khairin's been like this as well, as do myself but he didn't vomit like shahrin. i was sick twice but each lasted only a day...no time for ibu to be sick...my babies need me more.. *adeh*

i've also been busy with my projects..alhamdulillah..although lately, it seems that i have assumed the role of breadwinner for this family..well, ahmad seems to be getting his mojo back so hopefully he'll re-assume this role soon..i'm tired of having to do everything around here..luckily, ahmad has taken over some of my daily chores like doing the dishes, getting the boys ready (the 2 older ones but they can manage bathing by themselves but putting on clothes is another matter as i haven't been able to do much folding & the pile is growing!) as well as hanging the laundry to dry. i mentioned to him how grateful i am when he helps me with chores & i pointed out a snippet from DIVA UNIVERSAL's "The Break Up" featuring Jeniffer Aniston and Vince Vaughn - J.A: I want you to want to do the dishes!
                         V.V: Why would I want to do the dishes?

see? and here i thought i'm the only one getting depressed over doing dishes, heheh..but lately, i do think he has changed, has gotten a bit understanding about the stuff i have to do just to keep this family functional.. plus i do have a job that pays the bills, groceries and other stuff. i'm still waiting for him to be more open about his past though..7 years of marriage is not long enough for us to truly know each other..heck, we could spend the rest of our lives together & still wouldn't know everything about each other, right?

well, got to get back to work..

p/s: i once heard someone said that she needed a wife & now, i understand what she meant, heh

ARGHHHH!!!

Okay...breath in.......................breath out........................................

Things have got to get better soon because I'm very close to pulling my hair (what little that's left of it) or throw something at someone.

Starting with Nazrin last Tuesday, then followed by Khairin and finally Shahrin just 2 days ago.
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FEVER!!!

RUNNY NOSE!!!

COUGHING!!!

PUKING!!! (okay, this one involved Shahrin alone, that one time but still......)


Nazrin is super cranky these days & just not his normal bubbly-self.
I go between feeling sorry for my sons & wanting to take their ouches away to feeling could-someBODY-come-get-these-boys-before-I-bodily-harm-myself!!!????

huh

huh

huh


Case in point: I had to do a No.2 around 9pm just now. I walked by Khairin on the way to the toilet and he was just fine, playing with something. Just as I sat down to do my business, he started wailing. Like ultrawailing..I want Ibu nooowwwww!!! kind of wail. I carried on with my business since Ahmad was around & I fully expected him to get control over things. Unfortunately, Khairin wailed and wailed and wailed till he was coughing out of breath. I couldn't take it any more so

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I HAD AHMAD PUT KHAIRIN IN HIS WALKER & PUT THE WALKER + KHAIRIN 

IN THE TOILET* WITH ME!

The things I do for my boys.
So we had a fun time in the toilet for a while hahahahhahaha lalalalalalalla

* the toilet + bathroom is huge, so that's why I didn't mind having Khairin & his walker in there. Don't worry, I was appropriately covered where it mattered :p

Being a WAHM is really stressful...

I was finally able to submit an article due 2 days ago, TODAY!, after the client repeatedly called me asking about my progress. *sigh*

I didn't mean to take this much time but it is utter chaos right now (well, technically, right now all 3 boys are sleeping! can you believe that??!) with the dirty dishes in the sink, laundry all piled up high, floors not swept... errmmm...somehow I'm getting a dejavu while writing this. It is so reminisce the months when I was pregnant with Khairin..ahakss..

Unfortunately, the only thing that's coming out of anybody is snot, snot more snot and throw in some barf too. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our household is currently under attach! At first, it was just Nazrin coming down with fever which started 3 days ago. Then, Khairin got it too, so I've been keeping up with fever medications and keeping the boys cooled whenever their temperature got too high. I was practically (still am today..my arms are cramping!!!) 'wearing' Khairin all through the day. Man! he was clingy and with the runny nose, he couldn't take naps like he normally does, thus he gets even clingy-er. Nazrin cried over every coughs and whenever his nose started running and when I asked him to take a bath because I needed to try & get his temp down. Owh...that one can sure turn on the waterworks..and he keeps asking for cough syrup BUT wouldn't eat it when I wanted to give it to him. I mean, COME ON!!! He complaints (and cries) every time he coughs then asks for the cough syrup but when I place the spoon near his lips, fully expecting him to open them, he cries so hard till he coughs and coughs and coughs and throw up.

Yeah...that's the story of my life right now.

I couldn't find the time to sit down and work on the article all day yesterday. The client has been very understanding till she couldn't stand it anymore. Hahah. But all in all, she was still very kind for making the payment even when I fully expected her to bail. Fortunately for me, so far, I've never had a client bail out on me without paying for my services. Although I know I should change the way I conduct my services which is ask for payment first before submitting the article/paper/thesis that I've written/proofread/edit. But when clients give me just a few days of completing the task before they have to submit it themselves, how can I ask for money first?

Alhamdulillah, this month alone, I made almost the highest I've gotten so far. I did have to juggle quite a number of clients almost one on top of the other but I managed. The only problem I face constantly these days is juggling between work and household responsibilities. And my boys.

Like last week, I practically had to 'import' Ahmad's step-sister to come over and look after the boys while I focus on finishing 2 articles that needed proofreading. This week I couldn't go get her since we crashed my sister's car and she's still using ours so we're car-less right now. I think I need to set-up some kind of schedule to separate my work and my household responsibilities. I normally just spend whatever minute I can grab between finishing my chores and looking after the boys to complete my projects but after the last 3 days, I think I need to be firm about my timetable. At least, if I can come up with some workable time allotments for my projects, I can request or instruct my future clients that I have a certain time-limits for completing certain projects. Then, I can estimate how long I would need for each project.

Well, I think I'd KIV this for the next time I am in trouble. For now, I need to finish writing a report for a long-term client of mine who happens to be my neighbor's niece. heh.

Sleep tight boys, Ibu's gotta work!    

p/s: I bought something totally out of character 3 weeks ago after I was paid for an article. I bought myself a handsome black chair! Soooo professional looking, let me tell you! Now I can pretend that I'm in an air-conditioned office while I work. heheh...next time I just might buy myself a nice looking office table to fit this chair. hahahahha

Looks identical enough to my chair. Isn't she pretty? Heh. I love the latticed back. 

BM entry: Malang tak sempat brek..

Salam Aidil Adha buat semua..

hari ni masih pening-pening lalat, semalam kepala aku terantuk dekat cermin-pandang-belakang (rear view mirror) keta Wira yang baba aku baru (BARU! beli tapi 2nd hand ja pun keta tu) beli untuk adik aku.

kami eksiden semalam. 7 thn kawin, semlm kira 2nd time la eksiden bila travel dgn ahmad..1st time lum ada anak2, semlm lebih berdebar sbb ada anak2 dlm keta + aku duduk depan & pegang khairin

7 bijik keta terlibat dlm eksiden kui 9lbh semlm kat KM106.6 PLUS hala ke selatan (kami otw nak blk matang gerdu dah masa tu). tgh dok laju-laju tu tgk keta depan asyik brek-brek & dah slow keta tp tetap tak sempat nak elak ke kiri (kami kat lane kanan masa tu) sbb ada keta lain tgh laju dari kiri..

