Deflated.

I think by now, you'd have notice my entries (No. 1, No. 2, No. 3 and No. 4) for the iPad contest, right? Well, last night, I went back to the organizer's blog and checked out her audition preview.

The competition is tough! Just reading through that post made me realize I'm not creative at all and that I may not get listed for the second round, buhuhuhu...

I thought blogging for money was easy but as it turned out, it's not.

Oh well, signing off to lick my wounds.

See you when I see you.

A little ME time would be nice.

I've initially written down a long and flowing paragraph about how my week sucked, BIG TIME.

But.

I've deleted it and now trying (the operative word here is 'trying') to find the correct words to better describe my feelings.

Ugghhh..

My brain is tired. And sick of trying to find nicer words to describe a really crappy week.
If only TB is out of my life forever!!!!
If only Ahmad is not a neanderthal but instead, a new-age macho man, in touch with his feminine side, what ever that is.

If only I don't have to shoulder HIS every responsibility by myself. Just because I married him doesn't mean *I* am to blame for everything he did and didn't do. COME ON!!!!!

And TB? Next time, if you want to tell Ahmad that he and the boys are missed, please, do it somewhere I'm not around! I feel like the unwanted maid hearing that!

Feeling low.

"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Dedicated to the younger me.

Saya mahu jadi macam Zarin dari blog The Dairy of Our Daily Life

Saya mahu kenalkan kawan saya Zarin pula kepada semua. Dia kawan sewaktu menuntut di USM, Tronoh (dah pindah ke Transkerian, Nibong Tebal) dari undergrad sampai ke postgrad. Kami juga rakan sebilik semasa menyewa rumah di Taman Pekaka yang terletak berhampiran dengan universiti.

Zarin ni seorang yang sangat berkarisma dan bersemangat kental. Bayangkan, dia ni dengan sukarela ikut kumpulan pendaki-pendaki gunung seMalaysia walaupun sedang buat postgrad. Saya pun dah tak ingat berapa banyak gunung yang Zarin dah panjat. Dia juga tak akan takut untuk meluahkan buah fikiran diwaktu orang lain diam membisu. Satu lagi, Zarin ni sanggup beli gitar dan buku-buku tentang bermain gitar kerana nak memenuhi keinginan diri hendak pandai bermain gitar. Belajar sendiri pulak tu sampai cekap. Sempat la jugak saya merasa nyanyi karaoke sambil diiringi alunan gitar Zarin ni.

Saya pula jenis yang angguk, angguk, geleng, geleng. Cuba anda semua baca coretan Zarin ini: giler kose. Tajuknya saja dah membayangkan isi kandungannya bukan? Dah la tergolong dalam kumpulan wanita berkerjaya, dia dan suami juga ada kedai sendiri, tambah pula dengan online blogshop. (Sila lawat blogshop Zarin yer, dia ada jual beg tangan, telekong, baju renang, bunga telur dan kain pasang. Ermm..Zarin, iklan free ni, aku tak dapat beg free ka? Hahah) Bandingkan pula dengan coretan saya ini: (sila abaikan penggunaan bahasa yang berbeza, ok?) fikiran saya yang bercelaru. Nampak sangat perbezaan kami, bukan? Saya sangat-sangat mahu jadi macam Zarin yang berani dan yakin dengan kebolehan diri.

Sila baca pula coretan ini: tanggungjawab kerjaya. Zarin memang begitu. Bagi dia, a job worth doing is if you do it yourself. Saya pula lebih suka jika orang lain yang diberi tanggungjawab sebab saya ni pak turut sahaja. Suka juga menyalahkan orang lain bila ditimpa kesusahan, walaupun sebenarnya adalah salah diri saya sendiri. Tak percaya? Sila baca coretan-coretan ini pula: I was told dan Humility Cuba anda cari coretan sebegini dalam blog The Dairy of Our Daily Life, mesti tak akan jumpa, sebab Zarin tak macam saya, heh.

Sewaktu kecil, saya turutkan saja kehendak Mama dan Baba kerana saya percayakan mereka. Dah berkahwin, saya turutkan pula kehendak suami, walaupun hati memberontak dan jiwa resah gelisah, hanya kerana saya tak percaya kepada diri sendiri. Saya sedang cuba berubah, dengan bantuan kawan saya Zarin, sila baca coretan sebelum dan selepas ini.

Walaupun Zarin jarang meng'up-date' blog, namun kehadiran Zarin dan blognya dalam hidup saya sangat dihargai. Saya nak jadi macam Zarin bila saya besar nanti, :D
p/s: Adik Normy dan blognya juga tidak dilupakan! :D

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”

Sangat, sangat, sangat mengidam, okey!

Target not achieved.

