One word to describe 2010?

I got the inspiration after reading Cecily's blog at Uppercase Woman.

I think my word would be FREEDOM.

At the beginning of the year, my husband and I were busy going from one night market to another for our bundle business. We'd be spending most of our time outside the house, which was a blessing in disguise for me, at least. But it was a tiring life, especially after we have Nazrin. Then, hubby decided to quite the business and go back to his old job, driving trailers.

So, we traded in our van for a used-car and that was my 2nd freedom. Being able to drive myself anywhere (with hubby's permission, off course) without having to wait/depend on him is quite liberating. I could even visit my sisters in KL this year, which was unthinkable last year, since hubby doesn't really want to take to much time away from the business. This year alone, I've driven back home to Alor Star, went shopping with the boys, and most recently, went to The Lost World Tambun, and spent 2 days with my sister & her family. I feel like I'm in touch with my family again. *sigh*

My 3rd freedom is when Shahrin is of to TASKA for 4 hours, 5 days a week. Don't judge, ok? I love my son but a few hours away from him is very, VERY good for my mental status, ok. Plus, I get to spend that time bonding with Nazrin and have some ME time. Heheh. During this school holiday, all Shahrin ever do is watch cartoon all day and pick fights with me and his brother. I've lost count of the number of time I have to be referee, judge, police and the person to snuggle with, whenever the boys get into fights over toys, TV/Astro remote (typically boys!) and *me*. I'm looking forward to Monday, next week, when his pre-school starts as usual. At least, he'll get to develop better social skills and learn something new everyday.

My broadband connection would be my 4th freedom. I am L.O.V.I.N.G. my internet connection! and I don't care that I have to spend RM68 every month for it. Since getting connected (I used to have to go to Cyber Cafes if I need to go online), I'm almost always on Facebook, looking up friends and family members, I've maintained this blog, though not as often as I'd like, I've been getting translation jobs and feeling less disconnected. A small price to pay for being able to stay in touch with everybody.

What's that?

What's my 1st freedom?

Well, it's for me to know and for you to wonder. Sorry, this is to protect 'my' privacy, though, maybe it's pointless since I know there are possibilities of certain individuals figuring out what it is anyway.

So, I'm really looking forward to 2011. Hopefully, it will be a greater year than this one, with me learning more about myself. By the way, I've registered for the English for Business Writing class at USM and on Monday, I'll either get my class schedule or have to re-register for the class at main campus. They've informed me that during registration, only 4 students have registered so far and they need at least 6 students to start a class. I already have a babysitter for Nazrin, for the days when I do have classes to attend, while Shahrin will be at his pre-school, so, I think I'm set on that matter.

I'm keeping fingers and toes cross for the class to be offered this semester. I think I miss being in a class, with similar minded people and going places, without babies on either hand. :p

BRING IT ON 2011!!!

A warning? A reminder? what? what?

Last night hubby took us shopping at Tesco. The shopping event itself was pretty normal, if you count cranky, sleepy, snotty 1.5 years old as a normal part of your everyday life, heheh.

Anyway, we were nearly finished with our grocery shopping when Nazrin really acted up, since by that time, it was waaayyy past his bedtime. So, as we head towards the check-out counter, I told hubby to wait for me at our car because I have to nurse Nazrin before he really blows a gasket.

Left hubby and Shahrin at the counter to pay up and I headed towards the musolla for a bit of privacy while I nurse Nazrin.

There was a lady there, just finishing her Isya' prayer. I didn't pay her any attention at all because I have a major containment issue at hand, hint: Nazrin. But as Nazrin was finally happy nursing, I noticed that the lady was staring at us, with a dreamy, faraway look on her face. I smiled and said, "He couldn't wait till we finished shopping, had to make a quick stop here before heading home."

To which she said, "He looks so cute, I was just thinking about my littlest one."
.
.
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And promptly burst out crying!
.
.
I was like, was it something I said??

Turned out, that lady was going through a rough divorce. She have 3 children of her own but her ex-husband wanted to keep them all. Since she didn't have the money to hire a divorce attorney, she couldn't fight him for them. That wasn't all, her husband divorced her because he has finally found his true-love and wanted to marry her (who was in her teens by the way). The lady I was talking to was his mother's choice, so, they were literally an arranged-marriage couple.

She said he didn't even feel guilty about leaving her, childless and a divorcee too, just because he found someone else. And they have been married for quite a long time. As a mother and a wife, I feel for her. It seems unfair for her to be dealing with 2 major heartbreaks at once. I think, being divorced is hard enough, but to be separated from all her children? No wonder she burst out after watching me nurse Nazrin.

Our conversation didn't last long though. She managed to compose herself and tried to lighten the mood by telling me her plans of opening her own restaurant. She's been working at the food court for 2 years and has learned enough to try and make it on her own. Then, we parted ways, she headed towards her and Nazrin and I went to the parking lots.

As I walked towards our car and saw hubby waiting for us inside, I felt tears stinging my eyes. I remembered my own heartbreak when my parents were against our relationship at first. At that time, I thought being told by my parents that he can never be my husband was painful enough. I was wrong. After becoming his wife, there are other possible heartbreaks that could happen to me. Marriage in real life is never like Cinderella's story: And they live happily ever after. I pray to GOD that I may never feel the pain of that lady. Though my heart goes to her. May GOD grant her the strength and wisdom to get through her ordeal.

Bummer!

Last night I made plans with an ex-schoolmate on FB, to meet today.
I haven't seen her in a very long time and there was supposed to be another long-lost friend coming too.

We planned to have a mini gathering at the new McD Kulim because she lives in Kulim and I do know how to get there. We agreed to meet around 5pm since the other friend (she'll be flying back to Sarawak soon since she's been posted there as a teacher) who is coming has prior engagement in the afternoon. I was so looking forward to this day.

I had a busy day today, finishing chores as fast as I could, so that the boys and I could start on our journey around 3pm in order to be in Kulim at 5pm. I had everything all planned out.

Alas.

It was not meant to be. I couldn't attend the gathering due to car problem; my car's battery went dead on me. HUHHUUHUUU

Luckily, it happened at a petrol station not far from home or I would've been in BIG trouble.
As we started on our journey around 3.15pm, I noticed that the gas gauge was at half-empty. So, like the responsible driver that I am, I stopped at the nearest petrol station to fill it up. Unfortunately, when I tried to start the car afterward, it wouldn't. I kept trying and trying but it didn't catch.

Called hubby to ask him to call the mechanic, but he sent over his father instead. Well, help is help, so, my FIL switched our car's battery with his, after failing to jump-start it using his jumper cable. Our car is automatic so we couldn't do the push-the-car-while-in-1st-gear-and-start-it technique and his is a manual, so it was logical to switch batteries.

Long story short, my hopes of having a great time with my long lost friends have been denied. *sigh* Hopefully, I can still meet my friend who lives in Kulim one of these days.

Absolute presupposition much?

As the title said, I am in an absolute presupposition rut.

The phrase means a situation or condition or belief that is unquestionably, unarguably TRUE!

Quote: If you are encountering an usually tough situation in life, it is because you believe it to be an absolute presupposition. Unquote. Though I don't remember where I read this. Sorry.

Like the current living situation I'm in now. I have somehow programmed my brain to think that I have no choice but to just suck it up and stay.

I found a house last month, told hubby about it, he didn't say anything about it though. *sigh*
I feel really frustrated with his nonchalant behavior. He knows exactly how I feel about living here but he either say nothing when I talk about moving or he'd say things like,
"I'll ask around, ok?" when I first started talking about moving out, or
"Let's just wait till our financial situation is a bit better" or when I told him about the house I found, "I'll go and check out the house first before I decide, ok?"
which was last week and still he hasn't decide.

URRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Planning for a better year.

I've promised my ex-school buddy to list up the printables for better organizing your life here.
It took so long to make this list because I made the mistake of not noting which folder my downloads went to, since I have 2 drives; a C: and a D: due to a re-formatting situation last year.

Anyways, hopefully, with these printables, I can keep better track of my everyday things to-do, including my personal life.

a- From Tricia, a to-do list with a flowery background. She also has a 'brainstorm your wish' printables which would be a great start when you're making your new year's resolution. Well, she's got tons of other printables available for free, so head on over to her blog and knock yourself out.

b- From Issa, a to-do list that is also great for setting priorities and another style of to-do list with a selection of colours for you to choose. She's got a cute monthly budget planning spreadsheet too, if you're into budgeting, unlike moi heheh. There's plenty of other great ideas that you can get over at her blog, so enjoy!

c- From paperglitter, cute strawberry to-do lists that you can personalize yourself.

These are just some of the printables I found while blog-hopping. The other stuff I downloaded were mostly cute printables from them that don't really apply with listing to-do stuff, hehh. I meant to search for more but I'm feeling sleepy already. Hopefully, the three links I've given can lead you to more links of your own.

Now, if only I have enough moolahs to buy myself a printer, then I could print these fabulous printables for actual use.

The state of my mind, The Sequel

The 'blah' feelings are still not over. These couple of days, one minute, I'd get worked up about something then the next minute, that energy would be gone. Blah!

Just today, I did practically nothing! Got up when the boys kept bugging me about breakfast; Shahrin wanted his formula and Nazrin wanted to nurse and "Andi..Bu..andi" (translation: bath, Ibu (mom) bath), gave them what they wanted then sat down to watch TV with them. After a while, I got up to have my own breakfast, with Nazrin close behind. He's like my shadow, constantly tagging along wherever I go, cute. After finishing breakfast, I left the dishes in the sink and 'tried' to tidy up the living room, which got totally wrecked, again, in 5 minutes. *sigh*

Looked at the laundry basket, thought about dealing with the HUGE pile of dirty clothes in it but then, saw the clean basket of unfolded laundry. *sigh* Decided against doing any washing today, my washing machine could have wept in gratitude, haha. Broke up a potential fight between the boys and had to sit down to referee them, while watching TV, which lasted for hours. By this time, it was already noon, meaning time for lunch, a simple one because I only reheated last night's kenduri dishes (hubby's mother held a small kenduri tahlil for her parents at her other house in Taiping). So, boring everyday stuff happened today. On to my thoughts that I've managed to avoid for a while now.

2. My soon-to-be-days-as-a-student, coming up next week.

My mom's been on my back since like, forever, about finding a job. Previously, she'd been pushing me to get a PhD since I've already have a MSc (which was also her doing, after I spent a year jobless after getting my Bachelors degree). But I was adamant about not getting into it, just finishing MSc was like pulling a tooth with pliers. So, she backed off for a while, then came back with a vengeance, this time with a new twist; job-hunting.

Actually, I kind of blame her for my 'unlucky' job-hunting disaster. During school breaks and semester breaks, she never let me take on a part-time job. School breaks were spent on going from one school activity/competition to another, or studying for PMR and later SPM (I went to a boarding school). During grad school, I mainly spent my days either looking after my oldest sister's babies (I helped care for her 3 older children) or stayed at home.

So, I never have previous working experience, like one of my ex-housemates back in grad school. She spent her breaks working at a factory so she could pay for the next semester. I kind of feel jealous of her, for her freedom and independence. I know I shouldn't blame my mom for my own lacking but I feel like, if she had given me that freedom to work during breaks, at least I could have a better answer for the "PREVIOUS JOBS" section in job-vacancies forms, other than a blank space.

I managed to avoid the PhD issue by suggesting that I take up a part-time class to better dress up my resume. Hence, registration Monday, next week at my old uni but in a different school. My part-time class will be about English for Business, a 40 hours, 12 weeks class. This is my attempt to build up my profile for my translating/proof-reading/editing online venture. Hopefully, this class can give me the boost I need to either start looking seriously at working at home or finding a job that fit my meager skills better.

3. Our own house/home.

This topic is becoming a thorn in my side, a really bothersome issue. *sigh*
I found a house for rent last week but it was a bit pricey. Asked hubby about it but he only said he'd check it out. I don't know whether he'd done so or not because, with him, talking about renting our own house is kind of a 'red switch', with a big "DO NOT TOUCH" sign on it. He knows I hate living here at his mother's house but he's not doing anything to rectify our current situation. If only I'm gutsy enough, I'd just go ahead and rent that house, he can live here alone till the day he dies because I'm taking my sons out of here.

BUT.

I don't have a job. I have no income of my own. My parents offered to pay for rent if I really make it out of this house but they can't support us forever. D*#n! I don't know what to think anymore.

The state of my mind..

It's been a week since I wrote anything here. I've been feeling blank these past weeks, maybe because I've been focusing more on my translating projects and just push other thoughts to the back of my mind.

As of 2 days ago, I'm a free woman again.

And now, the other thoughts are all clamoring to come forth again. *sigh*

1. First and foremost: My son's operation (which was originally scheduled for next week).

This whole month, I was really focused on Shahrin's up-coming operation because it was scheduled to be on 23/12 and I have to register for my part-time English course on 27/12. The doctors at Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah informed me that recovery would take at least 4 days, so I would really be pressed for time if I want to make it back here on the 27th. I've also made plans with my parents for my husband and I during our stay in Alor Setar. I figured that they could also help to care for Nazrin since I know *I* would have to stay with Shahrin during post-op. I practically had next week all planned nicely.

BUT. My husband called me this morning, to tell me that Hospital Sultanah Bahiyah called him, to inform us that the operation has been rescheduled. To March next year. *sigh* I didn't answer their call this morning because I was driving to Hospital Taiping, for my son's appointment (he still has Dr.'s appointments every 4 months as follow-ups since he was a baby) and to get his medical history from H. Taiping, to give to the doctors at H. S. Bahiyah. Now, that letter is on my desk, useless, for now anyway.

Here's an excerpt of that letter:

Patient is under our paeds clinic follow up for growth & development (he's ex-prem @33/52) & failure to thrive (weight & length alpha thalassemia carrier.

Regarding his cervical lymphadenopathy, it was noticed since he was 2 years old; multiple, firm and non tender. Mantoux test is negative, all other blood investigation done showing results relating to alpha-thalassemia, otherwise child is well, active, his mental growth & development also normal and up to age.

These medical problems are the ones monitored by H.Taiping. The operation in H.S.Bahiyah (they have the best pediatric surgeon in the Northern region) would be to correct his hypospadia condition. Read more about it here. Be warned of the graphic though!

This condition is a form of congenital defect, detected after birth. Thankfully, his condition is only a minor one, requiring at least, only 2 corrective surgery, to repair the shaft and the hole. If you look at the picture on that Wikipedia site, that penis has a hole on the side, while my son's penis's hole (the urethra) is at the bottom of the shaft, the third degree kind. Hopefully, that's all the surgery he'll be going through. But actually, he'd already undergone one surgery, for a hypospadia-related condition; an un-descended testis which has been corrected when he was 2 years old. (It was during the month of Ramadhan and it was while caring for him that I noticed that I was pregnant with Nazrin :p)

Although, the surgery doesn't really bother me, it's all the other medical problems. His growth is a private family joke; he's small like his father! but the alpha-thalassemia thing and the lumps on his neck are major issues. Even though, as a carrier, he can lead a normal life and wouldn't have to worry about any blood related illness, the condition itself is worrisome. I, myself, am a carrier, but I didn't know about being one till my father took me to have a full-blood test some 10 years ago. The lumps on his neck are not painful, they're just there; some small, some big, thought to be a sign of TB, hence the mantoux test and 2 X-rays of his chest. Thankfully, the test was -ve and the X-ray showed no consolidation in his chest, so TB was ruled out.