3 keta kat depan tu aku tak amik tau pun sbb jauh sgt nak jalan pi bertanya khabar..tapi driver keta yg plg depan tu ada la melawat tanah jajahan & mai sembang2 dgn kaki2 tarik, pekerja PLUS & peronda PLUS yg cepat sungguh sampai..

keta Wira yg ahmad bwk remuk sebelah kanan; lampu pecah abis & hood remuk while Toyota MPV (tak ingat nama dia) depan kami tu bumper kemek skit sebelah kiri..walaupun ada 7 keta waktu kejadian, pegawai penyiasat kemalangan tu kata kira 2 kes iaitu 4 keta depan 1 kes & kami, toyota & 4wheels depan toyota tu kira 1 kes lain. sebabnya 2 keta depan kami tu sempat brek & masing2 sepatutnya selamat takde apa2 tp sebab kena rempuh dr belakang dek ahmad brek tp terbabas jgk, kemek jgk la depan belakang toyota tu & 4wheels tu bengkok skit bumper besi dia..

apa yg sebenaqnya jadi kat keta plg depan tu pun aku tatau..yg aku tau, dok nampak dah keta2 depan kami asyik brek tp sbb brek tak cukup ruang (patutnya spacekan keta dgn keta depan sebanyak 3 bijik keta, kata peronda PLUS tu) tu yg terkena jugak..

nasib baik shahrin & nazrin duduk baik2 kat seat depa sbb before tu asyik berebut nak berdiri antara seat2 depan tu..kena jerkah dgn Ibu terus depa soksek2 nangis (nazrin la tu..manja dia) & duduk elok2 kat seat blkg..tatau la apa jadi kalau depa dok berdiri jugak kat tgh2 tu masa kejadian..melayang ke depan la jawabnya..

aku plak tak pakai seatbelt tapi sempat gak peluk khairin kuat2 smbl cuba elak ke kanan takut cermin pecah kena anak..mcmana aku bleh terinstictively pikiaq mcm tu pun tatau la tapi kira alhamdulillah semua org dlm keta kami selamat..keta2 yg lain pun takdak injuries sbb ambulan yg mai singgah sat ja pastu terus blah tanpa bawak patient..so kiranya kemalangan semlm tu just libatkan keta je la..

tunggu polis trafik mai amik gambaq apa smbl tunggu baba & my adik bongsu amik dekat kui 10lbh gak la w/pun jarak masa antara kena eksiden tu dgn depa (polis ronda + kaki2 tarik + pemilik2 keta) clear jalan tak sampai 15 minit pun.. efficient sungguh, maybe sbb selalu sgt dah handle pile-up mcm tu kan..yg aku plak sibuk dok awasi anak2 (giler tepi tu ada lurah turun yg agak curam sbb jadi area jambatan yg bwh dia ada jln ketapi) smpi tak amik gambaq apa satu pun..lgpun aku kan jakun skit..kamera fon ada tp sbb tak reti nak transfer ke lappy..jadi malas nak amik2 gambaq nih hahahah

then baba & adik mai angkut kami anakberanak pi IPD trafik kuala muda..kenangan gak la jap sbb aku spent 5 years belajaq kat Mad Jiwa so pekan Sg Petani tu aku kenai la..tp smlm tgk dah byk berubah..sayu pun ada..heheh..pehtu buang masa kat balai tu tunggu depa tukaq shift kui 12tgh mlm plak..sian anak2 pakat ngantuk except for shahrin yg lari sana sini mcm kena gula sekilo punya hyper dia..

mak ahmad pun mai..dia sanggup kluaq dr matang gerdu & pecut ke SP semata2 sbb ahmad call bgtau kami eksiden..padahal rmh baba aku lg dekat & depa pun dah smpi masa tu..logically, kami ikut baba la blk AS tapi sbb ahmad (dia kata mak dia yg nak mai jugak2..ntah la) nak blk cni jgk, so blk cni la kami smlm lepas siap buat repot kui 2 pagi..bayaq kompaun RM150 ja sbb dpt diskaun..sibbaik duit ada kat tgn masa tu..

pagi td follow-up dengan baba aku..dia kata settle kat luaq ja tak yah babit insurans..esok br nak update dgn driver2 depan kami yg kami ter'cium' tu..abg pemilik toyota tu nice sgt..very soft-spoken, bini dia pun ramah ja..tgk la esok brapa dia nak bg estimate kemek bumper keta dia..harap2 tak mahai sgt..sian baba baru je rabak RM18k beli keta wira tu cash..aku nak tlg bayaq dia kata tak payah..almaklumlah dia pun dok huloq2 jugak kat kami w/pun aku tak penah mintak..malu seh nak minta2k tp mak pesan bnyk kali, 'baba bagi duit ambik ja!' so aku amik la jugak bila dia bg duit..

rasa bersalah sgt2 w/pun niat kami baik..huhu..kepala aku sakit gak ni bila pegang..semalam tak rasa pun :(

Lesson learned?

Apparently NOT!

i am my own worst enemy! *sigh*

BM entry: Kehilangan...

Pagi tadi (17hb/10 bersamaan 1 Zulhijjah) lebih kurang pukul 7.30 pagi, anak jiran sebelah telah meninggal dunia.

INNALILLAHIWAINNAILAIHIROJIUN....

Kita sedekahkan Al-Fatihah buat dia yer....
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Jiran tu dah dua kali kehilangan..kali pertama, anak dia yang sepatutnya jadi waris harta2 dia dan waris lelaki yang sepatutnya boleh jadi wali kat adik-beradik perempuan dia kalau ayah depa dah meninggal. Meninggal waktu budak tu bakal hadapi PMR plak tu. Pagi tadi plak, anak sulung dia yang dipanggil Ilahi akibat serangan asma.

Walaupun anak tu anak istimewa (dah 20tahun tapi pertumbuhan dia macam kanak-kanak ja) tapi tetap anak dan aku tumpang sedih untuk dia. Parents shouldn't have to bury their children.

Tadi, aku dah set dlm hati nak buat kerja tapi Khairin asyik terjaga ja. Dah nenen & tidoq pehtu tak sampai 20 minit dia bangun balik, nak nenen lagi. First 2 times tu ok lg tapi bila dah 3 4 kali, aku pun naik bebai. Sian budak kecik tu, Ibu marah dia...macam la dia paham..sedih sangat muka dia tadi lepas aku marah dia..Ni dia dah tidoq, aku plak dah hilang rasa nak buat keja, padahal 19hb ni dah due..aissyyy

Nyesal plak..tu la, org slalu cakap, sebagai Ibu kita tak boleh terlalu ikut perasaan & cakap yg bukan2 kat anak kita sbb takut ALLAH makbulkan. Percakapan seorang ibu tu bagai doa, kata org. Kadang2 aku sempat brenti & pikiaq dulu sebelum buat apa2 tapi selalunya terlalu ikut perasaan jugak. Ahmad ada tadi masa aku marah Khairin, baru lepas makan ikan kembung bakaq dlm oven. Maybe dia kesian kat aku (kut la heheh) or maybe sebab sebelum ni pun dah banyak kali aku bebel kat dia..so lepas makan terus dia tolong basuh pinggan mangkuk dalam sinki. Aku ni malam malas dah nak main ayaq, sejuk tangan, kebas jari dari time lepas bersalin Shahrin pun tak hilang2 lagi (6 thn dah ni jari2 aku kebas semcm..huhu) takkan nak cari pasal main ayaq sejuk2 plak malam2 kan. Alhamdulillah la Ahmad tlg basuh dah..esok kurang 1 box to tick off my to-do list utk esok.

Kadang2, sambil duduk layan anak2 makan ka, tgk TV ka (time tak bizi writing la) aku berdoa dalam hati.. "Ya ALLAH, jangan Kau ambil anak2 ini dari aku Ya ALLAH, tak tertanggung rasanya kalau depa tak dak, aku sayang anak2 aku Ya ALLAH.."

Walaupun kena marah mcmana pun, yang nak memujuk tu Ibu la jugak. Macam pagi td, masa aku bangun Subuh, Nazrin bangun & merengek nak yang tu yang ni, nak susu la, nak tidoq atas katil la (dia tidoq dlm ndui@buai) nak tidoq ndui balik la..aku ni bebai la..kang satgi Khairin jaga kalau bising2..sudahnya aku pi marah dia sampai dia lari keluaq nangis tersedu2 kat luaq bilik..dia ni Drama king sikit, merajuk guling2 atas lantai, main lari2 sana sini konon nak aku pi pujuk dia...aku malas nak layan & terus landing balik atas katil nak tidoq blk before kena bangun untuk hantaq Shahrin pi skolah. Waaa waaa budak tu tunggu melalak, last2 aku jugak yang bangun pi amik dia & peluk dia..terus diam..see..w/pun aku yg marah, aku jugak la yg pujuk..kalau aku tak pujuk pun, selalunya depa akan mai jugak kat aku nak suruh aku pujuk...haiiii la anak2..sian hangpa dapat Ibu garang..