I've set a goal for my blog this month.
I promised my blog that I would make an entry for every day of the whole month, that means 28 entries.
I'm already short 3 entries from achieving that goal.
I'm out of ideas.
I want to win the iPad very much but I'm not poetic or artistic or even creative.

Ideas, anyone?

Currently studying.

Or at least trying to...

Tomorrow is the day I'll be sitting for my first ever test since so long ago. *sigh* I feel ancient.

I'm trying to be objective while googling samples of refusing credit letters on the net but my lecturer's words keep buzzing in my ears.

From the writing exercises we've done in class, she told me she didn't like my writing style.
Bummer.
So, you understand my worry. I've never gotten bad marks in English before..... :(
What if I failed this one? Arghhh!!!

Granted, I'm officially a part-time student only but the stress before a test feels just the same like when I was still doing my undergrad studies. Plus, this time around, I have tons of other things (read: the boys, the house, the husband) to worry about beside my test.

I'm not sure I can do this...............

Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
I need youuuu!!!!

Contest entry in English version.

Hi all!

Feeling gloomy again today, so nothing new in that area.

I really want to win the iPad from Mommy Lyna. I've never had anything extravagant, not even a pair of shoes. Growing up, my parents made sure we understand the value of being prudent with our money. Even to these days, I'd always think long and hard about my purchase, especially when it involves expensive stuff. With the two boys growing up and requiring so much more than I do, I'm thankful to my parents for teaching me to live a frugal life. Not to mention our current financial problem, I have to be extra careful with my spending.

So, I want to be able to pour out my problems and work through them here on this blog.

I look at other people (friends, siblings, strangers I met somewhere) and I go green with envy. They have the things that I want, things I crave. A house of their own, a career/business, a happy family, a perfect vacation, bla bla bla..fill in the blanks.

Here on my blog, I get the chance to unburden my feelings without hurting anyone. If they don't read my blog, anyway. Through it, I could look back on stuff that has been happening to me and try to figure out how to move forward from the bad experience. Unfortunately, off late, I have come to the conclusion that I am a coward, when it comes to standing on my own two feet. I get terrified just thinking about what I would do when living with Ahmad (and all his crazy antics) finally come to the point of no return. See, this post is now written in a crappy mood, in case you haven't figured it out.

Here on my blog, I get to dream and make plans and wish that airplanes are wishing stars. I get to write down why I love my husband but why I would really love to bash his head in with a frying pan. I can also reminisce about my historical-hey-day and sit in front of my computer, wondering where my zest for life has gone to.

Here on my blog, I can write about my boys and their current development. Though I haven't done so in a long time, haven't I? They are the center-point of my life now, yet there are times I feel as if I'm trapped in a freaking zoo with 2 monkeys on the loose. Heh. I wish I could give them so much more. There are days where I hit rock bottom and feel like I've failed them by marrying their father. Does that make any sense to you? *sigh*

Here on my blog, my 'artistic' side could satisfy its curiosity by visiting craft blogs. I know I love sewing but haven't got the chance to try out any of the tutorials I've downloaded from the net. My late grandma, my father's mother was an excellent seamstress. She used to sew her own baju kurung, baju Kedah and other types of clothes. Unfortunately, I never sat down and learn her trade with her. What a waste of talent.

Here on my blog, I get to be me.

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”

Have you notice my iPad contest entries?.

So, the organizer, Mommy Lyna from MySuperKids has offered an iPad for the winner of her contest. The rules are very simple. 1) Just write a post on what you want/desire from a blog of your choice. 2) Then, paste a sentence that the organizer had given at the bottom of your entry and 3) link up your entry to her comment section. Easy peasy.

When you think of it, the first rule is very effective and creative. By allowing the participants to write about any blog of their choice, the organizer has open up a one of a kind linky-party. Visitors to her contest page or the participants themselves would very likely check out the entries for this contest. Since the entries revolve around blogs of interest to the participants, readers can be sure to have a good read. They might even get hooked on the featured blogs themselves.

Oh how I wish I could win the iPad! Thinking about the possibilites just make me drool.....
*wiping drool of my chin*

Saya mahu pendapatan lumayan dari blog blackmountain ini.

Mommy Lyna kata boleh tulis seberapa banyak artikel yang mahu, maka saya mahu tulis
satu lagi artikel.

Kali ini artikel ini adalah berkenaan kemahuan saya memperoleh pendapatan dari blog saya ini. Saya tahu blog ini kurang menarik tapi saya akan sentiasa memperbaiki mutu blog ini agar ia setanding blog Mommy Lyna; MySuperKids atau juga blog-blog lain seperti
blog inspirasi saya, Uppercase Woman. Inilah antara blog permulaan yang saya baca dan
saya telah jatuh hati dengan stail penulisan beliau yang ringkas tetapi padat dan ikhlas.