Unfortunately, the doctors don't know why the lumps are there. Thus, the letter to H.S.Bahiyah, I had requested for the surgeons to get a sample of one of Shahrin's lumps for analysis since they'll be operating on him. The doctors at H.Taiping didn't want to do an invasive surgery just to figure out what they were, so, it was kind of 'killing 2 birds with one stone'.

p/s: this post has been 2 days in the making, *sigh* Nazrin has a fever and has been so clingy the past 3 days. I think I'll just post this now and continue later. Chow.

oh joy!

I'm not sure what happened but it seems like today
(actually, it was yesterday, 8th Dec since it's already 12.30am)
is my BLOG's lucky day! YAY!

Firstly, I received an e-mail from ManggaAd about a new partner.
Then, not 2 hours (give or take) later, I receive another e-mail about another partner.
Though I'm not quite sure how the partner-thing works, it feels good to have readers add my blog to their reading list. Thank you! :p

Then, I went blog-hopping and stopped by the Momsbloggerplanet, the one on my side bar, and commented on two posts there. Syigim, the author of the posts I commented and
blogger at How do I Spell the Word replied and visited me.
And she's now one of my followers! Yay!

And three more unknown* readers have also followed me,
so that makes my blog's followers a total of 9!

Ermm, hmm..only 9?
Ah, well, this is a 'young' blog.
And I'm sure with time and patience, plus more interesting posts,
my blog will have more followers. Insya ALLAH.

*Unknown because they only registered their name, and no blog URL.
So, I couldn't follow them back.
To these individuals, please leave a URL so I can follow you back.

Edited to add, after publishing this post,
I discovered that another person has followed this blog! Wow! 10! I have 10! followers.

**other bloggers with hundreds of followers are sure to laugh at my childish joy of having
a mere 10 followers, but still, I heart my followers! Yay!

A passion for languages.

I read somewhere in Oprah.com (here I go again, with Oprah haha) on finding who you really are, that you should stop and think about the things that give you joy, catch your interest or stayed in your mind. These snippets should be able to guide you in choosing/deciding what you are going to be doing with your life.

p/s: I very much would like to link that article here but it's already late & I'm too lazy to go snooping around there for it.

Well, what really stood out for me, in my memories from high school till grad school, were the language classes that I took, voluntarily or not.

In high school, from Form 1 till Form 3, it was compulsory for all students (well, my batch anyway) to study Arabic. My mother had learned it herself so I figured I would really fly through the class. Unfortunately, I had some bad interactions (my faults entirely) with one of the teachers who taught us Arabic and I grew weary of the subject. Luckily, we didn't have to take Arabic in our PMR exam or I would've flunked it. Then, in Form 4, we get to choose an elective subject for SPM and Arabic was one of them. Needless to say, I stirred far away from that subject, much to my mother's disappointment.

Then, during my 2nd year in matriculation, one of the Chinese society clubs offered Mandarin classes for free. One of my friend, a Chinese Sarawakian was going to teach in that class and she asked me if I would like to join her. Since Mandarin was used quite extensively amongst Malaysian Chinese (please correct me if I'm wrong :p) I thought it would be great to learn it. I was really fascinated with the fact that they didn't only teach Mandarin, they also taught us about 'service above self'. This phrase stuck with me because it is the single drive behind everything they do. This particular society club would hold study-groups, one-on-one tutoring, hold charity meetings and other stuffs that really reflects 'service above self'. However, I didn't finish the class because I got stuck when it came to writing Chinese characters. Man, even the slightest little dash, mistakenly placed would lead to chaos in the meaning of the word you are writing. Every stroke has its own place and sequence. You can't just write down the word the way you want. And this was my downfall in Japanese class as well.

What?!! Japanese class? Yes, it was for an elective 2 credit hours subject during undergrads. While most of my friends choose Arabic, I decided that I want to learn Japanese. I loved it! I love the words, the pronunciation, their culture. I was quite alright when we were just learning about hiragana; the way to write the characters, how to say them. But when we advanced to kanji, that's when I flopped. It was really hard, to memorize the exact spot to stroke a dash, the correct sequence when writing. I mean, it was deja vu all over again. Learning it in Mandarin class was hard enough but learning it in Japanese class? I got all mixed up, hehe. Though I have to say that I scored quite well in that subject.

And after watching all the Spanish soap-dramas on TV; Mis Tres Hermanas, La Usur Padora, Yo Soy Betty La fey and etc, I think I have grasped a few words here and there. Not forgetting Handy Manny on Disney Channel. He's the handy man with the talking tools who is also a Mexican who speaks English. He incorporates some Spanish words here and there during the show.

So, where does all these leave me? Am I destined to be a multi-lingual speaker who would do great one day? Should I take one particular language seriously and take it to the next level? Maybe I'll just stick to English and finish the course I'll be taking first.

Money matters.

You know the best way to double your money?
Fold it and put it in your pocket.
Phyllis Diller

I found this quote in Reader's Digest, June 2007 issue.

Kind of funny and it is, yet at the same time, ironic, given the economic situation we're having these past years. It insinuates the need to NOT spend, which for me is easy because I don't really go shopping very much. Things I shop for are basic necessities; food, diapers, household items and the occasional cravings.

Be that it may, I am currently totally dependent on my hubby and occasionally on my parents for my spending money. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is not good for my confidence and self-esteem at all.

I started this blog as a means to support myself and my boys without depending to much on either hubby or parents. Unfortunately, as other bloggers are throwing extremely good posts left and right, I could merely post about my own anxiety, my lack of ambition, some stories about my boys, my rants and practically more boring posts about nothing important.

Remember the post I did on ReadBud? Well, my prediction came through; after I reached the $50 mark, the balance on my account bounced back to $40, as if I never did reach the mark that makes me eligible for a redemption, at all. That's why their banner was taken off. I've sent them dozens of complaints but they didn't even acknowledge me. I was really looking forward to having that $50 (about RM 150) in my PayPal account.

I've also joined the ManggaAd group, the ad you see on my side bar? I've only earned RM 0.07 since joining. Man, that number looks really depressing. *sigh*

There's also the Info Links ad, where they highlights/underscores phrases/words that are commonly searched for and attach an ad to it. This one? Zilch. Nada. No money from this venture yet.

Let's see, what else? Oh, in my Facebook page, I am offering translation services (English to Malay and vice verse), as well as proofreading (though I have no official training at doing this), editing (this one as well) and composition. I've scored with doing translation, I did get a few projects to translate but they are slow in coming.

I need a money-earning job NOW! Like yesterday!

With regards to job-hunting, I've failed at that one too. I failed the year after graduation, I failed the year after getting my Masters, and I am failing this time around too.

Boo-hoo.

If only Adam Lambert's words are true:
MONEY, FAME AND FORTUNE NEVER CAN COMPETE,
IF I HAVE YOU.

I have the man I wanted but my happily ever after is not in sight.

Life's little pleasures.

This is a story of two brothers who love each other very much but still too young to really show it.