Macam baby Adam dalam FB tu, aku slalu tak gamak nak baca update dia..tambah lagi tgk gambaq dia, nampak ja title kat status update ada Adam tu, terus aku scroll down cepat2..bukan apa..dia dgn Khairin sama umoq, beza 15 hari ja, kalau tak salah aku, dia brain damage sbb masa delivery, his oxygen supply was cut-off. Nak tau apa sebenaqnya jadi kat dia google la sendiri yer...yang paling buat aku sedih tu, Khairin pun masa delivery APGAR score dia rendah, he wasn't breathing..unresponsive..tak nangis pun..aku tak la risau sgt masa tu sbb Dr. yg mai cakap kat aku tu relax ja, like he was confident anak aku ok..lain la kalau dia mai cerita kat aku dgn muka serius or gila belabah, memang aku melalak dah la waktu tu..

Alhamdulillah, sehari ja dia kat NICU under observation. Duduk seminggu kat Hsptl Taiping pun sbb dia demam, infection maybe dr tempat depa cucuk jarum tu..Now do you see why aku tak sanggup follow FB Adam? terasa sgt mcm aku terlepas ujian yg sama..tatau la apa akan jadi kat kami kalau Khairin yg kena mcm Adam kena..Nauzubillah Min Zalik...  

 

5 reasons why I'm not a famous blogger!

disclaimer: just in case you're wondering, I'm not whining or complaining, I'm just making fun of myself heheh

1- I'm no camwhore nor do I like taking pictures. This fact is evident in the absence of pictures in my posts. Hahahha. Sometimes, when I pull out my Galaxy Y and get the camera ready to take a picture, I'd somehow would feel embarrassed and refrain myself from snapping gazillion pictures of my boys. (I'm too old & not so cute anymore for pictures plus Ahmad never wants to take MY pictures :p).

2- My posts are not very informational and just mundane. I'm not a foodie & I don't have a passion for cooking, so I can't review restaurants or post new recipes. I don't travel much, my 'traveling' only involves me driving Shahrin to preschool every morning & the occasional quick trip to the mini mart. I don't have a blogshop although I'm supposed to be promoting Bling Buubies Nursing Kurung (Damn! I knew I forgot something important).So, what's left to write about? Who would want to read about Ahmad & me fighting every other day, right? Hahah.

3- Some days  I would get stuck on how to begin writing about something for so long that the inspiration just evaporates into thin air, leaving my blog bare. Or I would begin writing and then I'd read through what I've written then edit them then edit them then edit them...you get my point.

4- I enjoy reading other people's blog too much to spend time to blog on mine!

5- Err...there's no 5th reason. Hahah.
-edited- I'm not a famous blogger becauuussseeeee....famous bloggers blog everyday or as often as they can, with pictures and how-to lists and (insert number here) things you need to know about (insert info here) and places they've been to and food they've eaten and things they're selling. Me? Err...I think I'll just maintain my usual low profile self hahah.

What if...?

Sometimes I wonder,
"What if I had gone to a different school?" or
"What if I had chosen a different course for my degree after finishing my matriculation?" or
"What if I didn't listen to my mother & insist on doing what I want?"

*sigh*

I'm currently working on writing an article for a client. While surfing the net for info, I couldn't help but think  "Thank you, ALLAH for this gift of writing". At least I do have a marketable skill that I can use to support my family. I wonder if my life would've been different if I had taken an English language-related course instead of pursuing a Chem. Eng. course.

Well, like they say, "Don't cry over spilled milk".

Back to writing......






p/s: writing at this hour does not suit me...I'm feeling sleepy already *yawn*

Busting out the bigger clothes.

I was finally able to rummage through my storage boxes this morning for 6 - 12 month baby clothes. Khairin is already too big for the hand-me-down teeny tiny new-born baby clothes. This would be the 4th time I did something like this; store away new-born/3-6 mo clothes and take out bigger ones. The first 2 times was with Nazrin, so today is Khairin's turn. I usually store away booties, mittens, swaddles and other new-born paraphernalia when my confinement period is over because I'm lazy like that. Bigger clothes for 0-6 mo are usually stored away only when my babies got too big for them. My babies are all on the smallish side of the spectrum, that's why I always wait until they really fill in their clothes (I'd still wait even if the clothes are labeled as 0-3 month but they can still wear it when they are already 5 months old) before buying/taking out bigger ones. 

Shahrin was the lucky one, he got all brand new clothes when he was a baby. Then, when his clothes began to look too snug for comfort, we bought bigger clothes for him, plus a few hands-me-down from our neighbor. I didn't know what to do with the smaller clothes at first because we didn't have any cabinet space for them. Then, I found a blog with organizing tips, from it I learned that I should keep them in an air tight container for use with future babies. So, I bought a plastic storage box and began sorting through Shahrin's baby clothes and carefully stored them in it. I didn't put any mothballs in, hate the smell but so far (it's been 6 years now) my baby clothes are well stored with no smell, infestations or decay.   

6 years later plus 2 more babies, my storage system has grown into 3 more plastic storage boxes. These boxes are stacked one on top of the other in a corner of our bedroom. It is a good storage system since it allows me to easily store and take out baby clothes (plus my preggy blouses) without having to buy new dressers plus I can save space. The number of clothes; new-born, toddler, big boy has certainly grown over the years thanks to our neighbor and our families who gave new and used clothes to us. Of course, we've also bought new clothes for Nazrin and Khairin since we didn't feel it was fair not to buy them new clothes as well.

After 3 kids, I no longer feel nostalgic when the time comes to make the transition from new born clothes to bigger ones. I didn't hold up a onesie and hug it close to my heart or place it close to my nose to sniff the baby smell on it, heh. I didn't waste 15 minutes just lovingly stroking the cute matching T-shirt and shorts with a baby lion on it. I didn't stop and stare in wonder at how tiny 0-6mo clothes are compared to 6-12mo clothes. And off course I didn't just sat there and reminisce about how cute Khairin looked in the pair of purple shorts. Heh heh heh.

     

Yaaaaawwwnnnnnnnnn.....

yawn...yawnnn....yaaaawwwwnnnnnnn....

ughhh...i'm feeling soooo sleepy right now..

my two little ones woke me up at 4.30am!!!! first, it was khairin who wanted to nurse,
then nazrin woke up too wanting his bottle...

unfortunately, nazrin who sleeps in the swing, had peed during the night and the floor was wet..
*sigh* what to do? i took nazrin to the bathroom, cleaned him up & put him in a new pair of PJs while khairin played in front of the TV

when they realized that they are both up, it quickly became playtime.... yaaaawwwnnnnn...while i had to clean up the mishap and change the 'sarung' he sleeps in..huhuhu..

can't blame nazrin though....he usually makes it through the night without any 'accidents' like today..it's been raining a lot these days as the monsoon season hits, it gets so cold even i feel like i need to pee more often..*sigh*

well, since i was already up, i waited for subuh which was at 5.54am..
just as i finished praying, khairin started bawling..he's sleepy, so off to bed little man..

this was followed by nazrin who wanted to be tucked into his swing..luckily, khairin was so sleepy that i don't have to pat him to sleep...as for nazrin, he finally fell asleep with the help of the electronic baby-swing machine my father bought earlier this year..

now, i'm left all alone...yaaawwnnnnnnn... trying not to fall back asleep since i'd have to get shahrin ready for school in (checking the clock...) 20 minutes...if i do go back to sleep..i'm afraid i'd still be in bed till 10.00am heheheh..

well, gtg...need to get shahrin's lunch box ready..