Blog saya ini bukan blog masakan, bukan blog fotografi, bukan juga blog ilmiah. Blog saya lebih banyak menumpu kepada perkembangan dalam hidup saya, susah senang, sedih, gembira, cerita anak-anak dan juga cerita kami suami isteri. Inilah 'niche' saya dan saya berharap akan dapat memperkukuhkan 'niche' ini sedikit demi sedikit. Saya menulis blog ini dengan harapan akan ada kenangan untuk diri sendiri dan juga anak-anak bila tiba masanya kelak. Tidak lupa juga dengan harapan mendapat wang dari Nuffnang sebagai pendapatan tambahan.

Jika anda semua membaca blog ini dari awal lagi, pasti anda akan berkata,
"Blog ni macam-macam ada." Hahaha.

Memang pun, saya tulis ikut kata hati. Kalau hari tu hati senang, maka gembiralah penulisan, kalau menulis ketika sedih, maka ayat pun berbunyi marah dan kecewa
(banyak juga entry sebegini). Ketika rasa agak kreatif, saya paparkan hasil buatan tangan dan pautkan pada 'pesta lompat-blog' (?) "blog-hopping parties" supaya lebih ramai pembaca akan singgah di blog saya ini.

Sebelum ini, saya paparkan ManggaAd, tapi kerana kecewa dengan pendapatan yang sedikit (RM 0.07 sahaja setelah sekian lama), saya bertukar kepada Nuffnang, teruja dengan blog-blog lain yang memperoleh BE yang melimpah ruah. Tapi saya tidak sedar bahawa
blog2 tersebut, ramai pengikut, sebab itu BE banyak.

Oleh sebab itu, saya akan mencuba lebih gigih untuk memasarkan blog saya ini melalui pautan kepada Facebook, pautan kepada pertandingan online dan juga 'blog-hopping'.

Saya juga amat berharap akan memenangi iPAD dari Mommy Lyna.

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”

Saya mahu cerita menarik dari Blog abjadmenjadicerita.blogspot.com

Pertama kali menulis artikel dalam Bahasa ibunda. :D

Selalunya bahasa pilihan adalah English, bukan kerana teringin bermata biru atau berambut perang, tetapi kerana ingin melatih diri lebih cekap menulis dalam bahasa antarabangsa itu.

Agak janggal menulis dalam bahasa baku. Rasanya saya akan gunakan bahasa pasar sahaja untuk hari ini. Jadi, artikel pada hari ini adalah berkenaan kemahuan saya memiliki iPad percuma dari blog MySuperKids. Mama Lyna telah mendapat 'keuntungan' besar dari Nuffnang dan beliau telah anjurkan pertandingan ini sebagai habuan buat pembaca setianya.

SAYA MAHUUU!!!!

Blog abjadmenjadicerita ni kepunyaan Adik a.k.a Normi, bekas penghuni serumah sewa dengan saya dulu. Beliau sangat bijak mengolah cerita aktiviti harian beliau sampai kadang-kadang saya tergelak seorang diri. Tambah pula Normi sekarang sudah ada seorang putera yang amat berTuah. Semakin banyak cerita menarik dari beliau yang turut dihiasi dengan gambar2 yg menarik. Tutorial tentang blog juga ada di blog Normi, maka dapat juga saya belajar cara menguruskan blog saya ini.

Dengan itu, walaupun artikel saya ini tidaklah sekreatif mana, tetap tinggi harapan saya untuk memenangi iPad dari Mama Lyna.

“Artikel ini ditulis sebab saya mengidam iPad percuma MySuperKids. Sertai Bengkel Adsense di laman web buat duit online & mulakan gaya hidup sihat dengan vitamin semulajadi ShakleeTrialPack”

Unique pen holder.

Here, I have a few more of my stash of trash. The tissue box had a nice flowery motif going on and I couldn't throw it out. It looked so pretty and I keep thinking of how or what am I supposed to do with it. I wanted to keep the flower motif but the brand name is so huge, I got stuck on how to cover it up and yet still showcase the flowers.

(In this picture; the infamous tissue box, the magnet strip and a name card holder)

Then, there's the strip of magnet that I ripped off from my son's broken magnetic doodle board. It wasn't as nice looking as this one:

but it has served its purpose well. I kept the plastic cover with the intention of having another trash to treasure project. But that's for another day.

So, I have been having some trouble with my pens. They keep disappearing and they are never where I put them, when I need them. I even wrote about them here. My kids kept taking my pens and never putting them back, plus most of them got busted by the brutality of Nazrin's writing skills. *sigh*

Anyway, I've been thinking that I should have a memo/note spot on my fridge, you know, for To Do Lists, Shopping List or the occasional love note to Ahmad (yeah, right! :D). And I have just the right trash to make a one of a kind pen holder. This is not a tutorial, so I'm just going to show you what I've done, with a little description.