One brother is a bit clingy while the other is more independent.

One prefers to play alone with his assortments of toy cars, trains and trucks.
The other loves to explore his surroundings, much to his mother's frustration. He really messes things up when he goes exploring.

The older brother sometimes loves playing tag with his younger brother, who in turn would instigate the game whenever he can. When they are having fun, the whole house would be filled with their laughter. Such joy to watch them enjoying their play with each other.

The older brother is more reserved and a bit on the timid side.
The younger brother is very adventurous and feels he can do anything at all.

Both are very talkative and expressive when they want something. The younger one is even worse, he couldn't wait for anything. If his mother is a little too slow at giving him what he wants, his tantrum routine; cry as loud as he can, run away from mother, stop, cry some more, then turn around to see if she's coming to get him, if not then he'd run back towards his mother. Repeat if still doesn't get what he wants.

Both love to give kisses. The best present his mother ever gets. Tiny little lips, all puckered up for 'tiss-tiss' (kiss-kiss). Freely given by the older brother, a little coaxing is needed for kisses from the younger one.

The older is very good at following orders. Mother is very pleased to have someone she can ask for help with picking up dirty laundry, throwing trash into the bin, getting her phone from the shelf, etc. He is her 'hand-little-helper'.

The younger is her breakfast/lunch/dinner date, everyday. He is a good eater and whenever she sits down to eat, he'll come running. But he wants his own plate and food. If his mother attempts to feed him, he'll shake his head so hard, she worries it might fall off. At 1.5 years old, he's getting pretty good at feeding himself. The older one is not very keen at eating. He prefers watching TV.

The little buggers are their mother's treasure and she loves them very much.

1 4 3

Yay! I'm done!

Alhamdulillah...

I have finally finished translating the paper and book I'm supposed to translate.

It have been an eye opener for me. Never did I realized that I don't even know some of the words in my native language I found in the bilingual dictionary. *gasp*

Nor did I realized that I understand English quite well but to translate it into Malay, I'm at lost for words. Haha. It was like I know what the sentence/paragraph/word means but I just don't know how to put it/them into Malay words.

Thank GOD for the dictionary. I would have been 'at lost for words'. <-- get it? hahaha, lame joke.

Anyway, I've also come to the conclusion that if I ever wish to succeed at work-at-home, I have to prioritize my time. I really need to make a list of the things/chores/work to do for the day and stick to it because I am a champion PROCRASTINATOR.

Personally, this has been my yearly-new-year-resolution which I never follow through. Hah! I'm fed up with myself :(

I've found some great organizational blogs that offers free calendars, lists, schedules and stuff to make their lives easier and more organized. I am going to pick their blog/brain so that I can actually follow through with the not-so-new-year-resolution thing.

Hopefully, 2011 will be a greater year for me, myself and mine.
Insya ALLAH

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Haha funny.

Is there anybody still reading this blog? I've been so focused on my translation project, I've neglected my blog. Sorry guys.

It seems like I have had quite a bad month, starting with my toothache, then going to the dentist, have it extracted and had to suffer through bad coughing plus swollen gum. It didn't stop there, I cough so hard, I have headache; maybe from the swollen gum too but I wasn't sure, and I pee my pants. Embarrassing but totally not my fault (is it? hahaha) because I've found out 2 years ago that the condition is called incontinence due to child-birth.

Then, during the Eid Adha, hubby's relative said something to me that really tore me up. Thus the 2 lame post I wrote previously. What that person said totally wrecked my mood and my self-esteem. I felt like a loser, a nobody, useless.

I know that I've been imposing on their kindness for too long now, 5 years to be exact. But I didn't want this! I didn't want to be the live-in-housekeeper. I want my own place! I've told them that over and over, I've argued with hubby about this since 4 years ago. But nobody listens to me.

I hate this.

But life goes on.

I still have my boys to cheer me up, my parents for love and support, I know hubby loves me in his own selfish way. These days, I can only focus on my translating project (okey, that's complete BS because I am procrastinating; FB, blog-hopping, TV watching etc :D) but you get the idea right?

So, till we meet again folks.
Signing out.

Head bowed down in humility..

I know when I'm not wanted here.

I know that no matter what I do, I'm always in the wrong.

I know nothing I do would ever be enough.

I know I'm imposing on their kindness and generosity.

I know I'm a hypocrite.

I know I need to find us a house, all for ourselves, Ahmad excluded if he chooses to stay here.

I know I'm getting to the point of not caring what they say anymore.

I know I NEED to do what's best for me and the boys.

I know all these but....

I know I need the courage to do it.

Just crap!

I was once told by a senior in my boarding school that I was rude.

I was once informed by a friend that another friend said I was selfish.

I was once told by my mother that I am lazy.

I was once told by a bomoh that I don't do much thinking.

I was once reprimanded for being a recluse.

I was once scolded/berated at for defending my son's innocence.

I am sure they were all right about me. I am these things and more.
.
.
.
.
.
And I f@$*ing hate knowing all these because I aim to please. Anybody. Everybody.
I try to please my husband by making enemies in his family.
I try to please my mother by alienating my husband once in a while.
I try to please...

But in the end...it's never enough. I always fall short.

Before and after.

BEFORE:

Before I went to see the dentist, my tooth hurts, constantly, a dull, ever present pain that reaches to my brain.

AFTER:

After I got my tooth extracted yesterday, I had to zone-out with painkillers, because the before pain had become even more unbearable!
The doctor failed to pull out the whole tooth since it had rotted near the root. So my old tooth is still in there, half of it anyway. The dentist said there's nothing she could do to extract the root out but I'm not to worry because the root looks kind of intact.
The problem is I think my gum is swollen and my cheek hurts too.
Then on the 24th I have another appointment with her for scaling. Check out this nice article about scaling your teeth.
I've never had any problem with my teeth, just the normal baby-teeth-falling-out and the occasional scaling. I don't have any cavity, none, they were all perfectly normal, well, except for slight yellowish coloring, heh.
However, being pregnant with the boys, I have been told again and again by the local doctor that the fetus will absorb much of the mother's calcium and other nutrients.
I guess having toothache after toothache after having the boys are small prices to pay for their love.

p/s: okey, I know this is a crappy post but bare with me for another day or two till I've taken stock of what is really still causing this pain. Hopefully the pain will subside enough for me to continue to semi-function around the house. LOL.

Double whammy!

My tooth hurts!
Since 6 days ago!
And there's nothing I can do about it because I missed tooth-extraction day: Tuesday!

It started becoming unbearable on Wednesday. It's my wisdom tooth (why do we call them that? wisdom tooth? I see no point in calling them so), they've been bothering me since they crowned 7 years ago (I'm a late bloomer, heh). They didn't hurt when they were coming out but afterwards, they've been digging into my cheeks and hurting my gum. I've already got one removed, now I have to patiently wait 1 more day for tooth-extraction day, tomorrow. St*#%d clinic wouldn't accept request for emergency extractions, they only do it on Tuesday<-- read with heavy sarcasm. How convenient for them, don't they know just how hurtful it is to bear a toothache??? I had to buy painkillers from a pharmacy because I couldn't stand the constant pain.

Then about 2 days ago, my throat started feeling itchy and scratchy. Now I coughing like hell. I didn't sleep well at night because of the coughing. I cough so hard, I pee in my pants. It's not enough that I already suffer from incontinence after delivering the boys. Ughh..with the coughing and the toothache, think I'll eat more painkillers. *sigh*

SAHM, WAHM, thank you Ma'am

For the uninitiated, SAHM stands for Stay At Home Mom, WAHM is Work At Home Mom, which technically is the same thing (for me anyway because staying at home IS work too), although WAHM are really mothers who work AT home. Then there's the WAFHM, Work Away From Home Mom, the bulk of the motherhood community who goes out to work.