My father bought something like this, so i  don't have to swing  the swing myself

nazrin's 'bed'-look-alike 

BM entry: Apo nak dikato....

Masa mula2 daftar broadband punya la seronok sebab akhirnya senang nak bertenet, tak payah nak berebut komputer dengan budak2 beringus & memekakkan telinga kat CC. Pastu, akhirnya boleh set-up servis proofreading, editing & translating dari rumah sebagai menambah duit poket.

Bila dah ada broadband, panjang la langkah menerobos blog sana blog sini sambil kunyah jajan sambil mata jeling2 anak (masa tu Nazrin kecik lagi) merangkak main sorang2 atas lantai. Waktu tu mula nampak orang letak iklan Nuffnang, buat entry pasal cash-out Nuffnang, teknik2 nak tarik ramai readers dan macam2 lagi la. Hati ni rasa teruja bila pikir, "aku pun dah ada blog, ble la letak Nuffnang ni, mana tau ble cash-out ratusan ribu macam bloggers lain" padahal masa tu blog ada di blogdrive.com.

Sudahnya, set up blog ni semata-mata sebab teringin nak buat duit dengan jadi affiliate member Nuffnang. Ni hah entry dulu2 pasal blogging untuk duit yang pernah aku tulis; Blogging for money. Malangnya, tadi bila check akaun Nuffnang (setelah sekian lama tak jengah), ni dia hasil yang aku dapat.....

Productive day indeed.

I was finally able to persuade Ahmad to start his business going again, alhamdulillah.

We went to the market this morning and open up shop there after being away for sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long.

The last time I went along with Ahmad to the market was way back when Nazrin was only 2 years old. He is now 3. It has been THAT long. Anyway, nothing much has changed except for the vendors who were there this morning. I don't know most of them, maybe they are newbies, maybe they have been going there for the past year. But I did recognize a few of the old time vendors who we used to be tight with before we stopped going there. Customers come and go and we did receive visits from quite a number of our 'loyal' customers from back then. Well, suffice to say that we managed to get the ball rolling again with Ahmad saying that we'll be going back there tomorrow morning. YAY!! to the end of Ahmad's bundle drought. 

Since we were already at the market, I took the time to buy half a chicken and the makings of 'Kailan Ikan Bilis'. When we got home around 12, I quickly went to work cleaning the chicken and the kailan. Okay, I was only motivated by the fact that Ahmad's mother and sister were here heh & I wanted to get lunch ready before they head back to Pokok Assam (they rent a house there since Ahmad's brother works in Taiping). Konon menantu yang baik la heheh.

I fried 1/3 of the chicken and made some chicken soup with the other 1/3 and get this, I made the soup using  ingredients already prepared by MY mother! Talk about instant! She knew that I am a lazy cook, that's why she went through all that trouble of preparing these things, heh. She gave me 1 small container of chicken broth/stock and a few packets of spices that she packed herself when she came here last month. I kept the stock in the freezer and was able to use it when I made the soup just now. THANK YOU MAK!!!! Love you lotsss.... <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

As for the kailan, I sauteed some onions, garlic and 3 chilies. Then, I added a handful of anchovies and stirred them till they were a bit crispy. Finally, I added the kailan and some soy sauce. Should have used oyster sauce but I didn't have any. So, today's lunch was prepared by moi and not bought at a restaurant like we usually do. *patting myself on the shoulder* 

I'm so proud of me.

Heheheh...feel free to make silly faces at the screen now....  ~ _______~

p/s: how I wish I can upload pictures...waaaa...

Enjoying a special time with Khairin..

Khairin is in daaa hoouusseeeeee!!! WOOT WOOT!!!

heh..

my 2 older boys are out with their ayah, flying their wau at the playground. have fun kids!

i'm just chillin' with my youngest, with jamie oliver on the telly (he's touring great britain, presenting all types of food) and a paper to be proofread, while feeding khairin at the same time. talk about multitasking, eh? khairin is very vocal these days. he is babbling right now coz i'm not paying him any attention hahah. it's very relaxing when i don't have to cater to two other mini me and i intend to enjoy every minute of this time. i think khairin loves it too because now he has the whole place to himself instead of having to endure his 2 big brothers. ahmad, you need to take those 2 out more, ok?

khairin has perfected what i like to call 'the caterpillar move'. He would get up on all four, launch his body forward, land 'plop' on the floor and repeat. he has gotten quite far when using this technique. i often have to scan the whole living room area for any potential threats; sharp, poisonous, choking hazards, anything and everything before letting him roll around on the floor. that's a tall order when i have 2 other kids who love to toss their toys all over the place. *sigh*

khairin will be 6 months old in 4 days. YAY!! we've got the green light for solids from the clinic during our visit last week, so i've been experimenting with baby foods these days.

i remember that shahrin was (still is actually) the pickiest eater when he was 6 mo. but then, he had been fed solids since he was 4 mo by the babysitter & developed the worst case on constipation ever. i was busy with my studies back then and wasn't experienced when it comes to babies, so i just allowed the babysitter to do what she thought was right. shahrin was underweight at birth and didn't weight much those days, so the babysitter did what she thought would help him gain more weight. but that's in the past and i'm more experienced now, that's why i waited till i got the green light from the nurse before feeding khairin.

nazrin was the champion eater when he was 6 mo. i loved making porridge for him since he would gobble everything up and when his teeth started coming out by the time he was 9mo, he preferred non-puree food which made everything so much easier for me. by the time he was 1.5 years old, he was already feeding himself and eating food like grownups do. he doesn't mind spicy food and his favorite is fried chicken.

with khairin, i'm starting things slowly with farley's rusks, mushed bananas and boiled potatoes. so far, he seems to like the rusks and the bananas but since he is always busy exploring, i'm still uncertain when it comes to his eating schedule. what i've done so far is to feed him when he seems unsatisfied with nursing after a few minutes. after only 3 - 4 spoonfuls, he'd already lost interest in the food and wiggles off to explore the first thing that catches his eyes. sometimes he'd eat 3 times a day, other times he'd only want to eat once. well, it's still very early & very much trial and error, we'll have to wait and see how his eating habit is going to be in the next days. 

even after 2 older babies, i'm still learning. heh

p/s: if you've noticed how i've grown lazy and have ignored the proper way of writing with proper casing, then yes, you are right. i have been influenced by Syigim from how do i spell the word. just so you know, hahahah.

Being a good neighbor.

Living in this house comes with its own brand of 'excess baggages'.

Firstly, there's the woodland creatures*. We have rats (although their population has significantly dropped due to..) cats, spiders, centipedes, millipedes, lizards, not to mention a whole collection of other insects. Well, what do you expect when you live close to a forest and palm tree plantations, right?    

Then, there's also the primates which we call lutongs. They love to raid the small clusters of banana trees that grow around the area. Plus, they would sometimes rummage through the garbage pile (we don't get trash service here in the kampung areas, so we would mostly burn our trash. Except for Khairin's diapers, empty bottles, cans and other trash that should not be burnt. These would have to be thrown out at the BIG trash can  found in Bagan Serai and we usually take out these trash when we have business in town.

Finally, we have also inherited a few 'elderly' neighbors. Most of them are actually Ahmad's relatives plus a few close friends of Ahmad's foster mom.

This house is actually built on a piece of land owned by Ahmad's maternal uncle. His house sits closer to the main road while this house is a bit further down the plot. Thus, we are the closest family he and his wife has. Being senior citizens, I would say both of them should live with their children so that they can be looked after; he's blind and frail while she has arthritis and can't walk so well. Before her conditions got worse, she was the one who has to walk to the nearest shop and get all their daily essentials. Unfortunately, these few months have been hard on her since her feet started to hurt more. So, sometimes she'd come over and ask me to buy groceries for her.