TADAA!!!

What I did was I incorporated the flower pattern from the tissue box into my 'design'. I cut out 2 flowers (1 big and 1 small) from the top part of the box, just in case I come up with a new idea for it, then I can still use it. I colored the bigger piece blue since yellow on yellow didn't pop out. I glued a small piece of the magnet strip to the back of the holder and the flowers on top. Slide in a pen at the plastic strip and I was done.

Here it is on my fridge, the cute note was from Tricia-Rennea's free printables.

A close-up of my unique pen holder.
Now I can be sure that this pen at least, will stick to where I've put it, on my fridge.

LOST...

Watched 'Criminal Minds' last night.
They had a kidnapping case; an 8 years old girl was taken, right from her mother's side.

Personally, as a mother, I found it heart-breaking to watch. Especially when the father blamed the mother for losing the child.

I literally felt the mother's heart beating faster as she began to realize that her daughter was gone. Not just slightly hidden behind a stranger or playing pee-ka-bo from behind a lamppost, her daughter was really gone.

I felt that way once. Not something I'd wish to go through again, EVER.

The boys and I were window-shopping one day. Well, ok, *I* was window-shopping, they just happened to tag along while I drool over things I know I'd never buy. I was carrying Nazrin and Shahrin was behind me. I saw something on display and I stepped inside the shop to take a closer look. A second later, when I turned to look at Shahrin who was supposed to be behind me, I didn't see him there.

My heart literally dropped to my stomach. I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster as I called out to him but getting no reply. I rushed outside the store, hoping that maybe he was just outside, preoccupied with something. But he wasn't there, nor was he anywhere on the sidewalk. I held Nazrin even tighter, afraid of losing him too. At the same time, I was already thinking about what Ahmad's going to say when I tell him that I'd lost Shahrin.

In that split second between stepping into the store and looking behind me to discover that Shahrin was gone, so many thoughts raced through my mind. I remember feeling overwhelmingly sad; for losing sight of Shahrin, for not holding his hand like a good mother would. I remember feeling guilty too, if only I hadn't stepped into that shop, we'd still be together. I desperately called out his name one more time, my voice had gotten shrill. Then, "Ibu! Ibu! Come look at this!"

He was inside the shop, looking at a collection of medium toy trains (he loves trains; Thomas, Chuggington). OMG! What a relief! I literally felt my chest expanding again, I could breathe again. As it turned out, Shahrin had followed me into the stop without me noticing him. While I was looking at the display, he had wandered further into the shop and stopped at the toy section. I could swear that the shopkeeper and his employees were grinning from ear to ear by the way I had ran over to him and grabbed him into my arms. There we were, the 3 of us, tightly bound in my arms. I almost cried except for the fact that Shahrin was anxious to show me what he'd found, that I just followed him.

These days, I always make him hold my hand, wherever we go. Or just put both of them in the shopping cart if we go anywhere crowded, like Tesco or Econsave.

Plus, in that TV show, another character had her son kidnapped 8 years before. When everyone else had given up hope of ever seeing him again, she had kept believing that her son is still alive and well. When her husband left her because he couldn't deal with her 'insanity', she turned her full attention to finding her son again. It turned out that her son's captors were the same one who took the little girl. And her diligence and belief that her son is still alive had helped solve the case. Such was the bond between a mother and her child.

Personally, I don't know what I would've done if I had been her. And I pray to GOD that I don't ever have to know.

Don't push THAT button!!!

I love Ahmad very much. You guys know that, right?

But seriously, having him around these days is really, REALLY, REALLY! getting on my nerves.

His daily routine?
1-Wake up around noon.
2-Shower and get dressed.
3-Have whatever breakfast/lunch item that's available for that day. (I'm still working out the kinks with the 'cooking' part).
4-Heads out (don't ask, I don't know where he goes every time he leaves the house).
5-Comes back home around 3@4p.m. and stays for at least 1 hour.
6-Heads out again.
7-Comes back for a shower and dinner (sometimes he'd bring back dinner or we'd eat out or of late, I'd cook).
8-Watch TV with the boys for a bit.
9-Heads out AGAIN! till...wait a minute! I don't know what time he comes home!


Can you imagine my frustration seeing him curled up in bed all day long??!! Not helping with the boys or the chores at all?!
I didn't mind this routine when he was working, I understand the fact that while driving long distance, he couldn't get much sleep.
But, come on!!! He quit his job! All he ever do these days are sleeping, watching TV & fishing.

Then, this afternoon, after finishing my chores for the day, I woke him up & asked him to go buy us some lunch because 1) I was famished and 2) I was so tired, I couldn't handle cooking lunch.

Know what he said? "Why don't you go? I wouldn't know what dishes you want to eat."