Mothers everywhere are battling it out over who is the better mother, those who work away from home or those who stay at home. And with the booming technology and internet connections, another breed of mothers have emerged; those who work at home (or maybe they have always existed? hmm).

Okay, calm down. Don't get all ruffled up people. This is one fight, if not handled delicately, can cause a Civil War to explode.

Personally, staying at home with my boys is a choice I made out of necessity, starting with my first son having problems due to being born premature at 33 weeks gestation. We had to take him to the hospital every 2 weeks for follow-ups after he was released after spending almost a month there. Then there's the constipation problem he started having since he was 4 month old till now, he's 4 years old now btw. All of these complications made me realized that I need to spend more time with him, not send him off to a nursery or to a nanny, plus the fact that after graduating and sending out hundreds of job applications to no avail, so I chose to stay at home with him.

Hubby had also started his own business, so I figured we could kill two birds with one stone. I get to stay at home with my son and help my husband with our family business. Perfect. Except when the great recession hit USA and we got affected by the shoddy economy. People are getting smarter with their money, less spending on expensive items and more on daily staples; food. We barely manage to survive on our meager sales, thankfully my parents helped out. That's when my mom started nagging me about going to work, for the sake of my boys and for my own sake. She didn't want me and the boys to be left high and dry should anything bad happens to hubby.

She right, she's always right, you know. Just 6 months ago, hubby decided to quit the business and get back to working in a day job. The first 3 months after he quit, we lived on my savings (the student loan that I've managed to save during undergrad) alone since he doesn't have one. We didn't have anything else to fall back on, except for my parents, whom as always, will bail me out financially every time we get short. Thankfully, our financial situation is looking better since hubby is getting his groove back, he went back to trucking long distance, a job he quit after Shahrin was born. But I understand now that I myself need to have my own income.

I've started back on the job hunting, resume sending cycle. So far, nobody has gotten back to me and I've failed to be shortlisted in the USM job offer. *sigh* Ok, truthfully, I'm not liking the idea of leaving the boys and having to learn to navigate office politics at my age* heh. When hubby got me this broadband connection, I was eager, even foolishly looking forward to managing my own VA (Virtual Assistant) business. What I found after digging here and there showed me that there's more to being a VA than just having internet connection and some basic management knowledge. I've also advertised my translation, proofreading, editing, composing 'venture' on my Facebook but it has been slow, non-existent even.

I really wish I could join in the WAHM sisterhood and choose to care for my children myself while managing my OWN business. My initiative is to take a part-time English for business course with USM, to start next month, so that I'll have credibility. Other than that, I'll start looking for online secretarial classes, if there are any, so that I can pursue the VA angle. I've also found some local WAHM bloggers who are very vocal about their choice to work at home rather than join the rat race. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two from them.

I'm going to build a new ANIS persona. I'm going to change myself for the better, for the boys' sake as well as my own. INSYA ALLAH.

Fabric covered cakeboard

Hi there,

This is my attempt to be crafty and to fulfill my heart's voice, telling me to find the 'artist' in me again. I used to love doing crafts; I love origami, I love constructing things from stuff, if I remember correctly I used to draw quite well too. So, this afternoon, I spent 1 hour constructing a 3-piece-would-be-bedroom-wall-decoration. Check it out!

These were the bottom part or platter or I don't know what they are called but you know, right? Your cake comes on top of these board thingies. I got 2 from Shahrin's cake and cupcakes (for his birthday back in August) and the other one from my sister. The original design from Cheryl over at Tidy Mom calls for canvases but I don't know where to get them plus I thought reusing these boards would be better for my budget, because they're free, well sort of hehe.

These are T-shirts. We used to sell 2nd hand clothes and these were 2 T-shirts I found in our left over stash of bundles. The one on the left has flower prints on it and kind of wavy bumps on it. The one on the right has white flowers and monograms on it.

And TADAAA!!!!

Ok, please ignore the polystyrene box they are resting on because I don't have anything to nail these babies on the wall yet. But they are going to be featured in our bedroom. I'm seriously thinking of changing the white flowers into red flowers for the center piece. Just to create a diversion, because they look too harmonious.
What do you think?

Blogger's block?

I've been meaning to post my latest attempt at breaking free of the 'old me'.
I wanted to make a craft project using items/trash I have available.
But it would require picture taking (the before and after), cutting, gluing/stapling (whichever is the easiest) and the whole shebang. You know, like all the other craft-ers/DIY-ers are doing, with tutorials and stuff.

BUT.

I have done quite a bit of soul searching these past months. I find that I am always contradicting myself at one point or another. Right now, I'm not sure which voice is the loudest, my heart or my brain. And in between them both, there's the sound of my mother in the background, doing what she's good at, pushing me towards something I'm not sure I'd want.

I feel the need to break away from blogging for a while to sort these voices out.
Maybe I'll DO that craft post tomorrow, just to satisfy the voice of my heart.
Watch this space, people.

Gibberish? Noo....

Only Ibu would understand what it is Nazrin is talking about, because I practically spend 24/7 with him. So, let's decipher his current gibber, shall we?

1- Ak de-de = Up (stepping up) and down (stepping down)
2- Nak tik = nak sikit/nasi/roti (ikut apa yang ada) <-- Malay for "want some"
3- Jom adi = jom mandi <-- Malay for "let's take a bath"
4- Nak a-i = nak air <-- Malay for "want some water"
5- Tut-tut = kasut <-- shoes
6- Woo-woo = the big black dog that's terrorizing our space

There's a lot more but I just could not think of anymore, dang! I know I should have written them down somewhere after he said them.

Well I'll save those for later then, now a little bit more about Nazrin's progress.

1. He understands simple commands like sit down, over there, NO!, enough etc.
2. He loves to dance to music. You should see him wiggle his butt while the Hot Dog Dance (from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show) is playing on TV.
3. At first I didn't understand what he was doing but as he kept doing it, then it hit me, he was imitating the Little Einsteins! What he does is pat his knees while saying "Dadadada" and looks at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to provide him with the next step to the "Rocket's Blast Off' routine. The routine goes, Leo the leader would pat his thigh to give Rocket 'the power to blast off' and then say 'now raise your arms as high as you can and BLAST OFF!' while shaking his whole body. So, we've been doing these a lot lately, since he'd suddenly sit down and pat his knees, looks at me expectantly and waits for me to say the whole routine, heh.
4. At the word "Jom" <-- let's go in Malay, he'd grab one of my hijabs* from the hanger and hand it over to me, then run to the front door to grab his shoes. How cute is that?
5. If he doesn't get what he wants, he would run away from me while wailing as loud as he can, do an about turn, runs back towards me and stop. If I still say no, he'd do it all over again. He used to throw himself on the floor, a good 'Stop, drop and roll' example and waited till I come and get him. After being repeatedly ignored when he pull this trick, he'd taken the new approach. I'm just gonna wait and see how long this trick will last. Heh.

*I always wear my hijab when I have to go outside. I think after watching me put it on everytime I say "Jom" to him, he has associated the word to the hijab. So clever, that boy of mine.

Giddy with excitement over these...

(a) (b)

TADAAAAA!!!