   

Ahmad's uncle has had a few accidents in his house in just 2 months. He couldn't sleep well while lying down due to some complications with his lungs. So, he'd nod off quite a lot during the day, even while sitting on the bed. When this happens, he'd topple over and bash his head on the closest furniture. Last month, I drove him and his wife to the clinic to stitch up a HUGE gash on his forehead. Last Monday, a small piece of his upper right arm was torn open when he fell from the bed, again. 

Point is, I think they should live with their children rather than stay here on their own. I mean, yeah, sure I don't mind going to the shop for her once in a while or help clean his wounds every other month. BUT. They are getting older, not younger and they need better care than what I can offer. But whenever anyone suggest that they call their children to come and get them, Ahmad's aunt would say that they wouldn't want to bother their children plus her husband doesn't want to live with any of them for long. Maybe because he's already memorized the layout of his house but being in a new surrounding would be difficult for him since he's blind. 

I can only help with the little things but I believe that they deserve better than how they're living now. The other neighbors have their own problems too since most of them are senior citizens as well. So, everyone pitch in whenever they can like sending over a dish or two (except for me since, you know - I DON'T COOK hehhe) help pay the bills, etc. But I still think they need better care than what they have right now.

BM post: Kisah keluarga Ahmad

family sebelah Ahmad ni nalaaaa punya ramai. pasai pa? pasai kena amik kira adik bradik sepupu sepapat belah arwah mak dia, mak tiri dia, pak dia, mak angkat dia, pak angkat dia & mak angkat tiri dia (ok, tipu la, kami tak kenai pun sapa2 sebelah mak angkat tiri dia heh)

tapi kira ok la jugak sebab kalau nak ikut, pak angkat dia tu sepatutnya sepupu dia, sebab arwah mak dia dengan orang yang dia panggil 'tok' tu adalah adik dengan kakak & anak lelaki 'tok' tu dah lama kawin dengan mak angkat dia tapi takdak anak, so depa amik la Ahmad ni wat anak angkat.

masa mula2 kawin dulu, aku blur sungguh nak ingat sapa yang mana & apa kaitan, pehtu bila sembang2 pasai Ahmad or cerita pasai 'dulu-dulu' (zaman Ahmad kecik) jenuh la aku pasang telinga betui2 sebab waktu2 ni je la aku ble tau kisah Ahmad waktu dia kecik, kalau aku tanya dia sendiri, jangan harap la dia nak cerita..ada pun sekali ja dia cerita pasal waktu dia naik basikal dari rumah ni sampai la Bukit Merah. Serius jauh tu..mcm tak percaya ja cerita dia tapi dia kata dia ikut short-cut..cut kut mana pun aku tatau la hehe..

anyway, semalam ada kenduri tahlil hari ke-14 untuk arwah mak tiri Ahmad. ramai jugak yang pi w/pun pagi tu hujan lebat giler & ada 2 kenduri lain kat area kampung tu jugak. dapat la aku berjumpa lagi adik bradik belah pak & arwah mak w/pun tak ramai. Kakak Ahmad yang sulung dgn adik bongsu dia anak2 arwah mak (biological mom) dia ja yang balik, yg lain nak tunggu tahlil hari ke-100 baru nak balik. Adik Ahmad dengan arwah mak tiri ni ada 2 ja, yg sulung perempuan & yg bongsu lelaki. aku kagum dengan adik tiri yg perempuan tu, senang & efficient ja aku tengok dia urus rumah tu..kalau suruh aku, 2 hari lum tentu boleh buat benda2 yg dia buat dalam masa 3 jam..serius cekap buat kerja..

plus, she's very opinionated. apa yang dia rasa dia nak cakap, dia cakap ja depan2..kalau aku, jenuh la karang ayat dulu camna nak cakap..paling busuk, aku sengih & diam ja daripada cakap benda yg kut2 boleh sakitkan hati orang lain. ni la salah satu kelemahan aku, penakut sangat. kalau aku rasa tak puas hati pun aku diam ja sebab based on experience, bila aku bersuara, aku jugak yg akan kena balik, so baik diamkan diri ja. tatau la kut ada jugak orang yang akan anggap perangai aku ni cam sombong, sebab bila berkumpul ramai2 & semua orang bersembang sana sini, kiri kanan, aku prefer cari spot yg jauh skit dari orang, unless aku kenai orang tu baru aku duduk dekat2..

apa2 je la yer..tatau nak tulis apa sebenaqnya ni, nak upload gambaq pun tak lulus lagi padahal aku sekarang makin jatuh chenta dengan baking. SERIOUSLY!!! I've fallen in love with baking. Dah try buat kek coklat kukus 4 kali (ok, tipu, 2 kali kukus tapi sbb bkn pakai periuk kukus asli & banyak kali kemalangan, terus pakai oven cikai yg diwarisi dr my older sis ja), buat brownies tapi pakai instant mix tu ja, choc chip cookies pun dah try (menjadi plak tu, alhamdulillah), buat pudding caramel (1 instant mix, 1 fresh tp bnyk sgt telur jadi loya plak tekak)..teringin sangat nak upload gambaq kat sini..nanti belajaq ilmu kat Ahmad dulu lah..

so, TTFN folks!  

like a snail...

it's been 3 weeks since i last posted here..??
wow..didn't feel that long at all..but i didn't mean to neglect this blog
i'd start a post then cancel it..
i'd write a few sentences, read through them again, then delete the whole thing..

so many things to write about, mostly personal stuff & based on my experience with my last few entries, i've decided not to go through with them..

so many things are in my head right now..wish i have a pensieve like dumbledore..then i can just dispose of the ones bothering me the most & forget about them till i'm ready to face them again..yeah..wishful thinking..

Raya was a mixture of happiness and sadness.

firstly, i need to say that 24/8/12 is the day i lost my step-MIL..she was a wonderful lady..i barely had 7+ years with her & i miss her so much already :'( but she's free of pain now..May ALLAH place her among the pious..

well, this year, it was my turn to celebrate raya at my parents house. after so many years of running around after my parents who would stay at my sisters houses in selangor (one sister lives in ampang, the other lives in pandan indah), this year's raya was spent in alor star..at last! i was able to celebrate raya with ahmad & the boys. usually, if mak n baba were spending their raya over at either one of my sisters' house, he wouldn't want to go. plus, all my siblings were there & a few relatives came over to visit, so, raya was busy for my family.

that was last month..

these days..i'm just lazy..will try to find back my writing spirit..heh

With only 7 days to go..

I'm feeling a tad sad (haishh...again with the 'sad' thing...give it up why don't you??) that Ramadhan is almost over. I haven't been able to finish reciting the Quran  :(  and I was only able to perform Tarawikh only 7 times out of this almost finished month.

And right now, I'm torn between folding clothes or washing the dishes from this morning, heh.

Maybe I should make a list (pssttt..Aina, tiru u boleh? heh) so that I'll be better organized (yeah, right!)

Ok, here goes:

1- Tidy up our bundles of clothes!!!! <--------- this is my main concern since they're smack dab in the front area of the house.

2- Sweep the floor and the ceiling (spiderwebs everywhere!!!)

3- Make more choc chips cookies (more on this later heh)

4- Wash the windows

5- Tidy up outside

At least with the coming Eid celebration I'm motivated to spring clean the house. If not, it would've stayed this way forever..forever..forever...forever......

BM entry: Hati tersentuh

Sebak bila tengok seorang lelaki tua yang dah berumur 70'an bekerja gigih menjual air tebu di bulan puasa ni. Dia selalu demam tapi waktu sihat, memang tak senang duduk diam, ada saja kerja yang nak dibuat.

Rambut yang beberapa tahun dulu masih ada kehitaman, sekarang dah penuh uban.
Tangan tuanya penuh kedutan dan rekahan dek terlalu banyak bermain air.

Senyuman tetap tersedia di bibir tatkala melayan pelanggan yang tak putus datang.
Hati ini tersentuh.