I got so MAD!! I got ready and drove off on my own. I left the boys with him & very nearly had my lunch at the restaurant, all by myself, just to spite him. But I just couldn't do it. Nazrin would go hungry if I don't buy something for him, plus my mom taught me better than that. So, I bought us all lunch to-go. Luckily I didn't pass out while driving the car, I was THAT tired!

*sigh*

The things I go through for this man............

Art Attact; The Too Cute Desktop Calender.

So, as I have said, I'm a closet hoarder. I tend to keep all the boxes, plastic containers and other bits and pieces. The intention behind hoarding such items is mostly cosmetic; the box looks cute, its glossy and sturdy, its big (might need it for packing presents or something), I like the design, you know, stuff like that. Plus, the amateur crafter in me sees the possibilities behind each hoarded item. Therefore, today, I am presenting my latest 'Art Attact', created from my stash of trash, The Too Cute Desktop Calender!!!

Items:

One Koko Krunch box

A 2011 calender from Kreko magazine
(a cartoon mag filled with Japanese cartoons)

Here they are together.

I opened up the box and flipped it over.
With the help from my 'Handy Helpers' (notice Nazrin's cameo appearance? heh),
I folded and glued the box back together to form a tent.

The next steps are mostly self-explanatory. Basically, I glued the calender to the top
part of the tent I've made from the box. Unfortunately, I miscalculated the length of the calender, so I had a bit more box sticking out. Rather than cut that part out, I decided to embellish it with a note holder and a flowery design at the bottom.

I made this note holder from the leftover box and Shahrin helped stick the butterflies
on it to make it look cuter. I asked Ahmad to write down 'Notes' at the top
since his handwriting looks better than mine.

I used these paint markers and the stencil to decorate the bottom part.

When I first looked at them, without the borders (notice the alternate flowers
with borders?), they looked kind of bland, so I bordered every other flower,
to enhance their appearance a bit. Nicer this way, right?

Now don't forget the 3D-effect bunny! I glued an accordion piece of paper behind her
to get this effect. Doesn't she look cute? She's from Paper Glitter's
free printables from the To Do List. I threw away the used list part but
couldn't find it in my heart to throw the images away, they
(this bunny, 3 apples and a Japanese doll) are TOO CUTE!
Luckily, I finally have a home for this bunny to live in, heh.

And here's the finished product. Isn't it Too Cute?

Here it is, on my newly organized table top. When I took this picture this morning,
everything was nice and organized, not 20 minutes after,
'everything' had gone everywhere. *sigh*

In the above picture, I hid all of my paper clutter. Now, if only I have one of this to
organize them, then everything would be puurrr-fect!
Desk-top wise, that is.


I'm linking this post to Sassy Sites:

GOD's will.

As a Muslim, I truly believe in God Al-Mighty, the one and only GOD.

I believe in the saying, "GOD works in mysterious ways."

God doesn't put us in a situation where we couldn't find the way out, we are there because of our own inability to search for it.

The same can be said of my current predicament.
I am being tested & I, myself have found me wanting.

I lack the perseverance and the will to fight for myself.
I have depended too much on other people, that I have found myself floundering in a sea of self-pity.

When I couldn't find the right, conventional path (career-wise), I got stuck at the crossroads, waiting for someone to come along and hold my hand/push me down the right road.

I am beginning to see that this scenario has got to stop.
There are other roads I can travel through.

Just this morning, I have been given insights on what I can do to improve myself.
Thinking back, all through my life, I have countless encounters such as the one I had this morning. Life changing encounters, messengers of God (melodramatic much? heh) finding me and giving me hints on how I can better myself.
The blame is on me for not following through.

I believe it is now the time to stop thinking of the chances I've missed and start looking for new opportunities.

Wish me luck, Insya ALLAH.

Heartbroken.

I finally mustered enough gut today, to call the landlady of that house I told you before.
Turned out, the house is already spoken for, long before the last tenant moved out.

DAMN!!!!

Although I shouldn't feel angry at myself for not calling sooner, since it would still be pointless because the house was never really available for rent anyway, I still feel that my reluctance to call the landlady was due to me being afraid of what Ahmad would do if I went about this without his consent.

When I called her this evening, it was really my frustration that pushed me to make that call. I've gotten really fed up with trying to keep this place together because, you know, everything here belongs to Ahmad's mother. I feel involuntarily obligated to keep everything just the way they are since everything here belongs to her. What we own are all in our bedroom, plus the car and the motorcycles in her porch. The stove is hers, the plates, woks, cutlery, the sofa, dining table, the TV cabinet, everything is hers.