Okay, sorry about giving you a crick in the neck but I really don't know how to flip these over. I've tried doing it in Paint but the image got to large to manipulate and I don't have any other programs to work with. I'm not so computer savvy *sigh*

Well, picture (a) is my old glasses. It was the cheapest glasses I have ever owned, only RM60. It was a packaged deal for students as offered by the optometrist. I got it nearly 4 years ago, well, the plastic lenses that is, the frames were changed a year and a half ago because of the same problem. The handle got broken, the last one was by Shahrin and this one was by Nazrin. I only wear glasses at night, after putting my contact lenses away after taking my bath. I hate wearing glasses. I hate the way they fog up after you come out of an air-conditioned space or if you are sweating a lot, I hate the pressure on the bridge of my nose, I just hate them. Thank GOD for contacts.

Anyway, since I can't wear contacts all day long (wish I could but my eyes would get very tired if I continue to wear them past 12 hours), I needed a new pair of glasses. So, yesterday, I went to my optometrist and got (b). They are a bit pricey*, RM130, frames and all. I've never had large frames before, in fact I always go for the thin frames like in (a). But there's always a first time for anything, right? While I was trying to choose the frames, my eyes kept coming back to the frames in (b). Something about the color and the dash of white really grabbed me. So, I tried it on, while mentally trying to overlook the price and fell in love with them. Since Hubby got himself a pair of Raybands last month, I figured it's my turn to splurge a little.

The optometrist told me he could get it done by 6pm, so I waited at home, patiently. At 6.05pm, I was already at the store, hands sweaty, eagerly waiting to get a hold on my new glasses. Came home and quickly put them on after putting my contacts away for the night. OMG, after trying them, I just couldn't stop showing them off and there were only Shahrin and Nazrin around! Haha! Even Shahrin got excited over them, after seeing his mother going completely bonkers, prancing around the house in her new glasses. Shameless, me. Hehehe.

*Like I said, I hate glasses and would prefer going for a Lasic treatment if I could afford one. I only wear them at night, thus the feeling of throwing money away over pricey glasses. However, needless to say, I don't regret buying (b) yesterday. Felt good to own something that I love right away.

Just a quickie.

Just a quick post with pictures of my boys.

Here is Shahrin with his 3 weeks old picture puzzle. He had turned them into a race track.

This one is yesterday's newest addition to Shahrin's toys. His grandmother (Hubby's mom) bought him a battery operated 'Rail Master Train Play Set'. He slept with the coal car last night and tonight too. He used to love trucks but since watching Thomas & His Friends,
he's switched gears to trains. *sigh*

Nazrin here is showing of his new bottle-feeding skill. Since I plan to work, someday soon, I've been teaching him to have formula as a substitute for breastmilk.
Judging from this picture, I think we're on the right track.

Maternal love.

Notice: If you are squeamish around small furry animals, please stop reading, NOW.

I have originally wanted to write about snuggling into a good book while it rains outside since its raining cats and dogs. But I don't have anything to read. So...

The picture you're about to see is two baby mice, just minutes after being born by their mouse (I prefer mouse over rats BTW) mother. I was folding my laundry in my room when I heard soft squeaking coming from my dresser, so I decided to check it out. Then, I saw this:

What really made me took this snapshot was the she-mouse, standing guard over her babies. She didn't run away like any mouse would do when approached by a human, she just scampered around amongst the green blanket there. I jiggled the dresser in the attempt to shoo her away and she did, for a while, then she came back, snuggling her babies one after the other. It was like she was counting them, making sure they were all there. Can you see her? Just peeking under the blanket at the bottom corner of this picture.

I had to 'take care' of the babies, couldn't afford to let them grow big and rummaging through my trash in 3 weeks time. But, it broke my heart to do so *cried*. They looked so innocent and helpless. I kept telling the mother, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" while she ran around in my room, looking for her babies. I tried catching her but she was too fast. I almost regretted what I did. As a mother, I pray I wouldn't ever have to go through what she had.

Then, there's this:

This picture was taken about a month ago. She had her litter right outside Hubby's mother's side- storage area. There's 7 of them, 4 blacks and 3 whites with spots.

See her sad expression? Like she's saying, "Please don't harm my puppies." Luckily she moved them all by the time I checked back. I really didn't want to have to deal with them.Then, about 2 weeks ago, my MIL's neighbor and I kept hearing whimpers coming from the drain/sewer between our houses. The dog had moved her litter inside the drain. It's been dry season for the past month so I guess it was cooler inside there.

We have tried asking Non-Muslims; an Indian uncle who collects bottles and a Chinese pet shop owner to come and get them, we'd even offered paying them for their labor but neither wanted anything to do with the puppies and the bitch. Then today, around Maghrib, it started raining. I mean POURING! It was like the sky suddenly burst open and poured down heavily onto the earth. I could barely hear myself thinking amidst the loud rain outside.

Around 9pm, the rain finally drizzled to a stop. What a downpour! As the sound around me became clear again, I heard loud whimpering from outside. THE PUPPIES! I suddenly remembered that they were in the drain and they could be drowning. I looked outside and my fear was true. 3 of them were in the middle of the drain, barely treading water. The other 4 had made it onto the bank (well, although the drain was only ankle-deep, after the heavy rain it was quite deep indeed) and were shivering in the cold. I thought about ignoring them, I mean, I really don't want to have to go through the hassle of cleansing myself with dirt water (1 part) and clean water (6 parts) as required by Islamic rules. But as a mother, I couldn't just let them drown. It's a different feeling compared to the baby mice. I don't know how to explain it.

So, I wore plastics over my hands and wrap my feet with more plastics and I went out to rescue them. The bitch was there, she looked at me helplessly and then ran away. I scooped up the 4 on the ground and put them in a box, then I used a stick to coax the 3 in the drain to swim to me. All 3 were shivering so much, I could feel them practically shaking in my hands. Then I put the box right back where they were born, in front of my MIL's side-storage area. The mother came after I went back inside, checking inside the box, counting her litter. I hope she feels relief after knowing that all 7 are safe.



As a mother..I pray to ALLAH to protect my families; my parents, my siblings and their husbands/wife, their children, their in-laws, my Hubby, my in-laws and most of all, my Shahrin and Nazrin. Dear Merciful ALLAH, keep them safe from the evils of human and demons. Please protect them and shield them in YOUR loving embrace. Amin.

Simple pleasures.

Yesterday evening, Hubby called to say we could go shopping since he'd be coming home after finishing his work. We needed to buy Shahrin a pair of sneakers for his Day Care Center's Picture Day, which is today. He was really excited about buying another pair of new shoes (we'd bought him a sandal for Eid Fitri) and couldn't sit still. By the time Hubby got home, which was around 7pm, I was at the limit of my patience with Shahrin. He wouldn't stop asking when his father is coming home because, "I want to buy a new shoe NOW!". He jumped up and down, ran here and there and was basically being a cranky 4 year old.

On the way to Parit Buntar, he kept asking, "Are we there yet?" till Hubby scolded him. That got his attention, so the rest of the journey was pretty quite. Upon arrival at the parking space near the bus station and seeing the shops there, he started doing it again. Heh.

We went to just 2 stores and finally decided on this pair:

Shahrin picked this one over a red and orange stripped BUM shoes. It looks sporty enough for a child and not too much detailing, which I love. Shahrin loves it too and that is all that matters to us. He carried it himself and couldn't stop talking about it. As we were leaving the shop, I saw these and decided Nazrin needs a new pair of shoes too:

They are super CUTE! But Nazrin was sleeping while we shopped, so we just carefully fitted them on his feet. We bought them without bothering to check out other choices. And look, it fits into my palm perfectly. CUTE!!!!