Kasihan melihat seorang ayah yang pada usia itu masih gigih mencari rezeki.
Sedangkan anaknya boleh melepak di pondok sambil bermain telefon.

Sungguh.
Hati ini tersentuh.

Ke mana kasih seorang anak sehingga tidak terdetik untuk membantu si ayah?
Tidakkah dia sedar, dia juga bakal tua suatu hari nanti?

Sedih.
Hati ini menangis.

Being The Mediator..

I'm stuck in the middle of a cold war.
It has lasted almost 6 years now.

Being the only one partial to both parties, I have been or rather I
have appointed myself as the "MEDIATOR'.

Unfortunately, I'm no Kate Reed.

This coming Eid will mark the 7th year of the war.
So far, one party is willing to meet but the other party has been reluctant
whenever I try to arrange a meeting in order to resolve this stupid war. :(

I am SAD.
I have been unable to patch things up.
Just like I am unable to run my own little family.

Ugh.

Ya ALLAH, aku hamba-Mu yang kerdil, bantulah aku menghadapi dugaan hidup di dunia ini agar kehidupanku di akhirat kelak lebih baik. Jika ini adalah ketentuan-Mu, kurniakanlah kepadaku kekuatan
dan ketabahan.  

Day 15

Things are beginning to settle down a bit, alhamdulillah.
I'm finally getting into the groove..yeaahhhh...hehhe

I'm currently tackling our overloaded/overwhelming bundles of clothing items.
Asked Ahmad to make some wooden shelves like to ones from IKEA but so far, his bundles are still all over the floor. We've been needing a proper storage system since forever but financially we can't afford to buy any 'industrial' shelves. Whenever I suggested we buy some shelves, he would say he'd make some DIY since he's good at welding but that day has yet to come. *sigh*

Been feeling melancholic. Depressed. Saddened by things in my life that I have no control over.
Frustrated.

Ok, ok..enough is enough.

Heh.

To Anonymous

I've been talking to some friends regarding my 'outburst' when replying to your comments. They have advised me to not address the issue further. Ironically, I wrote that post to remind me not to let another person control my emotions but in the end, I let your comments made me angry. Heh. My bad. 


So, please let's just forget this whole emotional storm and move on to other 'exciting' things, ok? As for your reveal, I'm still waitiiinggggg....


One last thing, I just had to laugh over this question: 
7. Do you consider the incident (in this post) as once-off/acute, escalating, chronic, or reducing?


So, you a Dr? an Engineer? 


The answer would have to be that the incident was once-off but not acute. Heh.

I just knew it..

I knew I would get in trouble once I posted this entry.

I wrote it to remind myself not to let my emotions be governed by his actions but based on the comments from one reader (not sure whether all the anonymous comments came from the same person or not), my story of that day may have come across as me bashing my husband on the internet (is it, Anonymous?).

Well, truth be told, such situations only ever happen once in a blue moon but my reactions to them has varied  along the way. I will clarify more once I've made a list of all the comments on that post and do one long explanation in another post, ok.
 

Making choices..

I love bloghopping, especially blogs that have life stories. Real, everyday stories.

I found this post about taking charge of your own happiness while bloghopping sometime ago.
It certainly helped me keep my calm today. *edited to add: 'today' was 26/7, I didn't initially wanted to write this but I finally decided to write it anyway as a reminder to myself.

I had spent the entire day taking care of my family; waking up early preparing our pre-dawn meal, staying awake so that I wouldn't be late taking Shahrin to pre-school, came back home and crashed for a bit before Nazrin woke up and demanded my attention, followed by Khairin etc. Then, at noon, I went to pick Shahrin up, came home and did the dishes, the laundry, swept the floor..you know..household chores.

WHILE HE SLEPT.

This in itself isn't unusual. Even during normal days (pre-Ramadhan), he would sleep till noon. After 7 years of being married to him, I have learnt to take this 'condition' of his with patience.

Things went along as usual in this house till around 5pm when I got the boys ready for a trip to the nearest playground at the housing area. Shahrin has been badgering me to take him to the playground since forever. His pre-school teacher would sometimes take the entire school (of about 10 kids, heheh..) for a fun time at the playground which is just 5 minutes walking distance from the school (well, honestly, it is a residential house turned into a school/daycare, but ever since the second teacher was re-assigned, students have dropped from around 20'ish to only half of that). So, he would occasionally ask us to take him there too.

On that day, after promising him that I would take him and Nazrin there since 2 days before, we got ready for a day at the playground. I woke Ahmad up just to tell him that we were heading out. He got a little bit upset. I'm not sure whether he was upset over being woken up or the fact that we're going out. He did grumbled something about we shouldn't go out but since the boys were already in the car, I just told him that we'll be back soon.

The boys got to play with their brand new ball that day while I kept Khairin entertained. It was fun watching my 2 boys running around chasing the ball. They had fun on the slides too which were their favorite. Then, around 6pm, we all got back in the car to head on to our Pasar Ramadhan to buy food for breaking fast. As I drove along the road, I decided not to stop there as planned. There were too many people around plus I couldn't find a parking space close enough to the pasar. I didn't want to have to try and contain 2 boisterous boys while surveying the foods available there. The boys may not listen to me and run around in the crowd and got lost or hit by motorcycles. Plus, I would've had to carry Khairin too, so shopping for iftar had to wait.

So, I drove on back and got the boys inside. Ahmad was up and watching TV so I told him that I'm heading out again to buy food for iftar. My plan was to leave the boys with him and take the motorcycle to get back to the pasar. Nazrin saw me getting the keys and he immediately ran out as well. He's very alert when it comes to me or Ahmad getting ready to go out. Ahmad would always take him along whenever he goes out on his motorcycle so, Nazrin wanting to tag along is nothing new. Then, Shahrin also wanted to join us. He normally would ignore such trips as he prefers to watch cartoons but on that day, he wanted to come along to buy some curry puffs.

The problem was that Ahmad's motorcycle is kind of high and me being a petite person, often struggle when I'm handling it. My feet don't touch the ground when I'm on it and having Nazrin & Shahrin along is not an option. So, I casually asked Ahmad to take them instead and buy food for iftar.

He stormed off into our bedroom, put on a shirt and his jeans and stormed out. Before I could tell him what to buy for iftar, he'd already started the ignition and rode off with the boys. I was miffed at that time but I still have to cook the rice, so I headed back inside and decided to forget about Ahmad's moodiness.

About 20 minutes later, they came back with Shahrin crying, Ahmad sulking and Nazrin normal. Shahrin told me that Ayah just took them for a ride around the housing area and he didn't stop to buy anything. Shahrin kept on crying that he was hungry and he wanted the curry puffs. By this time, my annoyance had turned into anger but as iftar was only an hour away, I just had to improvised or we wouldn't be breaking our fast that day. All the while, I was steaming inside. I was tired, my son was unhappy with his father while he did nothing to help me. Instead, he had added on to my problems. While I was preparing our simple dish for iftar (luckily I had some minced chicken in the freezer, so I cooked it in some chili paste) I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the D-word.

It surfaces during times like these. Whenever Ahmad pushes my patience beyond the limit, the D-word would pop up. I mean, I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I put my kids and myself through this shit day after day? He's not gonna change, so why not ask him for a D?" During normal days, which can last for months, the D-word is pushed to the deepest place in my head but on days like this, it surfaces.

Then, I remembered the post I linked earlier. I told myself to calm down and not let him MAKE ME UNHAPPY. He is clueless. He is selfish but he does not have the power over MY EMOTIONS. Thinking about that made me calm down a bit. I was able to keep my cool about the whole incident and we were able to break our fast in relative calmness and normalcy. Had I not decided to not let him make me unhappy, I would've sulked at him or yelled at him and gave him the silent treatment. This would usually lead to him treating me the same which would result in a communication breakdown where he would just ignore me. I have learnt through experience that it is never good for me to have him that way since I totally depend on him to buy things from the store or look after the boys while I do my work or for other things as well.