So, imagine my frustration when Shahrin & Nazrin terrorizes the place, making a mess (because that's what children do <-- read sotto voce), breaking things and doodling on the walls. I'm forever yelling at them for messing things up because THEY ARE NOT OUR STUFF!!!!
Ahmad doesn't or wouldn't want to understand this situation. Maybe because to him, his mother's stuff is his stuff too, which I personally think is BS! Because we don't contribute to the house at all; we don't pay rent, we just use everything here, we don't even add any value to the house. WE JUST HAPPEN TO LIVE HERE.

I cried after that phone call.
I was really looking forward to having a place of my own.
Even before I made that call, I've begun organizing our meager possessions in the rooms of that house.
This is the 5th house that has slipped out of my hands.
And I blame it on Ahmad.

If only I could hate him for putting me through this misery.

Random thoughts for the day. #3

As you all may recall, Ahmad has quit his job just a few days before CNY. Although I felt very angry at him for doing so, it wasn't a surprise. In the 5+ years being married to him, he has changed jobs just about every other year. Except for when we were in the bundle business. That one actually stuck, for about 3 years. The longest job he ever had, heh.

Well, you may also recall that I'm taking writing classes at USM. The class was quite informal to say the least and fun too. The best part is that I get to create new networks for my services, friends who are still at USM; some continuing with PhD, while some were finishing their MSc, are all very happy to know that I'm offering proofreading and editing services. After USM was awarded the Research University status, postgraduate programs have been upgraded. More postgrads applications have been approved and the school has cut back on the undergrads numbers. So, the pressure is on them (the postgrads) to publish research papers with high impact factor journals. Problem is, many of them have issues with the grammatical part of writing a paper.

When I first went back there to attend my first writing class, I had the chance to see some of my friends who are still there. That first day itself, after I told them about my services, an expatriate student from Indonesia called me, asking me to edit his paper. Since then, I've accepted quite a number of papers to proofread/edit and I'm very happy with this development. Plus, today in class, my lecturer asked me what am I doing at home, since I'm not working. So, I told her about the services that I'm offering. She then proceeded to tell me that she's going to give my number to a few Iranian/Iraqian students who went to see her about their theses. They wanted her to check the theses for them but she was very busy. So, looks like I could be getting new 'customers' soon.

Anyway, what I really wanted to write about is Ahmad's new attitude. Starting from 2 weeks ago, he had stayed at home to babysit the boys while I'm in class. That's 3 classes already, plus next Friday, when I'm going to attend a very early class, starting at 8.00 a.m. I thought that after the 1st time he had to babysit, he would accept my offer to send the boys to their sitter, so that he can go about his days as he usually does (read: hanging around the coffee shop with a bunch of other guys, doing GOD knows what). But it seems that he doesn't mind looking after the boys for a few hours. Which is a big relief for me because this way, I can be sure that they are spending quality time with their father.

Ahmad has also taken to washing his own dishes after every meal. Which is quite a nice surprise for me because his usual MO is to just leave the dirty dish in the kitchen sink. And a few days ago, he'd also begun to kiss me on the cheek, in a passing manner. Still, the kisses were sweet & they brighten up my day. Just this evening, he VOLUNTARILY (which is a HUGE matter since he is quite the silent type & I always have to pry information out of him; like pulling out a tooth) told me that a friend of his has commissioned him (Ahmad) to make grills and a gate for him (the friend). Welding; making window and door grills, gates and the occasional odd pieces, was his first venture into doing business on his own. This came right after we had Shahrin & Ahmad quit driving trailer just to be close to home. After a few unpaid projects, he became frustrated with doing welding and switched to selling knock-off bags/purses/totes at night markets. After a few raids by KPDNHEP on the suppliers and we had trouble stocking up, Ahmad switched to selling bundles instead.

Seems like we've come a full circle in Ahmad's attempt at being the breadwinner of our family. Maybe he's gotten bored with my never-ending babbling about him not providing for this family, about how other people are struggling hard to accumulate wealth while we are accumulating debts, & my occasional taunts of him switching places with me instead; he could be the stay-at-home-dad while I go out to earn a living. One fact that I know for sure is that he is not going back to driving trailers, well, not in the near future anyway. Who knows, maybe next year, he'll pull this quitting-his-job stunt again and go back to driving trailer. Again!

One other news, I've found a semi-D house for rent quite close to Shahrin's pre-school. I've tried to contact the landlady but she has gotten back to me yet. The previous occupant told me that she rented the house for RM300. I'm hoping to persuade the landlady to let me rent the house for RM250-280, since the house is quite close to a pre-school. Some people don't like living that close to a noisy place (you know children, always running and making noises) but I don't mind if it means that I can FINALLY move out of this house!

As usual, Ahmad didn't look too happy when I told him this news, but this time around, I'm just going to go for it. I'm tired of waiting for him to decide. This is my life too and I deserve to get what I want too!

Fingers crossed!! Toes too! :D

Been bitten by the decluttering bug. Part 1.