This morning, upon waking up and forgoing his usual breakfast of a bottle of formula, Shahrin asked for his new shoes. I practically had to hide it from him till both of them were all dressed up and ready. Shahrin didn't want any help, neither did Nazrin, even though he only saw his new shoes this morning. They were both so excited about their shoes and it made me so happy to see them happy. They ran around in the house, playing pee-ka-boo and showing of their shoes to me while I got ready. So, enjoy these pictures! I hope they could convey the joy and happiness shining through from my boys to you, as I saw them this morning.

Shahrin in his brand new uniform.

I do have something to complain about today though; we registered Shahrin in Jun, that's already half-way through the school year, right? So I asked the owner's daughter (she handled students' registration at that center, they have 4 btw) if we would need to buy a uniform for him because we are planning on registering him to pre-school next year, so buying a uniform for the day care center would be pointless in 7 months anyway. She said it would be okay for him to just wear his everyday clothes when at the center. So, I thought, well lucky for us for not having to dish out RM30 for a uniform. Then last week, his teachers told me that they would be organizing a Convocation Day for the 6 y.o in November and that all students would be involved. They are also required to wear their uniform. At the time they told me that, I figured, well, maybe I can borrow one from his friend or maybe I could rent it from the center. Then, on Friday last week, I was told that there's going to be a picture day on Thursday of this week (today) . On Monday I asked if one of his friends can lend him a uniform. Only one friend was about his size but the boy's mother told his teacher that he only has one uniform. So, I asked if I could rent a uniform but that request was also turned down. So, since I have no other choice, I paid up RM30 and got him a size S uniform. What really bug me is the fact that if someone from that center had informed me earlier of their Picture &Convo Day, I wouldn't have wasted my money on a uniform that's only going to be worn till end of next month. If they had told me from the start, at least Shahrin would have the chance to wear it for 6 month and not just 2. What a lousy management!

Novice crafter much?

I love going blog-hopping from one art/craft/DIY blog to another. Most of them have link-y parties where anyone who has done something can link to the host blog to be featured.

Some links showed how the blogger has revamped furniture by re-painting it or Mod Podge-ing it. Some link in their DIY projects: bedroom redo, seasonal decorations, sewing crafts etc. Everybody seems to be crafting and showing their labor of love on at the blog-link parties.

Last night, Shahrin and I did some crafting too :p

Jungle Junction Wannabes.

I don't think a tutorial is necessary, this is a very simple craft, you just need a sheet of hard plastic and fold it in half, then draw the desired animal character. Take a scissor and cut around the character, and TADAA!! Shahrin now has a Jungle Junction collectibles. I did an Ellyvan, a Zooter and a Bungo character since they are the simplest to draw.

Double decker school bus.

This one is a very mediocre attempt at crafting heheh. I took an empty box and let Shahrin colored in the windows and doors with black marker. Initially we taped four 50 cent coins at the bottom for wheels but I had to take them off since Nazrin could choke on them. I'm thinking of looking for four bottle caps, poke a hole through them and poke a stick through 2 each to make the wheels. Shahrin says this is a double decker school bus. He took it to school today and showed it off to his teachers. I'm glad I did these crafts though I wouldn't be linking this post to any parties. Not yet.

Looking for the silver lining.

My moods are running amok these days. Sometimes I'd feel so happy; with the boys, with Ahmad, whom by the way has started telling me "I Love You" again *sigh*. Other times I'd feel so overwhelmed, by anything and everything.

I try reaching out to my FB friends but when their comments struck a nerve, I'd get defensive and feel even more depressed.

Maybe I have a bipolar disorder? Think I'll go search for that next.

I took a look at the clouds this morning, searching for a silver lining.

Hope I'll find it someday.

Bitter sweet memory.

KRYPTONITE
by 3 DOORS DOWN

I took a walk around the world
To ease my troubled mind.
I left my body lying somewhere
In the sands of time.
But I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon.

I feel there's nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float
To the dark side of the moon.
After all I knew it had to be
Something to do with you.
I really don’t mind what happens now and then
As long as you’ll be my friend at the end.

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman.
If I’m alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand.
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might, Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep.
You took for granted all the times
I never let you down. You stumbled
in and bumped your head, and if not
for me THEN you'd be dead.

I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground.

If I go crazy then will you still

Call me Superman.
If I’m alive and well,
Will you be there holding my hand.
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might, Kryptonite

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman.
If I’m alive and well, will you be there
Holding my hand.
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might, Kryptonite

(lyrics curtsy of Lyrics007)

This post is written in honor of my dearest friend, now residing in Down Under. She posted a video clip of this song by 3 Doors Down and I had a deja vu moment while watching it.

The memory was bitter sweet and it happened during my undergrad years. It happened during my 2nd year, 2nd semester. I was sitting at my table, studying for my final exams while listening to the radio. At that particular moment, Kryptonite was blaring on my favorite channel, Hitz.FM.

A few hours earlier, I had a breakdown, literally. I cried buckets and screamed into my pillow and very nearly trash my room out of frustration. It was over something my friends did that made me feel angry and left out. Since I didn't know who to turn to then, I wrote a letter* to my mother. I told her everything about what happened that day, I didn't leave anything out; my frustration, my feelings, how much I was hurting. I even made a pledge to her and myself; I will never let anyone made me feel that way again. After that cleansing purge, I washed my face, composed myself and pulled out my lecture notes. I did find myself still sniffing a little, blanking out a minute or two, I just couldn't concentrate. Till I heard Kryptonite on the radio. I knew the lyrics but they didn't really mean anything till that moment. As I sat there, listening to the song, thinking about what had happened, the lyrics clicked. I was finally able to let go of my resentment and paid full attention to my notes.

Two days later, during my exam, I was so relieved to see that I was totally prepared for it. Even more satisfying, I knew both the answers to a 2 choice questions marked 20 each. I studied them that day after I had my crying binge. I still smile today, thinking back on that exam day. It may have been my greatest achievement ever!

So, that's my story regarding the song. Thank you my friend for putting it up on FB. It made me feel strong again.

* Why a letter? I thought about calling her but knowing my mother, she would simply rush over from AS to Transkrian after talking to me. I didn't want her to worry about me, especially during exams, she wouldn't be able to sleep a wink knowing my situation. She's like that with all of us. I didn't even send the letter, I kept it in a folder for safekeeping. It had helped me a lot during my undergrads; whenever I feel down in the dumps, I'll read the letter to remind myself that I CAN!

Where are my pens?!

Dear Lord, I seem to have misplaced ALL of my pens!

I can't find a single one, not even in my secret stash.

Oh me! Oh my!

Every time I have one out to write, 5 minutes later, it'd be gone.

I used to have a pencil case full of assorted pens and pencils. Now, there is none.

Where, oh where can my pens be?

Reality TV shows.

There are a lot of reality TV shows going on these days, just to much I think.

I watched my 1st reality show, Akademi Fantasia S1 (AF) before I started my MSc. I only watch it on and off throughout the season without really 'getting into it'. The whole SMS voting thing just didn't seem right to me.It was more like a popularity contest rather than a talent contest, though Vince, the 1st winner is really a good singer.

Then there's the American Idol (AI). Same kind of judging format/structure. I did follow the season where Kelly Clarkson won The Idol, bits and pieces of it anyway. The show really put out very talented contestants on that stage; Fantasia Barino, Adam Lambert, Carrie Underwood etc but again, I personally think that SMS judges are more based on favoritism than talent alone. But arguably, other people would say that because the viewers are given the power to vote, they are able to choose very carefully who they want as the winner. Since the contestants are required to perform different songs for their weekly performances, the viewers (hard-core followers that is) can really assess their favorite contestant's abilities.