I made it through the rest of the day by not showing him how angry I was at him for not buying food for iftar and for not buying those damned curry puffs for Shahrin (I managed to make him stop crying by promising to buy him some on the following day). If I had chosen to let him make me unhappy, I would've spent the rest of the day crying or stewing in anger which is not good since the D-word would come up.

Well, luckily today (27/7) was a bit better that that day. He woke up earlier than usual and he helped wash the dishes and helped with the boys. So, all in all, by making the decision to not put my emotions in his hands albeit him not knowing about it, has saved the day for all of us.

*sigh*

Excuses, excuses...

Remember this post?
I barely managed to finish the project while operating on auto-mode the whole time.
Then, the next day, my neighbour's friend who's a teacher asked me to do something for her.

I botched that project. Couldn't finish the 3 articles she wanted me to do. Well, I did finish the 2 main articles that she wanted but I only completed 3/4 of the 3rd one. :(

It was embarrassing!

I've never submitted incomplete work before. I've been late and I've been way past my datelines but I have NEVER submitted incomplete work before. *sigh*

Not 2 days later, the same friend I mentioned earlier SMSed me asking if I can translate several pages of his original work into Malay. Turns out he wanted 7000 words of English (from his thesis) to be translated into only 3000 words of research paper.

I have to admit, the promise of the payment got me excited about this project but I failed to evaluate my current sleep-deprived condition. Plus, the task at hand was near impossible since the Malay language uses way more words to convey the same idea in English.

But I pushed myself to complete the project because i) it belongs to my ex-schoolmate and ii) I needed the money. I spent 3 more sleepless night* editing and translating his work. The translating part was manageable but the editing part really got me. I mean, can you imagine trying to compress 7000 words worth of research into just 3000?? I really had to go through the whole document several times just to work out the best way to keep the research idea & results intact while keeping the words to the bare minimum.

In the end, I think I had disappointed him. I was late and couldn't satisfy the paper requirements as he had requested. But he made the payment anyway which made me feel a bit shameful with myself for submitting a half-assed work but still took the full payment. He was gracious about the whole thing though which made it a bit better for me.

I have to admit that I spent the next few days catching up with my sleep which can be said to be a lesson in futility. The boys kept interrupting my sleep with their endless demands! Then, Ramadhan arrives and threw my daily schedule to the dumps. After 2 straight weeks of staying up late and waking up late, having to wake up for Sahur at 5 in the morning have turn me into a zombie. 


I'm slowly getting into the rhythm of things. Sorry to have kept this blog silent for so long. 


* I have to wait till the boys are asleep before I can really do my work. Unfortunately, these kids sleep waaayyyyy past 11'ish so I have to stay awake at night to complete my work :(      

The downside of Breastfeeding exclusively..

droooooollllllll.......on DURIAN

I can't eat my fave fruit as much as I want!!!!!


This is the second time now. 


I ate durian, Khairin gets diarrhea. 
He pooped runny poo twice today.


Two weeks ago was the same. One day, I eat durian, the next day Khairin's poo is runny.       :(


Poor little man.
Poor me...


Huhuhuhu....have to ration my durian intake.
No way I'm gonna stop eating my fave fruit. Heh..selfish Ibu. 


Bad Ibu! Bad! Bad! 

Personal best..

2 days ago my ex-schoolmate contacted me, asking about my proofreading services.

He wanted me to edit/proofread his literature review chapter in just 2 days.

2 DAYS!!!!!!

I mean..I barely slept last night, I stayed up all night till 5ish this morning.
I'm awake now just because I had to get Shahrin ready for school and now I couldn't go back to sleep.
I'm so messed up right now..aagghhh..

but

man..to be able to finish editing/proofreading 24 PAGES!! in under 24 HOURS!!! when I usually would take at least a week to do so..

I am so proud of me right now..hahahahaha..

Parenting issues.

As usual, after I've sent Shahrin to school, I would sit in front of my lappy and log in to my FACEBOOK and check my blog before I start on whatever project I'm supposed to be doing for that day. Today is no different.

FACEBOOK is quite for now but I am waiting for updates on my ex-schoolmate who is in CCU in Hospital Pulau Pinang. I pray for her speedy recovery, insya allah.

Then, on my bloglist, I saw that Cecily has a new entry, so I clicked on her entry. She wrote about sharing space with her mother and having privacy and parenting issues. Read about it here and read the comments too, they are just as informative. Then, when I went to check my e-mail, this article caught my eyes.

So, about the first issue; Shahrin has always told me that he can run fast. I guess that's his 'best' thing. He would always tell me to look while he ran around the house, going at 'super-speed' or something. plus, he's always asking me to check out his new dance moves. They always involve him jumping around with arms flailing everywhere and ending with him on the floor. Yeah, whatever rock your boat, kid. Heh. I would always respond positively without making him feel like he IS the fastest runner or best dancer.

What annoys me the most is when he couldn't accept losing. He always, ALWAYS wants to be the winner, even when playing with our neighbor's kids. I don't know about at school but his teacher once told me that he would sometimes instigate a fight whenever he feels like he's not getting the upper hand. This information was given to me after I asked his teacher whether it was true that a bigger boy (physically, not age wise) was pushing him around. I didn't blame the boy since I know how Shahrin is plus that boy is bigger than he is, so it might have seemed to him that the boy was pushing him around when in reality that boy was just playing.

No matter what I tell Shahrin, he would always want to win. He would throw tantrums when he doesn't get his way. This leads to the second issue. I grew up with corporal punishment, so, that's also how I 'try' to discipline my boys. Being spanked, hit with a rattan stick and even tied to a pole (I took something that I shouldn't have when I was 7) was no big deal. With the boys, I always use the I-am-going-to-count-to-three-and-you-better-stop-before-then approach first. If they do not settle down (it's always something; fighting over toys, over the remote, over drinks, you name it) or things get out of hand, then I dish out spanks. Time-out works too, sometimes.

I know that I am not a good parent though I try to be. Unfortunately, my efforts are not enough when Ahmad is not helping me with the discipline thing. His absence doesn't help either. As some of the commenters pointed out in that article, spanking for the sake of the bad behaviour should be enough but usually kids get spanked more than they deserve due to the parent's frustration or out of anger. This is true for me. When I get frustrated with the boys, I always spanked them more times than they deserve. This is especially true when I'm busy with my projects and they get into a fight, let's say over who gets to watch the next cartoon. When in that situation, I'd either ignore them at first and concentrate on my work or try to talk them into taking turns (which rarely works). When both efforts fail, then I turn into the angry bull. Watch out boys!! Here comes the bull!!

I am aware that this is not good parenting, neither is shouting at them to obey me but I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Especially when Ahmad is present and he chooses not to do anything about it. I think that this is due to how he was raised; never been spanked or pinched or punished. He was dotted on by everyone in his adopted family since he was the 'first' child. He only have to ask and they would give him everything. So, with the boys, his response to their bickering would only to tell them to stop and if they still keep at it, he does nothing. This is what always makes me even angrier. Because I feel I have to do everything in this house.

Update - I started writing this entry at 9am, it's now 12.18pm. Khairin and Nazrin demanded my time so I think I should just end this now.      
  

poetry? what?

i close my eyes

empty

i close my mouth

tasteless

i tune off my ears

silence

but

i couldn't pinch my nose

and stop breathing

ok..backtracking..

last night i complained about the clutter in this house.
i wish to take them back..the complaints..not the entry.

why?

because this morning, i happened to read a FACEBOOK note* written by Saiful Nang about his wife who has a full time job but still manages to cook and look after her family well.

his note really made me realise that the clutter is not the problem.
my mental state is the problem.

i tend to say i can't before i even try..or give up halfway..or most often, blame it on somebody else.  

ok, so..i have admitted that i have a problem.

now what???

hahahaha..