O.M.G! This house is a mess right now!

And you should also see the table I'm currently using as my 'office', it's full with stuff waiting their turn to be sorted and put away.

I've also been bitten by the craft bug. The very reason why the house is upside down at the moment. I'm kind of a closet hoarder, though not so hard-core. My tendency leans more towards keeping things that *I* think would be useful crafting material 'one day'. Please note the 'one day' part, because that day is usually quite notorious, it likes to appear at a moments notice, with no warning at all.

Remember this post? And this one? And this?
Well, they were all because the craft bug bit me. You maybe would notice that all of the crafts I did were made out of junks/trash. Those were some of my hoarded boxes, printed paper and other oddity collections. Just yesterday, I started a calender holder thingy using a cereal box, a cartoon calender and other stuff. While I was doing that, all these other stuff started coming out of their hidden places (read: I'm messing up my house looking for my stash of trash, heh) and currently, I'm busy with something else, so I don't have time to tidy them up.

Hopefully by tomorrow or the day after, I'd have all the pictures uploaded. Watch this space, ok.

Discontentment.

Nothing I do is good enough for that person.
There's always something.
Always complaining, always controlling.

I've learned not to care.

But still.

I HATE TB!

A new project.

Alhamdulillah.

I've managed to secure a new project; proofreading/editing a paper for publication in an academic journal. The plus side is the research is very similar to my own MSc thesis, so this one should be easy to read through.

Reading aside, I've been domesticated!

I mean, I am now, truly, a Stay-At-Home-Mom, with the whole shebang; cleaning, organizing, caring, washing plus COOKING!

I've cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner so much this week alone, they should cover all the days that I didn't cook in the last 2 years. Ahahaha..exaggerating much here.

But I do believe I've found my groove. Not that my dishes were over the top, just basic Malaysian dishes that are simple and easy to cook. The only reason I hated cooking was based on my experience, watching my mom and late grandma cook. My grandma's dishes always requires loads of ingredients and are always super-complicated. If one ingredient is missing, then the whole dish is a goner. They'd usually start preparation, like for lunch, as early as 10am! Then, there's the dishes, to be done during, while and after they are done cooking. That's not even counting the dishes after lunch is over. *sigh* Now do you see why I am not so keen on cooking?

Anyways, all in all, cooking for Ahmad & Nazrin (Shahrin hates eating heh) does give me a kind of satisfaction. Here's to Chef Anis! Hehe.

Recipe: Onion dumplings with anchovies

Today I made my mom's famous (within the family anyway heh) onion dumplings with anchovies for breakfast. P/s: Sorry Adik, no pictures, again..*sigh* I need to buy me a digital camera..
Actually, she has many variations for this type of dumpling, but today I just went with what I had in the kitchen.

So, the ingredients:

3 cups of wheat flour.
Half a cup of grounded dried anchovies.
1 minced onion (it was very big).
1 egg.
Salt to taste.


Preparations:
1- Mix all the above ingredients together with half a cup of water. Add more water till you reach a workable batter consistency.
2- Once you are satisfied with the batter, use a spoon to pour the batter into hot oil.
3- When the dumplings are golden brown, take them out of the fryer and drain excess oil on kitchen roll.
4- Serve warm (because of the kids heh) with chili sauce for dipping.
Bon apatite!!

Next time, I'm going to try her 'famous' plain sweet dumpling recipe. Till next time, folks.

Lonely..

In the silence of the night, with only the sound of the fan turning and the occasional car driving past the main road, I feel so alone.

The boys are asleep, lost in deep slumber.
Innocent children, so precious yet so trying at times.
But they are mine and their love is pure.
Unlike mine.

Wishing for him to come home..
Wishing he would hold me tight..
Wishing he would whisper sweet words in my ear..
Wishing to hear the words again..

Sometimes, I hate this love I feel for him.
It's keeping me bound to him.

Taboo.

Remember this post?

Well, it wasn't a bogus one. Yesterday, I felt the pain in my lower abdomen again & sure as clockwork, my period is right on schedule. So, yesterday, I had to rush out to the nearest shop to buy me some pads.

While at the checkout counter, we ('we' comprises of the nasi lemak (rice cooked in coconut milk) lady, the shopkeeper's son and I) had an interesting discussion about the 'taboo' surrounding menstrual cycles and how girls used to find out about 'it'.

There I was, holding the pack of sanitary pads and handing it over to the shopkeeper's son. The nasi lemak lady saw that he just packed it in a plain colored plastic bag, so she said, "Why don't you put it in a black plastic bag?" To which, the shopkeeper's son said, "We've run out of black plastic bags."

I then said, "It's ok, it's not as if everybody doesn't know what it is for anyway."