Other reality shows that caught my attention are America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, The Biggest Loser & TBL Asia, So You Think You Can Dance and Top Chef. Now these shows do not have the SMS voting format and judging are done by either by judges or by elimination. One other thing that makes me watch these shows more is because they are not musical talent contests. I love music and I know everyone love music too, so maybe that's why AF and AI have the kind of format that they have. By allowing the public vote via SMS, the music industry can take stock of the kind of singer the public would prefer better or the types of music that will be topping the charts.

Unlike the latter shows I've listed. These shows may attract only 1/3 or 2/3 of the population because of their specific form of contest. Not everyone would want to watch models strutting down the runway or a couple of chef running around in the kitchen. As for me, I followed these shows because of their connection in human-interest. Models entering ANTM and PR had things to prove to themselves and the world, they entered because its their dream. TBL/Asia entered because they wanted to change their lifestyle for the better. The same goes for SYTYCD and TC, every contestant entered because they have a dream. They work hard to make their dream come true and they are judged by what they have to show for it.

I'm not saying that the contestants in AF & AI entered just for the fun of it. They too have dreams; Adam Lambert spoke about putting his dream of becoming an artist 'out there' for the universe to make come true. And the positive energy he has surrounding this dream has put him in the position to succeed in AI and the music industry.
I just don't agree on the voting system, that's all.
I'm not doing this to get on anybody's nerve or provoke anything,
it's just my thought on the subject. Maybe it's also because I envy these people who were willing to open themselves and embrace the chance to make their dream come true, no matter what comes their way. I wish I have a dream too.

Shopping Day!

Last night, my hubby suddenly told me that if he's not called to go on a trip (when I say trip, it means he'd have to deliver stuff to customers somewhere, not the fancy kind of trip :p) we could go shopping.

Man, was I so excited! It felt like it has been ages since we last went shopping. Though the truth is it has only been 5 month since we crashed financially. Seems like his job is really taking off and I am so thankful for that at least. Our financial problem has put quite a strain on our marriage, so much so that I very nearly flipped and say "Sayonara" to him. I think I wrote something about it here, written in anger and a little bit of self-pity. The red flags are real but our financial situation back then pushed his flaws in my face and they were like the salt in my wound. I had wanted him to fix everything, to be the man of the house, provide and protect us. When he didn't, all the things said to me by everyone before we got married, resurfaced, making me feel angry. Mostly at myself for wanting him to be someone he's not.

Anyway, things are looking better and better these few weeks. He began giving me allowances again, he is playful and sweet again, as opposed to the 1st month of our financial crash. I am able to save some money again instead of withdrawing them. In hind sight, I think most of my anger comes from the feeling of being ripped off by my own hubby. I felt used and a little bit resentful because I had put a lot of effort into accumulating my savings. During the time friends spent their scholarship/school loan on stuff/entertainment, I did my best to be frugal. I like to think that I had used my money wisely and I have a solid account to prove it. It took me my whole undergrad years to save that much. Then, when we hit rock bottom financial-wise, we had to turn to my savings to tide us over, plus my parents allowances (oh the shame!), which really make me feel used since he has no savings of his own. It really hurts to see the numbers going down because it took me years to build that amount, and in just a few months, they are gone.

Anyhoo, he wasn't called away today, so we went to Tesco Taiping for a little R&R. First, we had lunch at McDonald's, Taiping Sentral. We ordered a large set of Big Mac, Oreo McFlurry and an ApplePie. The boys shared the fries and ice cream while my hubby and I split the Big Mac between us. Yuuummmyyyy! Then, we window-shopped for new clothes for the boys. Shahrin is growing taller and most of his long pants are now more of the 3-quarter type. Nazrin needs new clothes too since Shahrin can still wear most of his T-shirts and there's none to hand down to Nazrin. So, we went to a few shops selling children wear and the final counts are 2 short pants, 1 long pants and a sleeveless shirt for Shahrin while Nazrin only gets a pair of pants and a T-shirt. We either didn't like the design or couldn't yet afford the ones we liked. Overall, I think we did okay with the selections.

Then we headed out to Tesco to stock up our kitchen (not that there's going to be a lot of cooking) with our basic necessities; Shahrin's formula, sugar, Milo, mix veges, Vitagen and a few more stuff. While I was pushing the trolley down the aisle, bumping into people, selecting merchandise, I felt good about life again. I felt almost normal again. I am not the type who shops a lot but when I do shop, I always feel good about myself. I buy what I need and that's that.

We were like a normal middle class family, doing our shopping like any other normal families. It felt good to have our finances in order again.

ALHAMDULILLAH....

My first ever contest entry!

Gin & Jacqie Contest - Win a Sleek Joanne Laptop Bag!

This would be my first contest entry in blogosphere.
It is brought to you by Gin & Jacqie and Mom Bloggers Planet.
I almost did not want to join because;

#1- The competition is hot! I checked out the other entries and theirs' are
way better than mine, with pictures and links and pretty colorful fonts
and what nots. Mine would be boring and bleegh!

#2- As I was copying and editing my entry (about 2 hours ago), suddenly my
screen went blank! Dang! I forgot I was on battery mode!
Almost, ALMOST, didn't want to go through all this again
if not for these babies.

THE TWO BAGS I'M DROOLING OVER!

SIMPLE ALICIA

Oh how I drool just looking at this beauty. I love the color, the pattern and the additional changing mat. If I knew this bag existed 4 years ago, my life would have been smooth sailing, with regards to Shahrin off course. I used to lug around a granny's bag; black cotton with very little detailing, that has fallen apart 2 years ago due to excessive usage. I used it to put Shahrin's diapers, formula, change of clothes, baby wipes as well as my stuff. It was practical but not so attractive.

Now this bag here, it suits my style very well. I don't like loud prints or too much detailing, that was why I used the granny bag. I love this solid cyan color very much. The large compartment can easily hold more stuff compared to the bag I have now. And since I now have 2 boys instead of just one, Alicia can come in handy indeed. Check out its description here.

SASSY ANISH

I love the name! It coincides with mine, minus the H and I sure would like to be sassier! If I have this bag, I would work it like I mean it! Heheh! My laptop would love being stored in this slick baby. It has lots of room for not just the laptop but for other things as well. For me, this bag would be perfect since I can just use this one to store everything; purse, handphone, keys etc including the laptop and not have to carry a handbag. Neat!

Again, the simple design is what clicked the deal for me. I really prefer the no-nonsense kind of bags as oppose to loud prints and chains and embellishments. Nothing against those bags, because the bags at Gin & Jacqie's are just marvelous but they're just not my style. I love the strips and hopefully the vertical lines can make me look slimmer while I'm carrying the bag. Check out more here.

WHY MOMS SHOULD GET BAGS FROM GIN & JACQIE

Personally, I would love to win these two bags because they are what I need right now. They are necessities plus a heart's desire. Apart from that, I have never owned a designer-anything. Winning/owning a bag like these from Gin & Jacqie would really boost my self-confidence and image. I may be young (heh) but I look and act old. Wish someone would nominate me for a make over with Watsons. *wink wink*

Maybe other mommies out there, especially stay-at-home-moms like me could really benefit from owning sleek, stylish and affordable bags such as the bags available from Gin & Jacqie. We may not have too many opportunities to show them off but at least the few times we do, we can go out in style and be envied by other mommies out there.

p/s: If the entries are based on creativity, looks and attractiveness, then I can kiss the prizes goodbye. At least I've tried, right? That's better than giving up without a fight.