*the note is in Malay but in summary:

he wrote that
1- his parents demanded that their future in-laws have at least these 2 important criteria; wears hijab and can
    cook
2- his wife has both criteria although he initially thought that knowing how to cook is not very important
3- after his mother died, he realised that what he missed the most about his mother is her cooking
4- he wanted his children to have the same kind of memory of their mother (his wife) so he himself began to
    cook at home
5- his wife who is a PhD holder, picked upon his effort to cook more at home
6- he praised his wife for being able to manage the family well even though she is a very busy career woman

there's more but i'm pressed for time right now, still have to 'manage' my boys and complete a translating project due next week

but all in all, THANK YOU Saiful Nang for the inspirational note. I applaud you and your wife!  

In just one hour...

I went from

INDIFFERENT to

SLIGHTLY FRUSTRATED to

HIGHLY IRRITATED to

OUTRIGHT RAGE!

from seeing all the clutter around me. *sigh*

The mountain of clothes resembles our current living room where Ahmad does all his sorting through his bundles 

Just like me when tackling the boys' toys *sigh*

I keep wanting to do 'something' about the first issue but knowing Ahmad, it would be a lesson in futility.
Same goes for the toys. Ughhh...

Wish the 'Clean House' team can come here and help me out :(

Quick lame updates..

1- we went for monthly check-up today for both nazrin and khairin. sadly, both boys didn't put on much weight even though nazrin eat a lot and khairin nursed a lot. nazrin's weight is in the lowest weight percentile while khairin is going under the normal weight percentile. not good, not good.

2- khairin has been acting up a lot lately which could be why he didn't gain much weight. anyway, i think i know why; he can already turn on his stomach now! he has beaten nazrin's record of doing so by the time he was 4 months old, khairin is currently 3 months, yesterday was his 3 month birthday hahah. he would effortlessly turn on to his stomach then cry out loud when he couldn't hold his head up and his nose is pinched on the floor, hahah.

3- nazrin is also acting up but i'm not sure why he is. i mean, he's already 3 years old, so why the crankiness?    i thought such behaviour only lasted through the terrible 2..maybe he still couldn't accept the fact that he is no longer 'Adik'

4- i'm out of ideas...hmmm...

-edited-

5- just heard a sad news from a friend. i pray that she stays strong. i regret not keeping in touch with her even though i read her FB status..i'm so sorry rumet T__________T

6- i hate these cartoons; Tom and Jerry, Oggy and the cockroaches, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Totally useless and meaningless cartoons..i don't get the stories behind them.

7- i love disney channel, lovelovelove spongebob squarepants

Tired...

the baby just wouldn't go to sleep all day yesterday...

i have big puffy eyes right now @___@

When it rain, it pours!

Literally and figuratively.

Although the weather has been hot all week long after the downpours we had 2 weeks ago.
Well, all in all I would just like to say that I am thankful either way.

My workload is also experiencing a downpour. More of the cats and dogs variety.
Mind you, I'm not complaining..this is very good actually. I'll be swamped for the next 2 weeks with 3 projects; 3 editing and 1 ghostwriting (2 articles for 1 client). I just need to get organized and set my priorities right in order to make the deadlines. Off course my children come first (well, the baby does, his brothers can just entertain themselves hah!) but I think house chores may get pushed to the backburner for the time being. And this blog as well.

*sigh*

Can't complain. Not complaining.

I'm thinking of the money and the rewards I'm getting for myself afterwards.

p/s: I might throw in a post about said rewards sometime tomorrow (or whenever I'm able to). I just need to take pictures of them and upload them here soon. A teaser; one is yellow and the other is stack-able. Any guesses?

Update on our little 'holiday' getaway.

We left for the waterpark at around 2 o'clock. You know, after I have done all the work around the house as well as packed everything we would need for the outing.

Anyway, we got discounts for our tickets since Ahmad is a Kerian resident and his cousin (another Kerian resident) works there, so she used her IC card to get me my discounted ticket. All in all, we only paid RM30 for 2 adult tickets since we didn't have to buy any tickets for the boys. Now, I've been to Tambun and Sungai Petani's theme/water park and boy! were the tickets expensive. Nevertheless, you do have plenty of water hole choices to choose from, plus in Sg Petani's water park the ticket includes lunch for all ticket holders. 

However, the Bukit Merah water park was smaller with just a few water hole attractions which may account for the cheap entrance fee. Anyways, the boys sure had fun (I think) and I'm sure Ahmad did too. In fact, I think he had more fun than the boys, playing in the water with the figure-8 float. Since I had to look after Khairin, the 3 of them went of to splash in the water at the biggest pool there (it has waves going every half hour or so which made everyone screamed with joy when they were hit by the 'big' waves haha). Me and Khairin just wet our feet and dip our butts in one of the shallower kiddy pool but we had fun too.

Ahmad did come and took Khairin twice so that I can have fun in the water too. Well, in that sense, the boys had all the fun, both with Ahmad and me since that's all they had to do; enjoy themselves. I took them for a 'walk' in one of the waterways surrounding one of the waterholes on the floater. We did have some accidents with other visitors on floaters but everyone was just goofing around, so nobody got angry or anything. Nazrin loved going down slides, so we stayed at one for half an hour. By the time we completed the circle, Nazrin was already shaking in his clothes even though it was a hot day. Shahrin was practically all over the place; running/swimming here and there.

We met a friend of mine and her family while we were there but didn't stay long for a chat since each family wanted to play some more- the kids went everywhere. But one thing that caught my attention was that her husband has gotten a bit chubbier since I saw him last. I have also noticed that this is true for most of my friends' hubbies. My husband is the only one who hasn't put on weight in the 7 years that we've been married. He has stayed the same from the first day we officially met till today. Hmmm..does that has anything to do with my not cooking? heh..

Another thing that caught my attention was that how different we were compared to other visitors that day. I observed that everyone came loaded with tote bags (the kind companies give as freebies) and floaties and strollers (those with babies) and baskets (although no outside food and beverages were allowed in the area) and 1 family even took their tent along.

I only packed 2 bags; one Celcom freebie tote bag and an over-the-shoulder Anmum gift bag. The tote contained change of clothes for all of us while the Anmum bag was stuffed with Khairin's change and wallets and android phones. I specifically took along the Anmum bag since it was partially waterproof and can be slung over for easy handling. This way, we wouldn't have to rent one of those cubbies and still keep our valuables safe.

In a way, I think I was being a minimalist; a pair of change for each of us, except for Khairin, I packed 2 sets for him, 1 towel for us parents and 1 towel for the boys. That was all. As I sat at the seating area with Khairin, I watched all these other people going about, enjoying their day at the water park. They seemed to lug around bags full of stuff and I wondered what did they put in all those bags. One family of 3 in particular; parents and a baby, had at least 5 bags with them, plus a buggy and a baby carrier. The father was wearing the baby while the mother struggled with the bags and the buggy. I thought to myself, "what in the toot are in all those bags??" I mean, just how many change do you really need for a day at the park with just 3 people? If it were me, I'd only bring along my set of change, Ahmad's and the baby's (but since I already have 3, I had to bring more).

One more thing that caught my eyes were how some of them were so concerned with their appearance that they missed the whole idea of having fun. They came in high heels and their bling-blings and their iPads and their expensive watches. Then, they spend half an hour just to arrange all their belongings just so and they can't all go in the water since someone had to look after all their stuff ( you know, to prevent theft). I mean, if you already know that you're going to a place where there would be a huge crowd with little security, just leave all that expensive getup at home and just come in your shirts and flip-flops. It would definitely be easier on your peace of mind.

Like we did. I dressed the boys all ready in their bathing suits at home and I put on mine (T-shirt and slack). By the time we got there, we just had to take off our flip-flops (or slippers as we call them) and head on right into the pool. When we're all done and wrinkled up, all we had to do were change into clean clothes and we're on our way home. Easy, isn't it? Well, that's just me being the minimalist. I sure would like to know what you would bring to a family day at the water park.

Do tell.