That remark started the discussion. The nasi lemak lady remarked that these days, girls/women no longer looked bothered or embarrassed about buying pads in public. She told us that when she was younger, she used to sneak around the shop, waiting for the perfect moment when there would be no men at the counter, before paying for her pads. Even then, the pads would have to be wrapped in newspaper and then placed inside a black plastic bag, so that the content wouldn't be known.

This was exactly how I used to buy my pads, before I got tired of sneaking around and feeling ashamed of something so fundamental. I didn't even know about the menstruation cycle before I first had it at the age of 11. Truthfully, I cried my eyes out after I discovered that I had peed blood. On that fateful day, 21 years ago, I thought that I was going to die or something, just because I peed blood and didn't know what to do. Luckily, Tok Pit, our babysitter/housekeeper found out about it and so, she was the one who sat down beside me and told me everything about periods and its cycle.

While I was growing up, I was never told about menstrual cycles. Both my mom and eldest sister didn't say anything about it to us, smaller girls. All I know was that there are times when my mom and sister couldn't join us during family prayers because they are 'sick'. Nobody told us what their sickness was & we didn't ask anyway, not that I remember. So, imagine my fear when blood came out when I peed that first day I became baligh.

I remember the pads I used to wear were just like strips of cotton with sticky bottoms. My father used to buy them for us, and he brought them home always wrapped in newspaper and in a black bag. As I grew older, my taste in pads got better (Kotex, Whisper) but the stigma of buying pads in public sticks. I could never buy pads without feeling ashamed/embarrassed. But as I hit my 20's, I slowly realized that every women are going through the same cycle as I am. And I am sure every father/brother/husband who lives with a woman would know about it as well, so why the shame? Thus, I began to feel less and less embarrassed about buying sanitary pads in public.

So, our impromptu discussion brought back quite some memories. The nasi lemak lady even laughed while she told us the story about how she and her friends helped another friend who had a mishap at school. That girl discovered a little stain on her school uniform and was crying about it. You know how it is, a RED stain on white baju kurung? Oh, the shame! So, a group of them formed a wall around the girl and slowly walked with her to the toilet. Then the nasi lemak lady ran to tell their class teacher who was luckily a lady teacher. She took the girl home for a change of uniform and brought her back to school, with her pride intact.

Personally, I'm not sure why my mom never discussed menstruation/periods with us, or maybe I was too young to remember if we did have that discussion. Nevertheless, if and when I do have daughters of my own, I'd be sure to fill them in on the sisterhood of the pads. I don't want them to go through what I went through when I first had mine.

Fried rice MY way!

Haha.

This is a recipe for Fried Rice My Way.
It was inspired by Mr. Pakaq a.k.a Pakcik Anak Badak.

The base:
3 garlic cloves, minced.
2 medium onions, minced.
6 chili Melaka, crushed (small, hot chili).
Half a cup of premixed veggies (orn, carrot & green peas).
2 eggs and fish-balls.
2 tablespoon oil.
1 small pot of rice.
Soy sauce for taste.



How to cook:

1- Heat the oil in a large wok.
2- Saute the onions first till they turn brownish. Then toss in the garlic, chili and veggies. Let them fry a bit with constant stirring.
3- Toss in the fish-balls and mix well.
4- Crack the eggs into the mix and stir till the eggs form scrambled eggs.
5. Pour in the rice and stir everything together. Pour a splash of soy sauce according to how salty you want the fried rice to be.

Once you are satisfied with how the fried rice taste, serve it hot with a pitcher of cold Nescafe O.

Yummy!

Oh crap!

I'm feeling very, very, VERY annoyed right now.
Been building up this feeling since this morning.
About what else if it's not Ahmad.

He goes out everyday now, not for job-hunting, but fishing.
F.I.S.H.I.N.G. ladies and gentlemen, F.I.S.H.I.N.G!!!

I mean, what the &*^$?
And we don't do anything with the fish he caught.
Well, the first few times we did but after the 100th time, bleghh...?

He wouldn't even sell them, they usually die of boredom in our sons' plastic bathtub. (Don't worry, I've already disinfected the tub with heavy duty cleaners)

What pisses me of is the fact that he wouldn't even let me visit my mom, who's in Ampang now. Since Baba is not around (went to Nashville to check on my youngest brother who studies at Vanderbilt U), she's staying there with my younger sister for the duration of his absence.
He (Ahmad, not my father) goes out everyday, enjoying his butt off & I'm stuck here babysitting this stupid place! Which is not even mine! And which I hate!

When he DOES come home, he's all tired out, sleeping in the evening then wakes up just to head out again. BS! Comes back home 2, 3 a.m every night.

It wouldn't have piss me off so bad if he'd been working hard & is just enjoying a little R&R but since he had quit his job, all he's doing now is wasting time.

ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If only I have a pan large enough to bang his head with!